It’s been almost three years since my last post but unfortunately I am back. For those of you not familiar with my story, I posted the links below but in short in 2008 my wife and I got a divorce because I abandon the family shortly after we had our daughter. After about a year of DBing, we got back together and remarried in 2011. I can’t tell you how much joy our wedding day brought to me. Miracles do happen but unfortunately I am in dire need of one.
I honestly don’t know where to begin. From 2011 to 2012, for the most part things were really good between us. After a period of piercing I felt like we were finally a family again. In 2012, we decided that it was best if I went back to school, to leave my job as an economist and get my MBA instead. Right now I just have a master in economists so my opportunities are somewhat limited without a Phd. So I took a full load of three classes, in the fall and again in spring. This was tough working a full time job plus a daughter who is involved in a lot of activities. In short, I was absent for the fall/spring semester – always studying, at school or having to stay late at work. We started to argue about this and in short our arguments got pretty nasty. She wanted me to spend more time with her and with our daughter. I told her I couldn’t because of school, etc. I was wrong. I should have prioritized my family above work/school. As we were fighting, she would tell our daughter that I was a family neglecter and a deadbeat dad. I in turn got ticked and would call her the b-word, etc. Things got so bad that at one point I told her that I wish she would just die so that I could have some peace. What really pushed her over the edge was that as we were fighting about me not being able to take our daughter somewhere, she said she wanted to go back to school. I told her she wouldn’t be able to make it and that hurt her a lot because growing up her family told her similar things. I feel ashamed and embarrassed for my actions.
For the month of April we really didn’t talk much. One day in April I sent her a text basically apologizing for my actions and telling her that I want us to be a family. She text me back that she no longer trust me or has any feelings for me. I was crushed. I did the usual mistakes of crying, pleading, etc that only drove her away. In early May she told me that all the put downs I told her had caused so much emotional pain that she couldn’t function in life anymore. She said that from now on she was going to start focusing on herself, start going to counseling to work on herself and will start hanging out with friends. She said that maybe after counseling we can start working on our marriage but couldn’t stand to be with me. She told me that I was going to have to trust her that she is not going to cheat on me but that she needed space to find herself. For the next two months she was really cold, distant and rude. She no longer wears her wedding ring. From May till now I have done some serious DBing. Evening though I am still in school, I now do 100% of the household chores and have been taking my daughter to every event, spending lots of time with her, etc all while still working and going to school. I started to really seek God, go on men’s retreat, etc. I did my 180s so fast that my wife thought I was being fake.
From mid-July to now things have really gotten better. I am still sleeping on a separate bed but she has really opened up to me. She now calls me by my pet name and will wake me up in the middle of the night to talk. The other day she was asking me if I will go back to being evil and I told her only when it’s a full moon (trying to avoid relationship type talks). Point is she sees my changes. We are doing things together as a family like going on trips. Still no dates and there is still a wall but things have gotten better. Lately she has been talking about all the family trips she wants to take and has been really nice to me for the most part.
Last week I say she got a text message from someone that began with “my love, just want to wish you good night.” After doing some digging, I found out that this person is a coworker of hers and has been texting her almost every morning. Most of the messages are him telling her good morning, how did she sleep, does she want him to pick up anything for breakfast, etc. My wife carries her phone with her like crazy and is very protective of it (has it under her pillow when she sleeps). That text message is killing me. She goes walking for about 3 hours several times a week and now I am wondering if she is instead spending time with this guy.
A couple of nights ago she her back was hurting her in the middle of the night so she asked if I can rub it. As I was giving her a message, I broke one of the DB rules and started to hold her. She didn’t resist and when I caught myself and was getting ready to go back to my bed, she told me to stay. I told her that I miss having a marriage. She told me that we do have a marriage and that she has been making an effort to come back to me but that she has a lot of past issues that she needs to deal with (she hasn’t gone to counseling but tells me she is planning on going). She told me that she doesn’t want a divorce and that she knows that our marriage is going to make it. I told her to take all the time she needs but caught myself wanting to talk more about the relationship when she wasn’t ready. She told me the same night that she still doesn’t trust me because of all the put downs and that she has friends that she is confiding in to help her through. She then told me that she knows that I am not going to like it, but that these friends are guys. She later told me that in this past spring she was ready to leave me but her guy friends told her to fight for her marriage and that I need to trust her that she is not going to have an affair because family is too important to her.
These last few days I have been crying so much. I wish I never saw that text message. It is killing me inside. We are making so much progress and yet I feel like am being played. If she needs to confine in someone, she should confide in a counselor not a guy co-worker – ahhhhhhhhhhhhh – screammm. I have been crying so much (not in front of her) The last days at work I had my office door shut as I couldn’t stop crying, wondering if she is having an emotional affair. I keep remember what she told me back in May that I needed to trust her but this is so hard and I am an emotional wreck. I find myself wanted to get clinging, etc. Luckily I have caught myself so no real backsliding. I later found out that she had lunch with this other guy today (a friend of mine saw them at a restaurant and texted me). Ahhhh.. More screaming……..
I feel like quitting. I feel like she is having an emotional affair with this guy. I am mad at myself for putting her in a situation where she feels she needs to confine in other people but me. On one hand she is telling me to trust her and her actions are telling me that she is moving closer to me but then I keep thinking about this guy who texts her every freaking morning to wake her up. This really [censored]. On top of this, our anniversary is coming up in two weeks and she has started to subtly ask what I am planning for that day. More ahhhhhhhhhh. Scream…….On one hand I just want to do nothing so that I can protect my heart. On the other hand, I sort of feel like she is expecting me to go all out and will be disappointment if I do nothing. I told myself I will wait and see what happens the next several weeks to gauge where we are at. I spent a good part of today crying and praying. Last night I throw up several times as I keep thinking the worse.
Any advice will be appreciated as I am so confused.
