Hey Hurt. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but keep posting.
This is a tough situation, and to me, a few things sound pretty straightforward:
1) You sound like you want the M to work and are willing to do just about anything to make that happen.
2) Your W is cake eating big time. If you think she's not checking out the other fish in the pond, you are wrong buddy.
3) The underlying issues of the first affair were never addressed (both sides).
How long ago did you read DB/DR? It might be time for another read. I'd also consider "Love Must be Tough" and "Five Love Languages." You might also consider "The Married Man's Sex Primer."
What are the issues as far as you know? What have you been working on? What do you argue about? What about your role in the M do you not like? What did your W like about you when you first met? What happened to that guy?
These are important questions, and the answers even more so. So far, I'd guess your W hasn't seen the changes she's looking for, so she's still shopping around to see if the grass is greener someplace else. You have to start by working on you, and that includes GAL.
If you look back at #1 above, that's a good quality...one lacking in most people these days. However, the bad thing about it is that it makes you look weak, and that makes you unattractive. You have to be strong and stand up for what you believe in.....being the whipping boy will not win her back.
This last bit, I don't say lightly. I was much the same, and fought to keep it together for years. It was only after I finally stood my ground and said "no, I won't accept that in my marriage" that things actually changed.
