Decided to start a new thread as my old one is quite full and things have changed quite a bit in the past week. I'm hoping I link my first thread correctly, please let me know if I didn't. DB
To catch you up:
Last monday I needed to text H to ask if I could take D out of state this past weekend. He said sure and be careful. I texted him back with simply "thanks, and I'm sorry." He asked what I was sorry for and I said "that this is our life; custody agreements and property division. I'm sorry for all the ways I failed at our marriage." He responded by saying that I’ve made it very clear these past six months that he [censored] as a husband and a father. I answered back that I was sorry he felt that way and that I loved and missed him. Now, these are all things I've said before, but for the first time he engaged me and actually texted back that he was sorry too. He also said he missed me. That led to three days worth of texting where he was very open to everything I said. It was mostly one sided with me admitting faults and him pointing things out/expressing his hurts, not really admitting any of his own wrongdoings. I was glad he was at least sharing with me what's really triggered all of this. He kept saying things like “this [censored]” or “crap”. I would ask what he meant and he would say he wished I had said these types of things to him months ago, as the anger I expressed since he’s been gone and prior to just pushed him completely away. Thing is while I was at times angry I was also often kind, he just didn’t want to hear any of my apologies or niceness.
Wednesday was his night with D. He has her in our home, and by the time I got there she was already in bed. Lots of hugging and kissing when I got there. Thursday I needed to bring my car up to him to look at. After he had we took it for a test drive. I got back to his work and waited for him to get out, but he didn’t. He started talking and this led to a two hour convo. He shared that he never felt I ever really loved or liked him, didn’t think he was ready for a child but had one for me, felt I could be controlling, hated how I would nag and yell/call names during fights. I did a lot of apologizing. If I tried to bring up any of my own hurts (his not helping, being disrespectful, workaholic, etc) he would become defensive and say his behavior was completely caused by mine. So I stopped with my own hurts and focused on apologizing and hearing him out.
I did ask about the woman he’s having an EA with. He insists they’re not in an R, but did admit they hang out (usually with her roommate and her b/f) more than I thought. He said she’s fun, laid back, and says she would never get mad at things I did. He insists there’s been nothing physical and he told her he didn’t want an R “yet.” She’s younger with no responsibilities and I think he likes that. Her sister also has our dog as H’s new roommate wouldn’t let him live there, so she looks like the hero. I went out on a limb to ask if he would consider not talking to her anymore. He said he’s not ready to decide anything as we’ve only been on good terms for a week and he’s not convinced I’ll change. He also made a comment which kind of pissed me off which was “I kind of like that you’re competing for me.” Now, I get that he has low self esteem and what have you but that was a low blow. I just said “I’m your wife (even though we’re legally separated) and mother of your child, I’ve been your love for eight years. I want to show you love and respect, but I’m not going to compete with anyone for you.” He asked if I could live in limbo for awhile while he sorts out what he’s feeling. Also said a co-worker asked earlier in the day if he was sure he wanted D and apparently H answered “I don’t know, that’s not fair to ask me right now.”
We left the convo without a lot resolved, but I did get a huge answer to prayer regarding what to do with our house. Out of the blue he goes "whenever I have D at the house I feel like it's where I'm supposed to be. Like I should be living there with you guys." Guess I won't be moving anytime soon! The next day was our anniversary and he did text to say happy anniversary. Ironically, that day out of the blue someone who knows the OW well told me a lot about her erratic and possessive behavior I’m burning to tell H but will not as I know it will do no good and I don’t want to gossip. Over the weekend he was out of town for a bachelor party but still found a reason to text me each day for one reason or another. Lots of smiley faces and “have a good days.” This morning he texted me to tell me to have a good day, and most nights this past week he’s texted me good night. I’ve tried to be incredibly positive, flirtatious, and complimentary. Telling him things I’m attracted to, sharing memories, etc. He seems to love it as truly I didn’t do these things while we were together. Does this seem to be the right path? I ask because I’m so happy we’ve turned this corner, but I really don’t want to compete with this OW. It seems unfair. To him, since he filed for D, moved out, and declared he wants a D he’s not cheating. To me…I’m not 100% sure. It also seems that he's totally unwilling to admit any of his own faults, which is problemtaic to me. Any thoughts on how to best handle this and keep the positive going while still respecting myself? I truly believe God will restore our marriage as He has revealed this to me, I'm just trying to understand the best path to getting there. God is good as I can see Him working!
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
Look into James Dobsons "love must be tough" it will give you in sight on how to respect your self in situations like this.
I believe you were right to let you H know you are his wife and not in competition w OW. I believe boundaries need to be set if you two move forawrd w allowing him the time and space he needs to figure things out for him self, but he needs to do it with out damaging your family any further, IMO. Don't know if other DBers would agree....but I think maintaining your respect through this process will be a deciding factor.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Seems pretty early to start saying you've turned the corner. I hope you're right, but I wouldn't count on it. These things tend to have a lot of ups and downs.
His questions about not being sure you've changed, that is dead on. Have you? I don't think so....at least not yet. You are just scratching the surface, and you really need to be focusing on that. Otherwise, even if your H comes home, you'll end up back here.
Yes, we all come here with the goal of keeping our M together....but that isn't just about getting your spouse to come home. It's about resolving the issues that caused the break in the first place.
On the EA, my advice is to back away from that. He's not going to break that off at this point, not in my opinion. If he gets to the point where he wants to come home, then you can have that discussion. Right now, any pressure is going to make him run. Have you read the analogy about feeding the squirrel?
Opening up seems to be working, as is validating, so continue that when you can...but also, and I know I'm sounding like a broken record here, work on YOU. Dig into those issues...where they come from, why they are, and how to change them.
So here's where I'm at...Love Must Be Tough was suggested to me when all this began. I tried it and it did no good. It just reaffirmed to H that I don't truly care about him, was more in love with the idea of him than him, etc. Which is why, in my opinion, he loves when I'm kind, flirtatious, and flattering to him. To implore LMBT now scares me as he's responding so well to the others.
I do think I've changed, but not completely. There is a co-dependency factor that I need to work on (i/e my day is not made or broken over whether or not he texts, calls, etc). Is it putting myself out there too much then to do the things he seems to be liking? The love and miss you's, compliments, even the physical interaction? Is he cake eating? And, curious, do any of you view what he's doing as cheating? Or not since he's filed for divorce, declared our marriage over, and moved out?
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
I liked LMBT, but I think you have to read these things in a certain order. I recommend DR/DB first because the focus is really on you. I like 5LL after that because it makes you start thinking about how you love and liked to be loved in a relationship. And after that, LMBT because at this point, you've generally showed your H/W the new you, have made significant changes for a long enough period that they can believe them, made certain your spouse knows how you feel, and are ready to work on your own self respect.
As far as the cheating thing goes, I have always found it interesting how people bend their own values in order to do what they want. Ultimately, you can only control you....so make that choice for yourself and leave H to make his own choice.
Breakdown, I totally agree..that was my thought too. I can't do LMBT until I've shown effective DR/DB techniques and understood our different love languages (he's physical touch, words of admiration, and I'm quality time and gifts). So, for now I guess I continue and see where it takes me...
For the cheating thing, honestly, while it bothers me and feels disrespectful I don't know it's fair to call it cheating. If we didn't have D we could already be divorced in our state. Others have labled it that though and it makes me wonder if I'm "letting him off the hook" or being ignorant. H insists they're just friends though and she's clear where he stands..for now.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
I understand what you both mean about LMBT... I was referring the book in regards to the piece about respecting your self.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
As far as the cheating thing goes, I have always found it interesting how people bend their own values in order to do what they want. Ultimately, you can only control you....so make that choice for yourself and leave H to make his own choice.
To me LMBT had similar suggestions to DB in that, at a certain point you just have to let go and let the WAS work through their issues and make their choice, while you work on yourself and are better whatever choice they make.
I think making the statement that you are "the wife and not the OW competition" is an example what LMBT was mainly about....taking a stand for yourself and not being a doormat for your H and his OW, but also knowing how to balance that with love. I hadn't read your first thread, so I assumed you were already doing DR/DB for some time now. Sorry if my suggestion was off base. Only you know what's best for your sitch, all the best to you as you continue your journey.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Others have labled it that though and it makes me wonder if I'm "letting him off the hook" or being ignorant. H insists they're just friends though and she's clear where he stands..for now.
Does the labeling really make a difference at this point?
So what would you do different if you called it "cheating?" Is that a deal breaker for you?
Remember one of the 37 rules..."believe nothing they say and only half of what they do."
