Just got off the phone with my attorney. We have a pre-trial Monday AM. My attorney said the judge will want to know the status of the case and will not be happy with how things have not progressed. I said I hope they realize that we are not the ones holding things up and that they recognize it's all H. My attorney explained that is why he had the one on one meeting with H and why he has offered so much assistance to H in order to get the PMSA finished and signed. My attorney said your H is the one who put conditions and stipulations on getting it signed. True enough. He also put off getting the changes we requested made. I am sure H is going to present it like we are dragging our feet and refuse to sign. Anything to make sure he comes out smelling like a rose.
I got things around with the kids this morning and discovered H parked my car in the garage. I had it parked outside. You know, he acts like such a jack@$$ and then does things like that. Is he trying to prove that he is a good guy after all? I just don't get it.
He also went grocery shopping which is fine, but I really wish if he was gonna take the time and spend the money to shop, he could at least go through what we have and what we don't have. Everything he bought (except the pizzas they ate last night) we already had. Like cookie dough ice cream. Now we have two half gallons that are barely touched. And ketchup. Now we have two unopened bottles of ketchup in the pantry. I know it is not really a big deal, but when you're watching pennies, everything counts in my book. Especially since we are out of juice, vegetables and milk. Okay, moving on.
So I am freaking out a bit about next week. I just don't know what to expect and I have this fear of the unknown. My attorney told me what would happen, but I am still nervous. I know he is competent and able, but I don't know what H will pull. And if things do not go his way, he is liable to snap more.
Am I scared more that things will go his way or won't go his way? Either way he is going to become unbearable. Maybe that is what I am worried about?
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Of course you don't like it. Why do you think he does it? He does many things he "knows" you don't like. It's not rocket science right? I just want to be sure you consider the source when it comes to somebody questioning your integrity. I've been there. I know it's important to you, but I don't think it should be important what "he" thinks of you. That's just habit at this point I suspect.
I do realize how hard that is to walk that path. I've working at it for years
This is the point at which you decide your opinion is the one that counts for you, and where you love yourself enough to let that be enough. You're worth it.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I know...consider the source. My mom says that all the time. I guess I am not concerned with what H thinks of me (I already know) but I don't want him convincing people that I am a liar and horrible person. I defend my character perhaps a bit too much. But at least I am concerned about my character. Unlike him.
Do you know how hard I fight the urge to key his car every time I walk by it? LOL! Like Carrie Underwood style. I just keep telling myself "I'm better than that".
Plus I don't want to get caught.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
LOL. I think you'll find that if you engage in his accusations, you lend weight to it rather than prove that he's wrong. Make sense? If you know you're not that person, and don't engage in it, then it's up to everyone else to figure out if he's right or if he's angry and twisted and trying to hurt you. People have a way of figuring things out pretty quickly. Some will continue to hang with him regardless (they like the drama), but most will later come back and say, "Gee, he was a real ass. You're lucky to get away" I've had that many many times and it still continues. It doesn't make me feel better, but it reinforces that I don't want to lend credence to the accusations.
Academically, it's easy to know that. Emotionally, it takes a bit longer...
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
WH, I agree w/AJ...try to the best of your ability to ignore his accusations. You are the only one that knows the truth and you are the only one that can hold your head up high and look in the mirror and know that you have been honest throughout all of this. If you sit quietly, eventually people will see the real him and come to understand that the line of bs that he's been feeding them is just that...bs.
I know this is very difficult, but you need to step back and allow his fire to burn out. You do not want to add any more fuel to it for it to continue. When he realizes that you aren't taking this ugly bait, he just may stop some of his nonsense.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So I have told you how H seems too self assured and too full of himself? And how he said to me at one point that I was going to be "exposed"? I think I know what he was talking about.
About 3:00 today my attorney's office sends me a fax H sent them. It was marked from H as an urgent matter.
H was questioning my judgement in bringing the kids around this "male friend" of mine. At first I was like WTF? Male friend? I read on to discover H was grilling the kids about me taking D to a restaurant to meet this male friend and that S didn't want to meet him. H went on to say D told him this guy had dirty fingernails, a gruff voice and was loud and overbearing and scared her. Then it hit me.
On June 8, my DivorceCare group met for a quick dinner at this restaurant. I brought D with me because I had the kids that night. I told S I was meeting my friends from DivorceCare and asked if he wanted to go and get some ice cream? He said no, he wanted to stay with the dog. I said no problem. D cane with me and was shy at first, but then warmed up to them. The group consists of 6 women and one man. Who happens to be 20 years older than me. And yes, he has dirty nails. He is an auto mechanic.
Then H takes it one step further. I had reserved that tepee a few weeks ago and it fell through at the last moment. My good friend and co-worker let me use her cabin for the evening. H accused me of taking the kids to this cabin which he assumed was owned by this "male friend". Hence H was curious why I was allowing the kids to be exposed to another man while he couldn't take the kids around OW?
My attorney couldn't stop laughing the whole time I was on the phone with him. I was waiting with baited breath to read the attorney's response.
Well H thought he had one over on me. Unfortunately for him, I don't believe in dating other people while I am still married.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
That's very funny...and sad. If I read your atty correctly, that is not going to end well for your H. The absolute best thing for you is to totally say nothing nor give any indication your L told you that. Let it play out by your L. Timing will be important to bring everything to a quick end, and if your H gets an idea he can't win using this "bomb" he'll try something else. If your L is able to use this as one more lever to end this quickly, I strongly suggest you stay out of the way and let him.
FWIW, my situation had some similar actions and drama like that. She totally thought she had me over a barrel and it was the "aha!" moment she could use so that everyone thought she just "had to leave him. See, look at what he did!" I have no idea if others believe it or not; nor do I care. But I did care at the time. I do remember that
<shakes head>
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
My attorney already sent his response to H. Oh boy. H looks like a class one idiot.
In other news I was looking for the 2012 tax returns. I was snooping in H's room. Yes, yes I was. I saw them on the floor of his room earlier so I went to retrieve them. Not there. I checked the filing cabinet. Top drawer locked. Bottom drawer not. So I searched for the taxes. Nothing but I will tell you what I did find. An envelope from a "House of Diamonds" store in this area. On the outside of the envelope addressed to "The Future Mrs. H". I could just puke.
Inside was letter congratulating them on their engagement. Barf. I know I know. That's what I get for snooping. But I was looking for taxes. Not this.
This is all just so ridiculous. And dysfunctional.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Yes, it is very dysfunctional. And the sooner you can get away from it and H, the better. I can tell you that the more you snoop, the more of that kind of "cr*p" you'll find. As you surmised, he is building his case against you and building his other life at the same time while trying to maintain a facade and trying to hurt you as much as possible. He is trying that last bit very hard for a variety of reasons. Trying to make everything seem like he is the victim. Honestly, if he's anything like my ex, I don't know that it's ALL a conscious thought that drives them like this. I think they are running scared and bat*it crazy and need a way to make the bad feelings stop. When the initial foray doesn't seem to bring enough relief, they push harder. And harder. And harder. Until you are no longer in the line of sight. Then they find another target for their feelings or bury them really deep for the next explosive episode.
That is dysfunctional.
If it helps, when I snooped, I found similar. It's just part of it, and later it helps in the breaking of the connection. You'll be surprised how helpful what is now hurtful can later be. I was.
I'm flying home today and will be tied up most of the early part of the week. I'll check back on you later, but I suspect you'll be doing even better by then. I know it is painful to have found that confirmation, and repulsive at the same time. You have one of those MLCrs that wants a divorce, wants to actively hurt you, and is bats*t crazy at the same time. Welcome to the club. :)Please be sure to keep your hands and feet inside the cabin at all times. Please keep the aisles clear. I'm thinking of having t-shirts made up and the logo will likely be somebody trying to eat cereal while sitting on the ceiling
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
