An onion, dance lessons and a Harley III

[MileHigh]

Funny thing about sleep - when depressed, we either can't sleep, or sleep too much. I started out not being able to sleep. Now I could sleep for 12 hrs straight. But as a long-time night owl, I am struggling to get my sleeping forced into the right timeframe. Right for work and society, that is. Not necessarily for me. :-/

[subguy]

Thanks Ruby and MileHigh I actually overslept for work Friday lol. I was tired... I don't have a problem going to sleep, I just wake up a million times through out the night. My mind at times is going at a pretty fast clip lol. MileHigh I understand when those sleep patterns get out of whack.

I just received a letter from my W's lawyer that the judge is going to sign the papers on the 20th and I can show up if I would like. Uh, ya think I'll skip that one... I still don't know how/what I should do. Should I wait or date? Should I reach out or not (she has made it obvious that she does not want any contact with me and honestly at this time I need seperation to allow my heart to heal)? Part of me wants to be in a relationship and part of me wants to wait and become whole again. At times I feel stuck, in a holding pattern. Is dating the answer, uugghh at times this is very frustrating.

I went to a seminar on communication. It was very interesting and I got a lot out of it. The speaker was talking about how to keep the communication especially difficult topics in the sweet spot, not in the minimize or aggressive zone. One thing I do is to minimize (shut down) and he was talking about specific steps to keep dialog open and the exact steps in giving me a voice or a way to communicate. I shut down when people get aggresive in communication because I do not know how to keep the dialog going in a healthy productive way. This speaker had some specific ways for me to keep the dialog in a safe place or the sweet spot. I'll post more about this guy and his method later.

[labug]

If you're asking the questions, on any of that, it's probably not time.

What would dating do for you at this point?

This is where we get in trouble, we don't like the uncomfortable feelings we're having and think we must do something to fix it. NOW!

Uncomfortable or even painful feelings usually mean there's something rumbling inside that we need to acknowledge, tend to, sit with, figure out.

What do you think?

[Makingchanges]

Hello subguy,
I just read all of your thread non-stop. You have made amazing growth. This gives me hope for my own journey. Keep focusing on all of the positive things you have learned and accomplished.
I'm with labug...you won't have to ask the question when you are truly ready.

[subguy]

If you're asking the questions, on any of that, it's probably not time.

True... however these are the feelings I have at times. I am working out the kinks and when I am whole again then I'll jump into the shark tank lol.

What would dating do for you at this point?

Well (insert sheepish grin) in my heart I would feel wanted, however my brain says that is so co-dependent. My being a confident whole person again is my goal. My hope is to not possibly wind up in another crazy relationship.

This is where we get in trouble, we don't like the uncomfortable feelings we're having and think we must do something to fix it. NOW!

Right the desire to not have pain is fundamentally strong and I understand running into someone else's arms is just a band aide and eventually that will crash, however it does not change how I feel at this moment in time. I will do the hard work on myself, I have plenty of time.

Uncomfortable or even painful feelings usually mean there's something rumbling inside that we need to acknowledge, tend to, sit with, figure out.

Oh so true!!!! Obviously the feeling of abandonment and rejection is strong esp. with the date for the judge signing the paperwork getting closer and closer. That is where I am at, feeling abandon and rejected. I understand that i let myself feel that pain, she does not control how I feel. The pain obviously has dropped a lot in severity and is extremely manageable at this point in time.

In all actuality this divorce is more of an indication of my wife and her lack of willingness to work HARD on herself and our marriage and has very little to do with me. That is not to diminish my part in this marriage and the work still ahead of me, however I am willing to sift through the painful stuff and she is not. I will own my faults and shortcomings and refuse to own hers any longer.

What do you think?

I think I like getting advice from you... I also think thoughts and express them here as a way to release them and get feed back. I think I actually appreciate my wife dropping the bomb on me... Stay with me now. If it were not for her I would not have come to this board and met other people or bought a Harley. I would not be here getting help/advice and working on me being a happier person overall. I would have been stuck in a marriage that truly did not make me a happier person (it was comfortable not joyful). I would not have started working on a better relationship with my son or daughter. At times I am still upset with her about how she has handled herself and that is okay, I am allowed my feelings. I think I will be stronger and in a better relationship eventually if I continue to work on good old me.

[labug]

I think I actually appreciate my wife dropping the bomb on me... Stay with me now. If it were not for her I would not have come to this board and met other people or bought a Harley. I would not be here getting help/advice and working on me being a happier person overall. I would have been stuck in a marriage that truly did not make me a happier person (it was comfortable not joyful). I would not have started working on a better relationship with my son or daughter

I don't have to stay with you, I AM with you on this. God saw what I needed to get rid of and gave me the opportunity to remove those things. My H and the BD were just instruments of that change.

Through that I'm understanding the peace that passeth all understanding.

[bustingout]

I am with you both on this. I am more and more aware of how much this journey is about me and my growth. It has nothing to do with H anymore. Just like he blamed (s) me for his actions past and present, I did a fair amount of my own projection and displaced hurt with him as well. I was a person I did not like and this is what I needed to begin reevaluating myself and how I treat the people I love.

[JuneReN]

I agree with you Busting . This has become a journey about me, more than a relationship with my H What we want and what we need are two totally different things. While I want to be with H I have come to the realization that A) he may not want the same and B) it may not be what I need at this point.

My decision to start dating has come out a hard look at myself and my current relationship with H. Time to let him stand a little more on his own And me too.

[labug]

subguy, I have been a person who always acted out of emotion, lashing out, moving, changing jobs, usually because someone else was not doing what I thought they should. If I just changed one more thing, then I would be happy.

I let my marriage wither away for the same reasons.

I was the unhappy person and I was the common denominator in all those situations. Hmmmm

Throughout my sitch I have had those feelings of being unsettled, needing to change something. The changes included, selling the house, moving away either within AZ or going back to my home state :0, going back to school, changing career tracks, and filing for divorce. As I've learned more about me, I realize that this is not ME coming up with these ideas, it's fear. Fear of letting my life unfold in front of me, fear of not having control, fear of facing my demons, fear of feeling disrespected.

With all of these ideas of change, people along the way, including my IC have told me to wait, if it's right, it will be right, just be calm, you're not ready yet, sit.

So I have, and they were right. I like where and I am and who I am right now. I have joy in my life. Like you, my life before was comfortable but joyless. I've learned how to be happy, how to honor myself, how to have really great Rs. Like is attracted to like. People who "get" the new, fearless, awake, aware, joyful subguy will be attracted to you and you will be amazed at how much richer your life can be.

You've had such growth through this process subguy, I'm happy for you.

[Maritimer]

Nice to see you finding yourself Subguy. I can relate with the self discovery bit. I just cant believe it took something so dramatic to get me to reflect on who I was and want to be.

I was also questioning joining the dating game again but then it will make the road a bit rougher if she chooses to come back.

The pain of being rejected is a tough one. Just remember She chose to leave you and you should have great pride in knowing you did everything in your power to make this work.

Continue to move forward with you head held high. Good things will happen!