Hey, SP, I think you've grown as a person too. I was just suggesting ways that might help you get to the roots of those issues you mentioned and remove them.
Sometimes it's good to have a coach to keep us on the right track.
Very good point, La. I haven't thought I needed to get to the root of my issues, and to be honest, I think I know where most of them came from. My entire family has the very same issues. I think I am a victim of monkey see, monkey do. My issues were learned traits, as I grew and developed as a kid in my household. With that said, in my mind; I figured I could just acknowledge that I have these issues and work on improving them, more or less solution based. I was seeing it as, "here is a problem, lets work on a solution". Do you honestly think I need to dig to the root of the cause? It is just something I haven't thought needed attention. I honestly assumed that recognizing the issue and wanting to work on them was 99% of the battle.
For me, I saw I had an anger issue. It was something that I lived with for a long time. I dug deep and found the cause of the issue. I sought out help to get to a remedy of the problem. I found out that a lot of what ailed me was not something I was going to fix on my own.
It seemed weak to have to ask for help. I was self-sufficient for so long. I came to find out that there is no shame in it. We may be able to see the transmission in our vehicle is broken but few of us are actually able to fix it ourselves.
Just thinking...
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
For me, I saw I had an anger issue. It was something that I lived with for a long time. I dug deep and found the cause of the issue. I sought out help to get to a remedy of the problem. I found out that a lot of what ailed me was not something I was going to fix on my own.
Can you elaborate on this a little? How did you come to the conclusion that you needed help?
I am wondering if my anger issues are similar to yours, and whether or not mine are ones in which I can work through myself. I feel that they are. Today, right now...and yesterday...I feel like I have a pretty good handle on my anger. Perhaps I am being naïve or stubborn. I don't know.
I can "want" to mow the lawn but I have to "do" to get it mowed... I can "want" to get a job but I have to "do" the work to make it happen. Nothing we all "want" does not get done without "doing". Results only comes before work in the dictionary... not in real life.
I came to that conclusion because it would not go away. As much as I tried to work it, recognize it, validate it, etc it would not go away. It was paralyzing me.
I counseled with my church pastor and he set me up with a psychologist that was a member of the church. I didn't have the money to pay for his help so I mowed his lawn. We would sometimes meet for coffee at Waffle House. The man gave me the helping hand I had to have. He pulled me out of the hole I was in.
It was an interesting view from that hole. I could see the light and the way out but I still couldn't get out of it. It
The abuse I went through at the hands of my father, the sexual abuse from the youth group adviser, issues stemming from divesting of my business interests with my former business partner, and the dealings of stuff relating to my marriage and unemployment all played a part in one form or another.
Before moving here, I used to smoke a lot of pot. This is what kept my issues at bay for a long time. It placated them and smoothed over those sharp edges. it numbed me to the pain and anger I was feeling.
Without that crutch, they started coming back. The erosion of my marriage was a result of this stuff.
Stubborn? Naive? Maybe. I can't answer that. I know I was being foolish thinking I was going to work through this stuff myself. Professional help is not an admission of weakness. It does not make you any less of a man. We are all human, brother.
"No man is an island." I now really understand what the meaning behind that saying is. I couldn't do everything all by myself. I wanted out of that hole. I wanted the feelings to go away. So I did what i needed to do.
What we have learned from others, we can unlearn. We have the capability of learning new habits, as well.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
I also know where my problem came from but needed the help of someone committed to keeping me on track and helping me face things in order to succeed.
Quote:
I was seeing it as, "here is a problem, lets work on a solution". Do you honestly think I need to dig to the root of the cause? It is just something I haven't thought needed attention. I honestly assumed that recognizing the issue and wanting to work on them was 99% of the battle.
I don't know what you need to do, but I know from what you say that you want to be happy and have good relationships. That takes work and lots of it.
What are you doing in terms of SBT now? Do you understand the triggers for your anger?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I believe I do know my triggers. I also feel I have been pretty effective in realizing when and how to control them. Now, I am not trying to portray that I don't get angry. Of course I do. However, I am no longer acting on that emotion like I once was. I am much, much better at redirecting my feelings and acknowledging that I am turning my hurt into anger, in most situations. Simply knowing that aspect has given me a lot more power over the emotion.
I am getting better at setting my boundaries. Wife called yesterday and asked for a favor. She asked if I would be able to drop daughter off, after our visit, to a racetrack about 30 minutes away. She has become really involved with OM and his circle of friends. They spend a TON of time at the motocross track. Wife went on to express that she has been doing so much running around that gas prices in her SUV were killing her. I simply replied, "I don't have any plans to go into town tonight. If anything changes I will let you know ASAP. For the time being, you should plan on picking up daughter at your apartment as usual". I left it at that, which I know made her angry. Regardless, I was polite, direct and set my boundary. The END.
I have also been on a date....I will brace for any 2x4's, but just to be clear it was only a casual dinner and a movie, no kiss at the end, no innuendos, purely above the boards. I have been talking with this girl for a couple weeks. She is someone I knew briefly years ago. While I do enjoy her company, I am struggling with the idea of getting out and socializing with the opposite sex. Without a doubt, it definitely does wonders for the ego and self esteem, but I want to make sure I am ready before even remotely considering romantically dating. For now, it is just for mutual friendship. On that note, a friend is trying to set me up with yet ANOTHER woman. I exchanged some texts with her yesterday, after she initiated. I will be honest, I feel like I have options again. Life isn't over yet! Girls still dig me....haha It's been an exciting week, but I am treading VERY, Very lightly. I am not prepared to lose focus of my self growth and end up in a dead end relationship that I should have never started. I am keeping my head in the game, and not getting wrapped up in emotion. Life is moving forward, perhaps not quickly, but it's moving!
So, I think I am reaching the summit in regards to controlling my anger....haha
Wife has daughter call me this morning, asking to drop off the tent. They are going camping for the weekend. Daughter explains that she and a friend will be sleeping in the tent and "mom and OM" will stay in the motorhome...okay, fine. Let that go, SP....which I did. I just let it run off my back like a duck sheds water. Good move forward with my emotions.
Then, wife and daughter show up at the business later in the afternoon, which is fine. However, wife has OM's mother in tow. This woman she now calls "mom". Wife proceeds to take "mom" for a leisurely walk through the resort. IMO, that takes some pretty big balls on wifes behalf. At first, I felt my temperature flare, but then I reminded myself. "that's just hurt talking. Let it go". Granted, I still think this was disrespectful of wife to pull, and it lacks any form of class, but I again just let it go. I took a little drive into town to do an errand. I figured that way, I would not have to encounter them walking around my property while I was working. All in all, I feel that I made a HUGE leap forward in controlling my temper today....On to better things! Today feels like a real WIN!
