No, it's you, T. You are the one who has changed. She is simply responding to the man she likes.
She is pursuing b/c you are not caving in when she crooks her finger, like you did in the past. I have to say she sure doesn't beat around the bush, does she? But I believe it has been good for her to be in the persuing shoes. If you had given in and slept with her that first time she suggested it, I do not believe things would have continued to progress in a positive way.
You are doing really good, so I hope it will encourage you to hold out a little longer.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It looks like Retrouvaille isn't going to happen for us (this year at least). My brother and his wife are going through the adoption process and were our only hope in childcare. They have been paired with a child and they get started a few days before Retro. It's a shame we won't be able to go but other than that it's amazing news and I'm so happy for them!
In regards to W and I spending time together, I have been holding her at arms length which has helped the situation and my position a lot but I know this is leading to her feeling pushed away and for me it feels like I'm playing games more and more. I plan on W and I getting a bit closer in the next few weeks. I'm not saying that means sex but I will let my guard down slightly.
I feel like my next step is letting her in a bit and at the same time keeping my strength. I don't think it will be easy for me but I'm going to give it my best shot.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I agree with Bug. You could be more affectionate, and even have sex, but don't let your guard down. That seems to be when you get knocked down.
It may sound rather cold, when putting it in words, but you must keep your guard up for quite some time with a WAW. I know you want to "let her in more", but it has not reached that point yet. Remember, it was not many days ago when you could not imagine her wanting to have sex with you. And even though you feel you are pushing her away, and playing games......it has caused her to want you more. She has persisted, just as I thought she would. If and when you decide to have sex again, it is important that you not connect any emotional value to it. Don't misunderstand what I am saying. I'm not suggesting that you not enjoy it. I am saying not to measure any "growth" or "success" by the act of having sex. She wanted to have sex the minute she got over her mad fit. The two of you were having sex when she had no intentensions of reconciling.
Many LBH's get tripped up by thinking the R is making progress simply b/c the WAW initiates sex. But what happens, very often, is the WAW uses this as a R temperature check. However, I think with your W, she just has a very high sex drive. I dont't believe she puts any emotional attachment or value to the sex act, at all. She is very crude about what she wants to do, which is simply having the physical act with no strings attached, just as before.
So, when it happens, be prepared by staying alert with your guard up afterwards. I am not sure exactly what you meant by letting her in a little more, but please be careful.
Your W is liking what she sees in you. You are going out and getting a life that does not include her permission. She is very curious about it, and jealous of any possible contacts with other females. Now. I understand how you don't like playing games with her, but you really need to hold back from revealing everything for a while. For an example, when you went to the bar, and she wanted to know with whom and all about the women you talked to. Don't lie, ever. But neither should you unveil everything she wants to know......until the M is on firmer ground. B/c you need to be a bit mysterious about what all you do and who all you see and talk to. MWD tells the LBS to do this in order for the WAS to be interested. In the past, your W knew she had you under her thumb at all times. Remember how I told you of her little tricks to find out where, what, and who by using her phone and asking for pictures? She is especially curious now. So even if it seems to you that it's game playing, you could use it in a playful way when she's asking questions like she did about your night to the bar. Again, don't lie, and don't make her angry b/c that is not the point in being mysterious. It is to draw her in by making yourself appear interesting.
It goes along the same line & thought as when we tell you to change your cologne, wardrobe, styles, haircuts, etc. It can cause a WAS to take notice and "wonder" what's up. And if they ask about it, all you have to say is it was time for a change. Same thing about GAL and answering her curious questions. She needs to wonder what you are doing and who all you are doing it with. Up till lately, she did not wonder. You were the one wondering about her.
In a way, you are kind of like it was when you were first dating (or wanting to date) each other. You wanted her to see you as being interesting and a bit popular. You did not give her an account of your daily activities. If you had, she would have lost interest and ran away. Each person (of the couple), has to allow some time of wooing or drawing in the other one. It is, in fact, like a dance or game. The attraction builds up to the point of wanting to be together more.......and learning more about each other........and more details about their daily lives. But you have to pace it, or you loose the other person. Once the couple's relationship is better grounded, the more intimate they become about their daily activities and their thoughts/emotions.
Even though you are legally M, you have to start over with her. Much like before the two of you were before the dating began. You are in that stage of trying to draw her closer by flirting. And, she should be flirting with you. I think you were flirting when she announced she was horny, but IMO, she was not flirting.......she was being crude. There is a big difference. I think she has not had to flirt to get your attention in the past, and it is something perhaps new for her. You have become more of a challenge for her. That is good! Most of the fun is the challenge of "catching" the object of our desire. And she certainly needs to be the one doing the chasing. If you make it too easy, she will not continue the chase b/c she's no longer challenged and therefore no longer interested in having a more meaningful R.
Almost every LBH says they are afraid the W will feel pushed away. I have talked to you about this before. You have that fear. Can't you see how it has worked in your favor so far? But if you do decide to have sex anytime soon, then please continue to challenge her every time, or else she will not grow to the place where she wants to move back home. I still believe if you hold back, it will pull her toward you. Maybe you could wait until she at least has more than "a toe in the door"? That would be a better measuring stick than just attending one MC session. But whatever you decide, you need to be prepared for whatever consequences it may bring.
Remember, don't have expectations. You have almost slipped a time or two by forgetting not to have expectations. Just b/c she invites you to stay, doesn't mean any more than she's honey!
I really wish you find somebody to keep the kids. Would her mother, or your mother (if your W would allow it) agree to keep them, if it was for the good of the M?
How much time have you spent with W without the kids? That was an assignment by the MC, right?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Lovethehub said something similar the other week. How I am after sex or whatever is more important than the act itself.
I agreed to go to the zoo this next Wednesday with the W and the kids last week. W was asking for us to spend time together and I suggested we go out for a meal after the kids are in bed. She asked me if I wanted to stay over. I told her I would think about it.
Today I drove down to see the kids for a few hours as I don't have them for the weekend. I suggested to W that I come down later on the Tuesday afternoon, we go out on the Tuesday night and we go to the zoo in the morning.
We have spent about an hour together (just us) on Tuesday and we will have an evening this next Tuesday. The plan is to do it every Sunday afternoon rather than me bring the kids back at 17:00, I will bring them back at 13:00-14:00 and W and I will spend the afternoon together. This hasn't happened yet because i haven't taken them back on a Sunday yet.
I know W will be on her period on by Tuesday. I know that doesn't mean anything for sure but it's much less likely that something will happen.
I think I have drilled it into my head so many times over the last few weeks that anything physical doesn't mean R that I'm ready to a certain extent if it happens. In a way I have to look at it like a one stand in regards to how much it effects me and my actions after the fact.
W has been flirting on and off for the last few days and so have I. It's very easy to start but also too easy to go too far with it.
My parents and W's parents are both on vacation during Retrouvaille. It literally could not have been on a worse weekend and the chances of them both being on vacation at the same time was slim but here we are.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I think I have drilled it into my head so many times over the last few weeks that anything physical doesn't mean R that I'm ready to a certain extent if it happens. In a way I have to look at it like a one stand in regards to how much it effects me and my actions after the fact.
I find it interesting. Years ago a man could tell a woman almost anything just to get in her bed. Even very young women would believe if the man had sex with her, he must love her. That's b/c they related sex as being love. But the man just saw it as sex.
Most of the posts I've read from other LBH's feel what you have expressed. I don't know if they always associated sex means love, or if it was after the BD. Maybe the sexes have changed places after all these years, IDK. But i think it's more about the LBH needing assurance his W still loves him. He thinks if she has sex with him, surely to goodness she has to love him!
I really hope the two of you will spend more alone time together before you have sex. But, it's pretty easy for me to say from where I'm sitting.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think I have drilled it into my head so many times over the last few weeks that anything physical doesn't mean R that I'm ready to a certain extent if it happens. In a way I have to look at it like a one stand in regards to how much it effects me and my actions after the fact.
I find it interesting. Years ago a man could tell a woman almost anything just to get in her bed. Even very young women would believe if the man had sex with her, he must love her. That's b/c they related sex as being love. But the man just saw it as sex.
Most of the posts I've read from other LBH's feel what you have expressed. I don't know if they always associated sex means love, or if it was after the BD. Maybe the sexes have changed places after all these years, IDK. But i think it's more about the LBH needing assurance his W still loves him. He thinks if she has sex with him, surely to goodness she has to love him!
I really hope the two of you will spend more alone time together before you have sex. But, it's pretty easy for me to say from where I'm sitting.
I have never had casual sex. It's has always meant something to me in the past. That probably doesn't help the situation I have found myself in over the last 12 months when we were intimate.
The LBH is looking for any sign to show him that his WAS still loves him so they grapple on to whatever is available. I think it's because a woman having sex with a man (imo) is the ultimate form of acceptance and therefore if this happens then she accepts him.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I plan on keeping my guard up. I'm open to what my or may not happen between us but my guard is up and I'm keeping alert.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
In a way, you are kind of like it was when you were first dating (or wanting to date) each other. You wanted her to see you as being interesting and a bit popular. You did not give her an account of your daily activities. If you had, she would have lost interest and ran away. Each person (of the couple), has to allow some time of wooing or drawing in the other one. It is, in fact, like a dance or game. The attraction builds up to the point of wanting to be together more.......and learning more about each other........and more details about their daily lives. But you have to pace it, or you loose the other person. Once the couple's relationship is better grounded, the more intimate they become about their daily activities and their thoughts/emotions.
In regards to the time I spend just me and W. In this time do we stay away from any issues that might crop up? No doubt they need to be addressed, but when?
I don't doubt we will be more successful in the dance/game if issues are kept out of it so when do we tackle them? Set time aside not related to the dating time or just make a note and leave it until later or at MC?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
