Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

[TrentC]

Well at this point I would rather find a way to deal with it until we are back on track. Things are too sensitive right now to bring something like this up...if ever. He is a very independent person and hates when people tell him what to do so for me to voice this...would get me nowhere.

I'm sorry, but he give up some of that independence when he get married, and doubly so when he had kids. You aren't a babysitter, a housemaid, or a FWB; you're the woman that he pledged to share his life with.

The changes can't be all on you. He was unhappy for months? Guess what, those were months that he chose to let his relationship falter. He could have—should have—explained to you how serious an issue this was before dropping the "I'm thinking of leaving" bomb a second time. If he can't share what he's really thinking and feeling with you, then with whom can he?

Yes, you might push him to really leave you, but what is the alternative? Not knowing day to day what he's going to be like? Falling apart every time he stays out late, or says something you don't want to hear?

The alternative is him leaving and losing my husband. Not a great alternative for me....he was like this last time he came home too. Pushed the envelope. I remember a few weeks after he was home he went on a New Years Ski trip with a bunch of people, including wives and didn't invite me. He crosses the line cause he knows I won't say anything. But if I do then he gets mad and will leave.

I'm not sure I understand; are you saying that if you speak up he'll leave, but if you don't then he might leave anyway? What the hell kind of arrangement is that? You might as well go with the sure thing and get it over with, because at least you'll know where you stand then.

STOP MIND-READING. It's never done you any good. If your relationship is based on you trying to figure out exactly what you need to say and how you need to act to make him happy, that's not a healthy marriage.

This brings tears to my eyes because its exactly how I feel. I'm trying to say the perfect thing and act the perfect way to keep him happy and in a good mood when inside I'm so sad and spent.

That's the textbook definition of a codependent relationship, and they don't get better without work. When he's got everything he wants from you with minimal effort on his part, what on Earth is going to compel him to put more effort into your relationship? The answer is, you stop tolerating it.

I don't think the 4am stunts are acceptable either.

Glad I'm not the only one...he never used to come home after 2:30 at the latest...now 4? It's like he is staying out as long as he possibly can to see how I will react.

That is exactly what he's doing. He is testing whatever boundaries you may have set, and you're letting him get away with it. He won't stop because he believes he doesn't have to.

It's like he was in a war with me to see who will give in first...him coming home or me texting askin where the hell he is. Unfortunately I lost.

No, you lose when you give up and accept that the crappy treatment is all you can expect and don't ask for better.

[Lll54]

You are right. It's getting hard to take. And if it continues I'm just gonna have to tell him that in still his wife through all this and I deserve to be treated like it. I am doing everything in my power to work on this marriage and save it and I need his help. I can't fix this all on my own.

My question is nex time he is set to go out how do I healthily and in a way that isn't nagging, or motherly ask him to be home earlier. Or tell him it bothers me? How do i do that in a good safe way?

[TrentC]

You are right. It's getting hard to take. And if it continues I'm just gonna have to tell him that in still his wife through all this and I deserve to be treated like it. I am doing everything in my power to work on this marriage and save it and I need his help. I can't fix this all on my own.

You're absolutely right.

My question is nex time he is set to go out how do I healthily and in a way that isn't nagging, or motherly ask him to be home earlier. Or tell him it bothers me? How do i do that in a good safe way?

What exactly do you mean by "good safe way"? Because it sounds like you're looking for the magic words that won't make him angry, and you have to stop thinking like that.

How about this: if he's going out and tells you when he plans to be home, turn your phone off after that time and go to bed. If he comes home and asks you why you didn't answer his calls/texts, tell him that you weren't worried about him and went to bed.

See, he expects you to be hanging on his every word, waiting for that little bit of contact from him. Try that for a couple of nights and see what happens.

[Lll54]

Turning off my phone sounds like a great idea. The problem is i can't sleep when he is out. So I lay there for hours anticipating a text. I took a few melatonin to knock me out but it didn't work:(

I am definitely going to try this rather them bring it up through discussion. A nice more natural way of getting my point across.

[Lll54]

Thanks Trent:)

[Lll54]

Feeling somewhat positive...H came home from work early this morning and came into the room and woke me up and gave me a few kisses. Nice ones. Meaningful ones. Thanked me for the batch of cookies I whipped up last night and told me he ate 3. Lol. Said they were my best batch ever. Kissed me again...and left to the spare room where he sleeps when he is on night shift. Feeling positive because be NEVER comes in to kiss me. In 6 years of policing! He always comes home and goes straight downstairs to bed. Quite happy about this....gonna get boys out of house so he has a good sleep...here is to a good day so far

[Lll54]

Anybody have experience with mental disorders such as depression?

I'm trying not to diagnose or mind read, but....

H just came and met us and warned me and said I probably should stay away. He hasn't been this grumpy in 3 years...I didn't ask why. Then he came and sat and started crying and said he couldn't sleep again and has a headache. He went to workout and just drove around crying again. Told me it isn't me...he doesn't know what it is. Said he is just having a sad sad day an doesn't know why cause he has a pretty good life. Told me he doesn't wanna scare me but he is just being honest. I asked him to see a doctor, maybe he has depression. He said no. He told me about 15 million times how good of a mother I am for bringing the boys to play at the baseball diamonds rather than sitting in the house.
I told him he is a good dad too and he said no he isn't. If he was off work he would probably be at the gym...he was being sarcastic cause he has been working out alot lately for his training but putting himself down at the same time.
He is responding to my affection and stuff...but there is something wrong. I don't know what to do or say....I'm at a loss

[TrentC]

Unless you think he's at serious risk for hurting himself, I don't know there's a lot you can do. I don't know that there's anything you can do to compel someone to get treatment if they don't want to.

You can urge him to get help. Not necessarily for your sake or the sake of the marriage, but his own sake.

You say he was like this 3 years ago too? Are you talking about when he wanted to leave before?

[Lll54]

Yes I think he has to be the one to admit and get help on his own. I suggested it and be blatantly said "no". I know his pride maybe getting in the way as well.

I looked up depression and he seems to hit the nail on be head,

-under eating...check
-over excersizing...check
-sad days that last over two weeks...check
-not sleeping....check
-angry and moody...check
-irritable....check

It also states depression can ruin a marriage because the depressed who don't get help blame their spouse for their problems.

Yes Trent relating to the last time he left. Like he definitely has ups and downs throughout the years cause he is an emotional person but not this bad. I think his extremely stressful job doesn't helps matters...

A few weeks before this all happened he had a bad day. His best friend came down to visit and he couldn't even get out of bed. He said he didn't know why but was just so grumpy for some reason. And also a few days before this happened he had a bad day and re-assured me his grumpiness had nothing to do with me he was just upset about a case he was working on...

[Lll54]

H came home for a dinner break from work and said he was in a much better mood after visiting us at the ball diamonds. Talked about his sleeping habits again and how he is so tired and just wants to sleep. I encouraged him to maybe look into seeing a doctor for some sleeping pills. He didn't say yes or no. We had a nice visit. Talked about our new fridge and be mentioned getting new carpet for the house too. He was sounding much more positive.....taking day by day...