I feel better for a little while then worse again. I wish I could get to that point everyone says I should be at where I just decide he's cheated and I don't want him back. But I'm not there yet. I'd be lying if I said I was.
He's pretty adamant this marriage is done.
I'm trying to focus on action. It makes me feel better. Trying really hard to get the house ready to sell. That's taking up most of my time these days. But I hope to have it on the market by the weekend.
I have my 5th of 6 phone sessions with my coach tomorrow.
I have an advising appointment with the college on Wednesday. One of his complaints was that I'm lacking ambition, plus I've been a stay at home mom for 11 years and will need a job.
I'm going to a wine bar with a new friend this week - he also complained I'm not social enough.
Still making a point to never let him see me in gym clothes, another complaint.
Still running, with friends and alone.
Focusing on keeping my conversations with him just about the kids, bills and the weather. No relationship talk.
He is concerned about me dating and moving on. What is that about? He tells me he does not want to be married, this relationship is done. But then makes comments about me not dating and waiting for him after his next relationship fails. Or us remarrying in the future. Is he just being nice? Giving me false hope? I ask him why he cares and he gets grumpy. "Did I say I care?!"
I don't know. How do I respond when he asks about me dating? I'm not doing it and absolutely wouldn't before the divorce is final...but I don't know what to say about that. I need a 180 answer.
He is concerned about me dating and moving on. What is that about? He tells me he does not want to be married, this relationship is done. But then makes comments about me not dating and waiting for him after his next relationship fails. Or us remarrying in the future. Is he just being nice? Giving me false hope? I ask him why he cares and he gets grumpy. "Did I say I care?!"
Did he really say this? that he wants you to WAIT for him after his next r fails?... how selfish of him is this. Most WAS become so inconsiderate at times but this is one of the most selfish comments I've seen here. This is your easy 180 right there. How about showing him that you are definitely NOT waiting for him until his R fails. Don't tell him but show him that you are absolutely NOT. "I ask him why he cares and he gets grumpy" ... why do you even ask that? Don't. Always give him vague answers and NEVER ever tell him that you are waiting for him. Look great at all times and show him that you are moving on. If he makes annoying comments like that, try your hardest to not respond and change the subject.
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
Yes. He really said I could wait for his next relationship to fail. He does not want me to date at all.
I ask why he cares because he keeps saying it and I don't know what else to say. I'll work on changing the subject.
Funny you said selfish...that's the first time I've read that on here. And I have felt like that since the beginning...this is absolutely the most selfish thing he's ever done, a very selfish time in his life.
And he said that yesterday. He told his brother that I've been a remarkable wife, this is just his pure selfishness.
Talk about a 180 for him. One of the first qualities I fell in love with was how selfless and generous he was.
His complaints were that I didn't dress up enough and wasn't social enough. I have totally 180ed both of those since the moment I heard them. And he is P!ssed about it. He says oh, great. You're addressing everything now that I've left you and it's over. I had to leave you to get you to listen.
And of course I've told him if it bothers him that much, it doesn't have to be over. He's making that choice, I'm certainly not and he KNOWS that. Maybe not a DB answer but I've been hearing this for months, sometimes I break the rules.
Only it isn't true that I ignored him. He never properly communicated these things. And he admits that in one breath, then makes a comment about him having to leave me to get me to listen in the next. He's so confusing.
Ugh. Just venting. I have ignored many comments about my social calendar filling up. But he was really grumpy about it today when he brought the kids home.
They often get upset like that - they want to say it's too little, too late. And looking back, no matter how murky their efforts at communicating, they see it as clear and direct. Hang in there, and be consistant.
There is a good chance he is making these comments because he is confused about what he wants. Do not ask him why he cares or explain yourself, no matter how hard it is not to.
If he says he doesn't want you to date say "I can understand that" or "I know how you feel" and leave it at that.
Wen he complains about you making changes now you can say "I can understand why you feel that way". You can tell him "your perspective made me realize I wanted to change for ME"
Keep these conversations short, do not get engaged in R talks no matter what.
As for leaving him just because he cheated, that is a personal choice. For some people it is an absolute deal breaker but there are many marriages that survive and marriages that become stronger.
You cannot wait for him to change or apologize. You cannot base the outcome of your M on what you think he has to do to make this work. Yes, when he gets to the point of wanting to R he will have to prove it. However, trying to R or save a M by focusing on what the other person needs to do doesn't work. Focus on what you need to do. I know you are but I mean focus only on that, especially right now.
Hang in there. Sorry you are going through this.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
They often get upset like that - they want to say it's too little, too late. And looking back, no matter how murky their efforts at communicating, they see it as clear and direct. Hang in there, and be consistant.
Yes, yes and yes! He has said it's too little too late and he has insisted that I ignored his complaints until he left me. Well, no. He just had a childish way of communicating them. If I had understood I would have acted. And in his nice moments, he says he wasn't mature enough to communicate. But then he gets grumpy over something and it's all my fault again.
There is a good chance he is making these comments because he is confused about what he wants. Do not ask him why he cares or explain yourself, no matter how hard it is not to.
If he says he doesn't want you to date say "I can understand that" or "I know how you feel" and leave it at that.
Wen he complains about you making changes now you can say "I can understand why you feel that way". You can tell him "your perspective made me realize I wanted to change for ME"
Keep these conversations short, do not get engaged in R talks no matter what.
As for leaving him just because he cheated, that is a personal choice. For some people it is an absolute deal breaker but there are many marriages that survive and marriages that become stronger.
You cannot wait for him to change or apologize. You cannot base the outcome of your M on what you think he has to do to make this work. Yes, when he gets to the point of wanting to R he will have to prove it. However, trying to R or save a M by focusing on what the other person needs to do doesn't work. Focus on what you need to do. I know you are but I mean focus only on that, especially right now.
Hang in there. Sorry you are going through this.
Thank you. I think you are right. I still feel like he's very confused. I will remember the responses you suggest. It's hard to remember in the moment.
The affair is not a deal breaker for me. By mentioning his changes...I just feel like sometimes on here it's OK that he had an affair because I didn't dress right or go out enough. I know nobody really feels that way. I was just feeling grumpy that day.
I like what you say about him having to prove it if he decides he wants it. I will focus on my changes for now and if he ever decides he wants the relationship, he can read DR and get his own coach.
I'm getting it. I really am. I feel like I'm on solid ground. Time is on my side. I'm working on me. Making friends. Dressing better. Going out. Enrolling in school this week. Focusing on my future. And not letting him control my emotions anymore.
He called today. He asked if I still think we can fix this. And said that just because he always says he wants it to be over and acts like he wants it to be over...he isn't really ready for it to be over. Confused, much?
And I'm OK with that confusion. A month ago I probably would have cried or screamed or gone crazy. But now? I'm living by the wise words of my divorce support group leader...
Work on yourself. The couples that are really meant to be together will end up together. They won't be able to stay apart no matter how hard they try.
Sure I still hope that's us but I no longer feel like I'm waiting for it to happen...just moving forward with my life and accepting that now is not the time for us.
(And I told him yes, I do still think we can fix it)
sthelen, good to hear you are moving ahead. Your H does sound very confused, which in a way is good. Time hopefully will make him see the light a lot better. I love picking up different people's lines they say. "Work on yourself. The couples that are really meant to be together will end up together. They won't be able to stay apart no matter how hard they try." That was one of those lines that hit home. Love it.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
