Since my last update, me and the kids spent a great month in Germany.We are now back home.
I remained NC with H up until he arrived around the 21st of July. It helped me so much and was even surprised that he called his sister before he arrived and asked how I was. I struggled when he arrived to remain NC. He tried to initiate conversation as soon as he arrived (D5 has grown so much...etc). I just smiled at him and said 'yes'. He bought me and my two sister in laws a gift each. Again, I was surprised because I did not expect it. When he was giving them their gifts I honestly did not expect one from him. I thanked him but did not give any physical touch such as a kiss on the cheek or anything.
Anyway those are minor details. The trip was going very well. I spoke with H once about house repairs. But then I guess OW started to get insecure because just after a day he was back on that phone like nobody's business. What really got to me was that he lied to me and the rest of the family and said he had to leave Germany for work and actually went to meet her in her country. This resulted in him skipping his daughter's birthday. For the third year in a row. On top of that I learned that he has been confiding in his 18 year old nephew (!!!) about his affair and even giving him sordid details..bragging!
That very same 18 year old nephew has come back to Sudan with me to do a gap year here. He will be living with me and the kids for a year. Its weird to have a teenager in the house (they sleep a lot! and drink a lot of juice!), but he is a sweet boy. His father, who is H's older brother, is very supportive of me and the kids. They are 'on my side' as I was told.
On my daughter's birthday which was a few days ago, H called but D6 wouldnt speak to him. He didnt even attempt to ask me how the day was or ask to see pictures. That evening both my kids broke down. D6 was so hurt, I reassured her that he is loved and lovable and her daddy not coming to her birthday has nothing to do with her. S8 was in pain and felt guilty because H said he would come for S8 bday which is next week. S8 said it felt like his heart was ripping and that all he wants is daddy to come back home. He also said he feels like when daddy is around, his mind is someplace else. Like he is not really with S8. s8 wanted to speak with H so I sent H a message on his behalf but of course there was no response.
The next day I had had it. I was so angry at H. The skipping of d6's bday for OW...well, really for himself and his own fears (apparently OW had been taunting him with other men and angry at H for still being married) might just be the straw that breaks my back. In fact I think it is. I called H and I simply said to him 'I know'. There was pure silence for about 20 seconds. I broke it because I then said I would like to talk. We spoke the next morning. I spent the previous evening doing a lot of thinking. I wrote out what I told H on the phone. I told him a lot because I figure I have nothing to lose. I know he wont get most of it anyway because he is too busy being defensive about his life style. But I said among other things, that I believe in him and that someday I know he will face his demons. That I support him finding his emotional well being because it cant get any better for the kids until he does. In the meantime I need to protect the kids emotionally. I told him I am done. I am done with him. His friend his gone. I told him when he comes back he will no longer have open door access to the house. The kids need to be able to rely on him so we need to have set times so they know when to expect him.
I am now contemplating whether or not I will file. A part of me wants to and a part of me doesnt want to because I want to try and hold on. But I dont know yet. Of course I want H's affair to blow up in his face but I dont think me filing or not will make a difference, and I dont think me filing or not will make a difference to H being emotionally well and taking care of his kids...so I want to be really sure about my reasons before I do. I was determined to hold on, so this is a big change for me. But right now I just see him as a giant douchebag. I am still very upset...
FWIW I know that the affair is a band aid covering up the real issues H has to face. But I know that cant happen until the affair ends. It was pretty interesting to see how the rest of the family perceived H...lost, an emotional mess, needs to see someone, being manipulated, a 'd!ckhead'. And no one understands why he is doing what he is doing. One thing SIL said to me is that at least now it is all out in the open. H cannot hide this anymore. Who knows. I really thought he was reconnecting a bit better with the kids this summer and I thought I noticed him more engaged with us all in general compared to last xmas when we were all together...but then him flying off to go to OW and pacify her...well that just made everything change in my head. He is fooling no one.
In the meantime, we are getting on well back home. It really was a great summer overall. I spent a lot of time with my nephews and SIL's and BIL. In fact they are all coming out here for xmas this year. I am so excited. (the look on H's face was pretty priceless when they told him).
The hardest part in this MLC journey (if thats what it is) is the kids. I get the benefit of reading and learning and journaling, etc. My kids dont. And I want to keep them away from H while he is like this. I have no idea who he is anymore. I dont trust a word that comes out of his mouth. He makes my kids feel bad about themselves. But I think the only way I can keep him away is by filing and seeking full custody.
So thats where I am today. I feel pretty good overall except for the hurt feelings I have because of the way my kids feel. I feel in a good place and am ready to start thinking about my next stage of life. I really do want a partner in my life and someone to share in raising the kids with me. Its exciting to think about. So maybe filing is the way to...a little bit more time will tell.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
