i'm sorry about you having this DEADLINE thing hanging over your head with the russia trip.
know that feeling- soooo well, live it allll the time it feels like. hate it- the last day is sooooowierd - brace yourself. you will be back in the "fog" alot- so don't be surprised. i find myself wierd on "ending days" - STILL AFTER YEARS of his leaving crappola.
i wonder sosmetime if it will ever end for me- this business of 2 houses makes it sooooo tooooooo easy for him -
HE'S ALWAYS got reasons - his aunt is sick, his tennis buddies with the best games are down here- blah blah blah
if he wanted to be with me - he would. i can't stop thinking that....
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It's hard not to have BAD expectations about the touching, but will try. smile I feel like someone trying to get a feral cat used to human touch. But it's important to me to try at lesst, before H leaves.
yeah- this is a realllll stumper - isn't it??? i feel the same- i've thought a million times - i'll give it a whirl before he goes- once or twice i even couldn't tell if he was in the mood to initiate something or what was going on - in bed- before falling asleep - when he's at his "nicest" if he's got a "nicest any more. THEN I TELL MYSELF - well, if the "signs" are sooooooo covert you can't be sure- don't do it.
just me- just my own issues that have grown out of his issues with ed- i honestly belive in my heart it's his guilt and his )of course) affair and giant LOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEEE OF HIS FATCOW - that have queered that deal for him & me.
HONESTLY- if he ever regained his normal self- i don't think it would be a problem- BUT UNTIL he gets the notion on his own- i can't bring myself *(yet) TO EVEN try. did that make sense.??/ i admire your guts-
back scratch??? always a winner - in almost any sitch for touching thatis welcome and feels great??? this bit of no expectations and remainin g neurtal when someone is treating you like a litle pile of offensive pooh- hardest thing to swallow isn't it????
the land of rejection- what an awful awful place. sometimes i have to remind myself how much i liked being "special" to him- in his life. then i fFEEL SAD for alllll the people i know who never felt that - ever - in their m's OR IN their lives.
it's sooo hard to find love i think- for so many.
good luck- will be intrerested to hear how it goes - if you choose to share.
so are you GUYS REALLY GONNA VISIT??? IT will be so cool to meet up-
i'm struggleing with the "loving enough to let him go" - can't really get the jist.
i mean, if he HAS to go- i cannot stop him. if he doesn't love me - i can't make him. if he's insane (which he is) i can't fix him-
but how can it be loving him enough? i mean- i must care somehow big bwecause i'm here. do i wish him to be happy with ow? not on your nellie. i want them to crash and burn and for him to weep bitter tears over his stupidity and trashing the best person who will ever love him most (uh hem- that would be me)
can you explain somehow that i can understand what clicks with you- that you "get it".?? just curious- as dopey as it sounds - the feeling eludes me - even the concept.
(unless it's that bit about his happiness transcending your own?0) thati understnd- but don't feel anymore.
