To me, too nice is giving them something that is beyond fair considering they have left you and the M.
Unless they are attacking you the position should be 'friendly neighbour'. If they ask for a small favour and it's not far out of your way then helping isn't being too nice. If your asked to do something you feel is unfair or you are being used then doing the said action is being too nice.
If you feel like you are a doormat you probably are in someway.
If you accept being used or treated like a doormat what does that say to your WAS? Whether it's actually noticed or it's just subconscious, it's not attractive and you stay in the same position or very possibly you take a further step back.
If you say no because you respect yourself they will be angry because they are not getting their way.
A few weeks ago my W and I had an argument and I stood my ground more than I ever had before. She was furious, throwing D's, L's and custody at me like ninja throwing stars. She hated me but i think I gained her respect.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Right now you definitely don't sound like a doormat to me either.
You probably won't know for sure until you are able to reflect on it.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Oh no, I'm not suggesting any man not be nice.....if her can. But I know you seem to have concussion about her being nice in comparison to others. And we don't read a lot about nice WAW's, but it is not as uncommon (from the posts I've read) for the WAH to be nice to the LBW, even when he has OW.
As long as she is showing you respect in your presence, in your home, and in front of your children........and respecting your boundaries, you should conduct yourself with politeness and friendliness, if possible. If you have to compromise with your values, standards, boundaries, and be passive in order to be "nice" to her.......then don't be nice or friendly. It is more important to be firm with her and have her respect. Nothing is more important than your W's respect. Without it, you can never have her true love for a H. A woman cannot love a man with true sexual love without respecting him as a man first.
So by all means, stand your ground, protect your boundaries, and don't be a passive wimp just in order for her to think of you as a nice guy. There are a lot of nice guys out there that a lot of women don't respect.
You didn't do anything wrong. I was just making a comment.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry to hijack the thread F, but if as Sandi says our spouses are going to continue staying nice because we are nice to them, is there a better way or answer to this. What I mean is, if we are being nice (too nice maybe) is that going against helping our sitch's? Is it making it too easy for the WAS? While I understand we should not be the opposite, if we are standing our ground with regards to money and other issues, what should we do differently? If it needs to be done? Should we not act like friends (if you even get that op)?
Read what I posted back to F. As long as you are not being a doormat and taking disrespect just to appease your W, then nothing is wrong with nice. I wasn't saying there was! I was simply trying to answer an issue F has had since he first came here.
The problem with you guys is that you are still looking for a way to fix it better and you pick upon a few words and let it throw you for a loop. Sometimes I feel like you strain at a nat and swallow a camel, but I guess it's the crises that make you that way.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for clarifying! You are totally right – it took me some time to get to this point, but I do believe that's were I am now! At first in sit I was a doormat but I truly believe this was only for a month or so! By the way – some of this development was only due to you hitting me hard several times at first so once again, thanks!
Originally Posted By: Sandi
Sometimes I feel like you strain at a nat and swallow a camel, but I guess it's the crises that make you that way
Yes we do and yes it is! I believe we all go through this phase and in fact we have to! The question is for how long we dwell in this phase. When I read in here it seems like somebody never leaves this phase while others go through it rather quickly.
When we start focusing on ourselves we conscious or unconscious develop and realize our values and boundaries and that’s when we put our foot down and gain respect - Not just from W!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Right now you definitely don't sound like a doormat to me either.
You probably won't know for sure until you are able to reflect on it.
Means a lot to me when coming from you! I have been reflecting on this (and much else as you know!) for a long time and I do not feel like a doormat! I feel good and like the man I want to be! If that isn’t good enough for W then that’s just too bad! I still have work to do but IMHO I am getting there.
I believe I am a man she would fall in love with if we didn’t have any history so for now it is all about patience, patience and more patience! I do hope that I will continue to feel good because this makes the patience part so much easier. I know the about the ups and downs and I am properly up right now but I am prepared for downs and will cope.
Thanks T!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
You are still my favorite Australian cow so do not feel sorry!
You will never be able to hijack my thread since you will always be a relevant and pleasant poster so just keep it coming! Did you get the answers you needed?
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Thanks Sandi for your reply. Similar to F, we just needed to clarify your statement in more depth, thank you for that. It was more a question of whether we needed to stop being so nice or eager to please. I agree that I don't think there is anything or anyone that is too nice if not being a doormat. F, yes I did get the answer I was after. Thanks also about the allowing to hijack, just giving you courtesy. If anything I had a lovely talk to a parent of some kids from my school today. Such a positive lady, she gave such a powerful message about needing to focus 100% on me and gave ways to do it. Just one of those moments that was needed. Will write on my own page later. Hope all is well F.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
