Newcomer's brief summary

[sandi2]

I'm not saying that a man should live with his W knowing she is having an A. But if you decide to confront her, you must be prepared to deal with the consequences, b/c it will push her for a reaction. In extremely few cases have I read about a W falling into the arms of her H and asking for his forgiveness. In most cases, she will tell him she's done with the M.

Maybe it worked for Thumper to leave a book on the bed for his W to find, IDK. But in MHO I do not recommend it. It seems terribly passive-aggressive, and again, what would your expectations be once she saw the planted book? Guilt, remorse, shame, tears.........? If she is in a full blown A, I doubt it would end by leaving a book for her to see.

Even in a face to face confrontation, it usually does not take care of the A. When my H confronted me face to face with solid proof that I had been having explecive sexual conversations on line with several OM, I did feel horrible and cried a river of tears. But it did not stop me from having an EA that had everything except physical contact. OM and i had live chat, a camera, and cell phone. That can take you a long way in an EA. i simply found ways to hide it better.

Once she knows that YOU know, and you do nothing but endure it while she continues with the A, it gets bad. She doesn't respect you now, but she will disrespect you even more if you reveal what you know.....and just endure the pain.

"It really makes me wonder what, specifically, is missing in her heart, life, wellbeing to be so attracted to another. Without being able to sit down with her and discuss the details and understand exactly how she's feeling how she feels, I don't know what how to fix that."

I doubt she's attracted to him. Here is what i believe happens in most cases where a woman gets into an EA. there is the woman who becomes emotionally vulnerable to any man who could make her feel good. Even though a woman can be very educated and have a position of power, if her emotional needs are unmet for a long time (depending on the individual), she is like a person who is drowning.......she will grab any thing thrown out to keep her alive. All he had to do was be in the right place at the right time and say the right thing, and even if it would NEVER had influence with her in the past.....it did that time. It sent a spark in her. Enought that enticed her for more. He satisfies her emotional needs without any physical contact. Of course, an EA often leads to a PA, but not every time, and can last a long time.

Then there are women who are in association with another man through some common link (for example, the workforce) and over time she begins to talk (share) and one thing can lead to another. Sometimes there is a physical attraction. Sometimes it is something else. In some cases, OM represents security, power, youth, comfort, etc. There are a lot of cases where women fall for the boss, doctor, professor, spiritual leader, BIL, or neighbor (to give a few examples) b/c of their association and her not being happy in her own M. However, I believe the woman succumbs to her emotional feelings and allows her mind to fantasize about the two of them. That is the fuel that gets it moving. The fantasy is her escape from her real world at home. It can encourage her not only to turn a blind eye on reality at home, but also to keep from seeing OM as he truly is (or the association in proper perspective).

In some cases of association, a couple falls in love. They D their mates to M each other. But I believe that happens when there has been unhappiness/loneliness/unmet needs in the M. Some may disagree with me, but I think falling in love with another M person, accidently, only happens in the movies.

Has your W never expressed her emotional needs? Are you aware of what it takes to bring that biggest smile to face, or hear her almost purr, or melt into your arms? Do you know how to get her down mood lifted into a happier one? Do you have any idea of the things that touch her soul like nothing else can? Has she ever talked to you where she tried to pull back the veil and let you see her uncertainties and fears? Some people can't do it. But some try and the S doesn't listen, or dismisses it.

She may have expressed her needs. It could have sounded more like a complaint to your hears. Sadly, we can sound like that sometimes. Would you say that you got into a habit of tuning her out? Maybe you pretended to hear but wasn't really.

I don't mean to insult you by writing out what you probably already know. But I said all of that to emphasize how a woman (or man) can allow their emotional needs to dictate their actions. How being emotionally unfulfilled for a lengthly time, can cause a person to be vulnerable and as a result make it easier for them to reach out to the wrong person.

With many women, they talk for years and then stop. They take little offenses over the years and tuck it deep into their hearts, but it's still there. You may have thought things were okay b/c she wasn't saying anything, however, it is like a giant snowball that keeps rolling and building. Now you have a serious crises headed right at you. how you handle it will greatly the future of your M.

Please don't make the mistake many men make, by getting your focus on the OM and the A. The root problem was there before the OM ever came on the scene. There are things you can do that will have a positive effect on the outcome of all this mess, if you hope to save the M.