"I have the same impression that he signed to a dating site because he is lonely and because he cannot find a partner he wants (willing to go to the bars with him, responsible and fun, no nagging, no jealousy, no demands, no arguments about anything, no small kids, not too fat, in other words a harmonious relationship.) But it tells me that he hasn’t changed his mind about ending our M and looking for a new R. I’m thinking that until he tries what is out there and finds that what he had with was the best ever, he will continue looking. But if he gets involved into a R, even though it will not work, I might be done by then. IDK if I will be able to have an R with him after that. I think that knowing that he signed for a dating site stops me from initiating any contact."
Wow I missed this Bright. That's some harmonious relationship
I don't think the fact that your H joined a dating site indicates that he hasn’t changed his mind about ending your marriage at all. He didn't even ever use it, did he? He may have thought he would give it a try and then forgot all about it.
Believe me, if your H really wanted a new R, he would be able to find a woman who would at least PRETEND to be all those things. Well except for not being fat. A lot of women are desperate to find a man and to catch your H would be glad to instantly turn into someone who is willing to go to bars, is responsible yet fun, would never nag or act jealous, would be agreeable with no demands or arguments about anything ever, and her small kids would not be mentioned, believe me! Look at my H - online he is a successful business man!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Sounds like you know where your path is taking you, I wouldn't spend too much time on H and the dating site thing. Sometimes our negative emotions lead us to do things out of desperation.
He is thinking "There is better out there..." Ummm....no. There is not lol! Trust me on this one
I do understand regarding the contact. When xSO and I were in more contact, I used to count three initiated contacts by him and then I would make a small one. (Three was random, but I find numbers very soothing).
So much depends on what you want - slam the door or keep it open a bit. Maybe it is selfish of me, but since I am so not ready for another relationship, in my case I can keep that door open without extra pain to me, so I keep it open.
At some point, Bright, if you want to indicate that the door is still open, you'll have to break out of your current pattern. That, I think is when you can send a small, personal joke or follow some of that advice in the Text Your Ex book that you once were kind enough to quote for me.
I know how scary doing something different can be. The business conversations are comfy territory. After several months of NC, I decided to send a short text to xSO. I was scared he would not answer and he never did. But as it turns out, his non-answer gave me an answer anyway.
When you are ready, Bright, I would encourage you to try. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain. You can always return to the status quo. We will be here for you, no matter the outcome. If it makes you feel better, feel free to run some ideas by us.
Bright, you can initiate contact occasionally to test the waters. I recently initiated one myself to Ms. Wonka and now waiting for her response. The topic? Upcoming NFL season...we're both football crazy fans! Think about safe topics outside of the business realm to text H.
Our texts are every few weeks apart. Not sure when the last text was for you and H.
Linda, Portia, Ruby, Wonka thank you for your comments and advice.
Linda, while I was at vacation home place, I went to the beach a lot, with my dog. I found it to be very relaxing in the ocean. You are right, I’m sure there are lots of women who would be willing to pretend in order to catch my H, but even our mutual friend in Mexico (GF) mentioned that he is too selfish right now and doesn’t tolerate anything that he doesn’t like. She said that in her opinion he will have really hard time finding someone, especially after having me as his wife.
Ruby, I like how you put it “He is thinking "There is better out there..." Ummm....no. There is not lol! Trust me on this one “. I know that what he had with me will be very difficult to repeat. He will not find everything I had to offer with somebody else. Our mutual friends, my GFs, my sister and her H think the same way too. There are a lot of people who are scratching their heads when they find out that the separation idea was H’s, not my. While in our vacation home place, I went to the BBQ hosted by the couple who I knew through my friends. The woman knew a little about my story, at least she knew I was separated. I talked to her husband, who barely knew me, and he asked about my situation. When I told him that we were separated, he said “If it would me, I would not let you go, you are such a nice person.”
I think you are right about the desperation part. For H to sing up in the dating site is quite an unusual step. He hates this kind of things, especially when they start sending him advertisements and offers to buy more services. He is still not active on that site, so I’m not sure if he is using it at all, or just looking at the profiles without being visible.
Portia, Wonka, I agree with you that I need to change the dynamics sometime and test the waters. I guess I’m waiting for the right moment.
Wonka, H’s texts come pretty regularly, once a week. Last phone conversation was about 5 weeks ago. His texts are about business, asking me to send him the updated company file. The strange thing now is that he didn’t send the file back for a second time. I had to ask once, and I need to ask again, since I’m getting ready to do some my updates. He also didn’t send the confirmation that he received the files. He knows that I need to do the updates eventually, so IDK what to think of this. Is he waiting for me to ask? Does he just not care?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
So, I texted H today asking him to send me the company file back. I started with “Hope everything is good in such and such city”, I used an alternative name for the town where he is right now. Kind of tried to make a little joke. He texted back right away telling me that he sent the file 2 days ago and asked “Did you not get it?” I replied “no”. He texted back that he would send it again. A couple of minutes later I’ve got an e-mail with the file and asking me to confirm if I receive it. I did. He didn’t call me by name in any of these exchanges, and he didn’t reply to my attempt at the joke.
He replied to my text immediately. Coincidence again? And he also was next to his computer. So, he was not at work and not at the bar. It was about 6 pm his time. I sense there is something different in his behavior, but cannot pinpoint what it is.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I'm sorry H didn't respond to your joke Bright. I think it's great that you pushed yourself a little to get your conversation beyond the work-discussion stage. But just because he didn't comment doesn't mean that he didn't appreciate it!
You seemed a bit surprised that H was not at work or in a bar at 6 pm. Is that unusual for him?
You wrote on my thread about my H: "If he wants to go live in Russia, there is nothing you can do. You are right to say that you will let him go and will have a happy life here without him. This is what I keep telling myself too. My H wants to live in Mexico. He cannot do it now, since he has to work to support himself. He can only be there for a few months when he is not working. I love going to Mexico, but I’m not ready to live there full time. Maybe when I’m retired, I can live there, but I would still want to maintain my residency and home here."
Does H expect you to turn the vacation home in Mexico to him, since he signed the quit claim on your house here? I think it's great that you are communicating more. Were you two already living apart some of the year before his MLC? Is it unusual to not see each other for so long?
Will you try a little more joking or friendiness soon Bright? I think it's a great idea.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thanks for your support, Linda. I guess the joke didn’t go well. The town’s name I used is “The Bottom of the Lake”. IDK, maybe he interpreted it as sarcasm? Maybe he is having very low moods these days. I think his work is not going too good. Maybe I just hit the nerve with this joke?
He was not at work on Thursday. And I know in the past he would be in the bar by 6 pm meeting with his drinking buddies and gals.
This what his plan was before, to live the house for me and he would have the vacation home. But, he behaves (at least in the past) like he doesn’t mind me being there (when he is not, of course) and also bring my family and friends. I think now he is thinking how he is going to afford that place, and it might be contributing to his moods.
We never lived apart for more than 3 weeks. It was when he was working away from home, but he always came home for the weekend after every 2 or 3 weeks.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Update: H sent me text this morning “Send me back a portable file so I can do invoices. Thanks”. WTF, this sounds rude. He always used “would you”, “could you”, “please” words in all his communications, with me as well, even when we were in a good R. He also stopped using my name again. What happened with the “becoming best friends” intentions? I hope he didn’t decide that I was trying to make some kind of advances and tried to push me back. I can’t even think what I did to make him think like that. Maybe it not this, but something else. Maybe he is depressed and angry. IDK. I didn’t reply. I went for a walk with the dog and received another text asking me look up his SIL B-day in the address book. This time he said “please”. I replied that I would do it as soon as I am home. He replied with “Thanks”.
I came home and sent him the info. No reply.
Is this some kind of touch and go? A couple of weeks ago he was very polite and pleasant in his texts. And now, he sounds annoyed and rude. Is it just my impression? I kind of decided to take his lead and reply in the same manner, not too rude though, but kind of dry and short. If he starts being polite again, I will follow.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
And now, he sounds annoyed and rude. Is it just my impression?
No mind reading! It could be a number of factors. Stress with a deadline. A pesky customer called. Flat tire. Got turned down by some woman. Just never know.
Yes, this is a hard dance when DBing long-distance. This is why I often stepped back and let Ms. Wonka initiate when she feels that too much time has passed. Going dim seem to work in my sitch.
Remember....keep things light and fun. In my case, it was the following 'safe' topics that seemed to open the faucet:
Super Bowl NCAA basketball tourney Pete's joke Prince George NFL teams Happy Birthday exchanges
See?
You can do it, Bright! What is the next fun, safe topic for you to send to H?
