It has been a strange few weeks. although I hadn't wanted to move in these circumstances I had come to accept that was going to happen. Had made plans to move on, and start again. Once the house sale fell through I was initially relieved, then I felt like the clock had been turned back a year. I felt like I was back at square one, and as all of this coincided with BD I started to relive the fears and anxiety I felt then. It has taken me a couple of weeks of being quiet and keeping to myself to come to terms with all of this. I talked to my C who said I should just accept the emotions and let them out before I moved on. which I have.
While GAL was on the top of my to do list this week, I was surprised to receive calls/e-mails from a number of people. It was a shock to me to realise I had so many good friends, and how lucky I am to have them in my life.
I have made some changes to our home - so things are just how I want them...
As for my partner. Just after the sale fell through I sent him a short e-mail - basically saying I had heard from the agent and how disappointed he must be. He thanked me for the mail, and said "well, these things happen"
I sent him a further e-mail a couple of weeks later. I had a really frightening dream about him, and when I woke the first thing I wanted to do was call him. I didn't, but couldn't get rid of that nagging feeling. However I received some mail that was a notification of money due to be taken from his account for bill payment. so I sent him a quick note FYI, and he replied - saying we would catch up soon. We haven't - yet. But he e-mailed me again today (several times) regarding a meeting he was having with the estate agent, and asking for my opinions. I gave him some points of consideration, but did not express any definite views, leaving the final decision to him (made no difference to me either way!) He has decided he doesn't want a Sale board erected - a 180 - it was me who originally objected and took the original one he had put up removed ( I ripped It out of the ground myself). He is considering changing agents when their initial contract is up (we have actually passed the minimum time). when he sent me an update following the meeting he had told them if there is no sale by the end of Sept he will take the house off the market!!! Hell, he' been set on selling it from BD - it has been his game plan from the outset- sell the house, no responsibility, no me and dog!!!
Then said was planning to come see me soonish - next week? Dear God, I hope not. Next tues is my 50th birthday. My memories of how badly he behaved on my bd last year are firmly etched in my memory and I do NOT want a replay. Will he remember my bd? Who knows, but he had filled in the correct details on a legal doc for the house sale he completed ready for my signature a few weeks back.
Just when I think I am coming to terms with all of this and moving on something really silly/minor occurs and my emotions come to the fore and seem to overwhelm me. I have always believed he would come back, but I cannot see how that is going to happen. sometimes I think I can see/sense a slight change in his behaviour and would like to think things maybe taking a baby, baby step in the right direction. The problem is I do have expectations... I always expect to hear/see something I don't want to see/hear and in that case I would rather not see him, as much as I want him back. Crazy... and that's supposed to be him not me..!
