i'm thinking today about someone saying i need to change one thing.
i'm thinking about the fact that inside of me- i do not care about h's anger or what is goig on in his head. he had a minute of spew other day- i mean really let loose for a few minutes about something totally stupid (as always) a word chosen that he felt could have been a better or different word. funny when we communicte at cross purposes and he doesn't understand (immediately) (it happens alot) - he sometiems (like olden bad bad days ) flies off the handle. tht is the one thing he got from quitting smoking and maybe from this all beginning.
it's all so long ago- i can hardly remember . i can believe it's all been either going on or building up to this for ten years
what a sad sad comment on me- to be "riding this out" and not really "know3ing" for soooo long. oh well huh??
anyway- this giant outburst- me- i swear- inside felt not one damn thing other than impatience to ride thru it( few min.) and to not say a thing. didn't even find it hard not to respond - FELT LIKE SAYING - YEAH , yeah, YEAH- WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS NEW. GO tell it to someone that cares.... and walk away
i am untouched by his anger lately- no kidding. don't even need to explain or try and "fix it" -
THAT'S GOTTA BE WORTH SOMETHING HERE - in my mental development and improvement.
the cleaning- i don't feel it. he's blamed me being messy soooo long and sooo hard for everything-
i've been lots lots better and not messy much at all for years now- it doesn't matter of course. whatta surprise.
i putz around and tidy here or there- i'm not killing myself anymroe making thish ouse spaerkle- he never had a good word to say about all that effort- id on't expect it now- but i don't do it either.
can i do this??? not care ? or is the "cleaning" my part of the agreement???? i always thought so- and was glad enough to do it- but lately, without love (as dopey as this one sounds) i don't feel it. i only cleaned to try and make him happy because i cared - now i know what a treasonous jerk- i don 't want to try and make him happy anymore. it's his problem
this false stupid "happy" thing-
kind of wanted to run away from here - fl house - his icky "life" "self" "mentality". sometimes i don't want to look at his stupid face til he's done -
i'm tired of his self centered life and behavior- but then i think how lonely i feel alone in nj-
it's sure a mixed bag isn't it??? it's those darn nites alone in the house-
oh well- guess i'll butch up one way or the other one of these days, weeks, years...
