NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[Fartiltre]

Sandi & LTH,

Thanks for being here! I feel privileged!
I have a lot of questions and do hope you both will take the time.

Sounds like you are doing okay and I am happy to hear that. I agree with Sandi2, your W has no reason not to be nice to you because you have made this very easy for her.

I do feel okay!
I guess I have made it easy but at the same time I believe I have stood my grounds in regards of not helping her move, the financials, the talk to the children and so on. I do feel I have kept my boundaries but then again it is sometimes hard to evaluate your own sit.
I haven’t worked against her and this could be the reason. I see that now.

It does seem that your W is going to need to miss you and understand that things are different now if anything is going to change.

I agree to this and in here is also one of my big problems!
I understand she got fed up with me! Coach told me that she properly moved out in anger and I understand this as well. She got enough and I pushed her away. This was prior to BD.
Few weeks after BD I changed totally and started working 180s, PMA and all of that and I have done this for five months. I can without any doubt say that if we didn’t have a history she would be attracted towards me today.
But if she is stuck prior to BD this will be almost impossible to R.

On July 23. I gave things a last shot and got this from her:
We have been talking about this over and over
I have been withholding myself so much for the last months.
This has been coming for so long and you didn’t see.
It is not fair that you tell me you feel cheated because you didn’t get the chance.
Funny enough you are not angry in the mornings anymore
IDLY
You have been pursuing me for sex – I don’t believe how you have gotten through these months
I have given you everything you wanted
This already started when before D4 was born.
You have gotten it your way since BD

(You can read the entire post in my previous thread)

She is in the fog and this is not something she will miss.
So how do I make her miss me?
Can I do anything but focus on me, GAL and detach because that’s what I am doing.

Should I address her anger at some point?
For now I feel I shouldn’t address anything at all and just let her be! She is all excited about her new life but in a few days’ vacation ends and that’s when real life will happen. The summer has been beautiful but soon fall will hit. Financials has been easy on her with the new bank but soon daily life and expenses will come.
….and so on!
(This will also hit me but I feel prepared!)

I am glad you aren't going to accept every invitation - even though it is good for the girls, if she is cake eating she has no reason to want to come home.

I won’t and I don’t believe she is cakeeating at the moment. I believe she would like to eat dinner and do familystuff at least once a week but for now I don’t do this. At the same time I wonder if this is exactly what I need to do. It would give me an opportunity to show the new me and for her to realize that children has two parents for a reason.
That’s why I have made the 3-1 rule!
Am I doing wrong?

It is important for the children that you have the R you do, that you keep in touch and know what is going on.

I am doing this. I want to be a part of the children’s life! I am already facing a problem:
D6 is a girl scout on Wednesdays for 5PM – 6.30PM and this present a problem. Scouting is 15 min from here and this means that D4 will have to spend an hour in a car and that our eating time will be very late.
When W asked me about D6 attending I told her that this could be a problem. W got disappointed and a little angry. In fact she ended up telling me that I have to call D6 and tell her that she can’t scout because of me. (Funny when compared to the not blaming her for BD) I instantly backed out when she got angry and just told her that we can discuss this matter at a different time.

I don’t think the scouting will work and in my head I trying to formulate a rule that I might follow. Something like:
I will do all the good I can for the children but doing good for one should not hurt another (to much).
I don’t know if this makes sense and would really like your comments. (It feels like W doesn’t realize that D will have impacts on the children!)

At some point it seems you should be pulling back more than you have.

This is what I am doing right now:
I won’t reach out to W but since I have a history of going silent I won’t go completely dark
I guess I will initiate convo 1 time every time she has initiated 3 times.
I will be pleasant and nice towards her.

How and when should I pull back?

You guys cannot imagine what a turn-off it is for a WAW to see her H jumping through hoops of fire just to please her. It usually draws her disrespect and disgust to the point she can hardly be civil to him.

I fully agree!! I do not feel I am being a doormat. I am still working on my values and boundaries and I do try to stick firmly with these.

If she respects you, then there is a lot of hope of having her to feel in love with you again.

Once again I agree!
At the same time I think the only way I can earn respect is by being me! Focus on me and the children, live a nice life, GAL, be happy, do good in business and life in general – all of that!
Sandi, you told me many times in the beginning that there was no magic-word that would fix this. I looked but I am not doing that anymore. I am working me. Off course I look towards W but I mind my own business and me and I do not try to adjust the me towards her – anymore! So what is left is the hope and the patience.
If you have any suggestions towards actions I should take then please let me know.

How do I earn respect?
How do I go from respect towards feel in love?
How do I show the manliness you talk about?
How do I attract her from here?
Do you believe coach is right about the anger that W feels?

Right now I feel I have all the time in the world and that only two things can wreck this totally. Her falling in love with OM or me with OW. At the same time I have realized that I properly can’t do anything but work on me!


At the end of this long post I have one final question. 25 wrote this in my thread a long time ago:

Your wife has good feelings for you, still. That's a spark we're going to help you nurture in time.

I believe she is right about the feelings but how do I nurture the spark?



Ladies, I feel privileged and grateful that you both once again have taken the time to respond to my sit and give me advice!
I do hope the both of you will help me make out my path!

THANKS!

F