Hi RT! Glad you had a fun weekend. And got your dog! I think you're doing a great job DBing and staying an observer while your W battles her issues. Hope you have a great week!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
I needed to get Dog1 from her but the AP said no... you can't be alone with RealityTrip. It's my car and I'm going with you.
Craazzyyy!! AP comes off as controlling. I hope W sees through this sooner rather than later. I have news flash for AP...W is married to RT! Get over it already.
Does your Pho place also offer Banh Mi?????????????
Im sooooo jealous. My closest slurp house is over 50 miles away- and they dont offer the fun, more exotic, offerings. Tendon, I think is about as interesting as they get.
Props to you for sitting back and observing how this all plays out. Stay out of their mess!
It tears me up when I hear about our spouses using our children (and pets) as chess pawns. I cant imagine how confusing and exhausting it must be for them.
Stay on the sideline for now:)
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Hi K! Nice to meet you! I'll stroll your sitch too!
Thanks CHL! We all gotta watch, learn, and GAL!!!
Wonka, I was laughing earlier... W called me from hotel phone to my office. Because.... AP IS LOGGING INTO MY W & MY CELLPHONE ACCOUNT TO SEE IF WE ARE TALKING OR TEXTING WHEN SHE IS NOT AROUND! heheheeehehheeeee! No friggin' way! I used to do that! heheeeheeeee!
I said: "W, what are you doing? (giggle)" She said "I know. I'm 'effed up! (giggle)"
I couldn't talk... at work. So I cut the convo short.
Spin, Banh Mi Thursdays!!!!! This place is really good! Like, you don't even eat there - no tables, hole in the wall, I think he has stairs through middle earth from Vietnam, GOOD!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
No worries. I welcome all input. Challenging and supportive. So I read your thoughts yesterday Val, and I spent the evening thinking about it... it helped me on my walk!... got my mind off the heat!
Why am I participating in my W's craziness... I am supposed to be moving on...
So my thoughts were, my W does communicate in the craziest of fashions right now. I could definitely be a little more pulled back. I think I am closer to the fire so to speak because of the... and this is the God's honest truth... satisfaction that I get from the crumbling of the affair. Everyone tells you "they'll never make it" You read, "it's just a fantasy" but somewhere in the back of your mind you FEAR that your spouse's A is different... WHAT IF they are soulmates? I lived so long with the fear and what if's that witnessing them struggle feels like an exhale. I know that is selsfish and not very enlightened but I think it's my truth and I need to own it.
The partial phrase I am "supposed to be moving on" sat heaviest with me. Where am I in this process? What do I really want? Has my determination to save and better my marriage changed? I started my DB path with a purpose. I think the same purpose we all begin with. To bust my own seemingly inevitable divorce. To quote the cover of the book, use the "step by step approach to making my marriage loving again".
What I learned along the way (so far... as I still have so far to travel) is that tools like detachment, self-examination, study, GAL, spirituality, and forum support are not only the tools that will save my marriage but more importantly they are the very things that will sustain me regardless of the outcome of my M.
I would never want my humor, which has always been a coping mechanism for me (I examined it in earlier threads), to overshadow my truth. That I want to save my marriage. I know that I use my humor as a means to maintain a safe distance and level of detachment. To process information as an observer. It has been working. I have not been set to spin by things that in the past would have launched me into orbit. It's perspective that allows me to continue a relationship of some sort with W and objectively assess situations.
So I am comfortable with where I am for now. I think if I feel any bit of fear creep in where W is concerned or feel the let down of unmet expectations, I am prepared to pull the line of defense back when I need to. I have talked at length with my IC about how to support my W in her recovery and water our seeds of reconnection without putting myself in jeapordy. I am so appreciative for your point of view because I do think I was losing sight of some of that by getting caught up in the bonfire of it all. So thank you my friend.
While I am here... UPDATE: I woke this morning to a private message sent to me by W while I was sleeping.
"I love u and I miss u. I miss our life together. We had something really special that no one else can even come close to. I f*cked all that up for nothing. I am sorry. I am not worthy of u or ur love. I think we had the best situation/relationship possible and I made the most stupid mistake of my life. I think that I am where I am because I deserve the heartache and pain I am experiencing. I love u RT. I hope one day u will forgive me. xo"
I am absorbing that this morning. ((((((((((HugsFriends))))))))))))))
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
So I am comfortable with where I am for now. I think if I feel any bit of fear creep in where W is concerned or feel the let down of unmet expectations, I am prepared to pull the line of defense back when I need to. I have talked at length with my IC about how to support my W in her recovery and water our seeds of reconnection without putting myself in jeapordy. I am so appreciative for your point of view because I do think I was losing sight of some of that by getting caught up in the bonfire of it all. So thank you my friend.
I get what you are saying... but I still want to keep challenging.
You do need to protect your heart, but it's not really about what's comfortable for you. In fact, DBing constantly makes you uncomfortable.
What do you think it means to love your wife well in your current situation? Do you think your doing that?
Originally Posted By: RealityTrip
While I am here... UPDATE: I woke this morning to a private message sent to me by W while I was sleeping.
"I love u and I miss u. I miss our life together. We had something really special that no one else can even come close to. I f*cked all that up for nothing. I am sorry. I am not worthy of u or ur love. I think we had the best situation/relationship possible and I made the most stupid mistake of my life. I think that I am where I am because I deserve the heartache and pain I am experiencing. I love u RT. I hope one day u will forgive me. xo"
I am absorbing that this morning. ((((((((((HugsFriends))))))))))))))
Whilst I understand that this may make your heart melt, what do you plan on doing with this information?
How do you set the foundation to change your marriage based of this?
It only takes one to change the dynamic of the marriage, but you have to know what you want that dynamic to be.
So what is it?
Keep digging RT.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Yep. Agree with Val. Also have to say that I felt same with massage girl. Not her, anybody but her. New interest I can deal with. Stable mother blah blah. Of course H mentions she is a lot like me. Intelligent good looking woman. Except this one has twin five year olds and I am on my way to empty nest lol
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
