The tide is turning

[forlovessake]

Decided to start a new thread as my old one is quite full and things have changed quite a bit in the past week. I'm hoping I link my first thread correctly, please let me know if I didn't. DB

To catch you up:

Last monday I needed to text H to ask if I could take D out of state this past weekend. He said sure and be careful. I texted him back with simply "thanks, and I'm sorry." He asked what I was sorry for and I said "that this is our life; custody agreements and property division. I'm sorry for all the ways I failed at our marriage." He responded by saying that I’ve made it very clear these past six months that he [censored] as a husband and a father. I answered back that I was sorry he felt that way and that I loved and missed him. Now, these are all things I've said before, but for the first time he engaged me and actually texted back that he was sorry too. He also said he missed me. That led to three days worth of texting where he was very open to everything I said. It was mostly one sided with me admitting faults and him pointing things out/expressing his hurts, not really admitting any of his own wrongdoings. I was glad he was at least sharing with me what's really triggered all of this. He kept saying things like “this [censored]” or “crap”. I would ask what he meant and he would say he wished I had said these types of things to him months ago, as the anger I expressed since he’s been gone and prior to just pushed him completely away. Thing is while I was at times angry I was also often kind, he just didn’t want to hear any of my apologies or niceness.

Wednesday was his night with D. He has her in our home, and by the time I got there she was already in bed. Lots of hugging and kissing when I got there. Thursday I needed to bring my car up to him to look at. After he had we took it for a test drive. I got back to his work and waited for him to get out, but he didn’t. He started talking and this led to a two hour convo. He shared that he never felt I ever really loved or liked him, didn’t think he was ready for a child but had one for me, felt I could be controlling, hated how I would nag and yell/call names during fights. I did a lot of apologizing. If I tried to bring up any of my own hurts (his not helping, being disrespectful, workaholic, etc) he would become defensive and say his behavior was completely caused by mine. So I stopped with my own hurts and focused on apologizing and hearing him out.

I did ask about the woman he’s having an EA with. He insists they’re not in an R, but did admit they hang out (usually with her roommate and her b/f) more than I thought. He said she’s fun, laid back, and says she would never get mad at things I did. He insists there’s been nothing physical and he told her he didn’t want an R “yet.” She’s younger with no responsibilities and I think he likes that. Her sister also has our dog as H’s new roommate wouldn’t let him live there, so she looks like the hero. I went out on a limb to ask if he would consider not talking to her anymore. He said he’s not ready to decide anything as we’ve only been on good terms for a week and he’s not convinced I’ll change. He also made a comment which kind of pissed me off which was “I kind of like that you’re competing for me.” Now, I get that he has low self esteem and what have you but that was a low blow. I just said “I’m your wife (even though we’re legally separated) and mother of your child, I’ve been your love for eight years. I want to show you love and respect, but I’m not going to compete with anyone for you.” He asked if I could live in limbo for awhile while he sorts out what he’s feeling. Also said a co-worker asked earlier in the day if he was sure he wanted D and apparently H answered “I don’t know, that’s not fair to ask me right now.”

We left the convo without a lot resolved, but I did get a huge answer to prayer regarding what to do with our house. Out of the blue he goes "whenever I have D at the house I feel like it's where I'm supposed to be. Like I should be living there with you guys." Guess I won't be moving anytime soon! The next day was our anniversary and he did text to say happy anniversary. Ironically, that day out of the blue someone who knows the OW well told me a lot about her erratic and possessive behavior I’m burning to tell H but will not as I know it will do no good and I don’t want to gossip. Over the weekend he was out of town for a bachelor party but still found a reason to text me each day for one reason or another. Lots of smiley faces and “have a good days.” This morning he texted me to tell me to have a good day, and most nights this past week he’s texted me good night. I’ve tried to be incredibly positive, flirtatious, and complimentary. Telling him things I’m attracted to, sharing memories, etc. He seems to love it as truly I didn’t do these things while we were together. Does this seem to be the right path? I ask because I’m so happy we’ve turned this corner, but I really don’t want to compete with this OW. It seems unfair. To him, since he filed for D, moved out, and declared he wants a D he’s not cheating. To me…I’m not 100% sure. It also seems that he's totally unwilling to admit any of his own faults, which is problemtaic to me. Any thoughts on how to best handle this and keep the positive going while still respecting myself?
I truly believe God will restore our marriage as He has revealed this to me, I'm just trying to understand the best path to getting there. God is good as I can see Him working!