Just to give you a little insight, last year when my wife was having her affair, there was a good 2-3 months where we tried sharing the house. It was torture for me knowing that she wanted to be with someone else. After a few pretty bad fights and when I threw a bunch of hard evidence in her face, we were talking about the next steps and what we were going to do. We laid out a few options, divorce being one of them and then I suggested a trial separation instead. She took to the idea and decided to get her own apartment closer to work and I stayed in the house. Throughout the time she was out, she tried keeping the fact that we were separated a secret - we didn't talk about it with our friends or family and it was a big facade for a while. One thing that she did say early on in the affair was that she wasn't happy. That didn't mean doing what she was doing was going to make her happy but by staying she saw that as more of the same. When she came back she said it was because she wanted to and wanted to make our marriage work but I think part of it was because she saw what it was like to be on her own and wanted things to get back to some sort of normalcy.
Now, I think she simply doesn't want to have to be responsible or answerable to someone else which isn't too far from last year. She's hanging out with a younger group of people that don't have the responsibilities that she would under normal circumstances. She wants to be able to go where she wants and hang out with who she wants. What's interesting is that we never had an issue previously about that - we both had our friends and would have no problem spending time separately with them. What is different is the lack of concern for my opinion and something I continually struggle with.
What did I change previously? I worked on getting a life when she was out of the house. I had my softball seasons, participated in 5k runs, spent time with my friends and made it a point to do things regardless of what she was doing. That's not to say I don't do that stuff now but I made more of an effort. By the time I was going to have to find new things to do with the change in weather, she moved back in.
What worked? Not pursuing her constantly. Because of the affair I was 24-7 consumed with where she was and who she was talking to. I had figured out how to read her text message and and was simply just consumed with it - despite how much of a torture it was. Once I stopped doing that stuff, even before she moved out, I started to feel a lot better and she could obviously notice that I wasn't on her all the time about what she was doing. I feel like still do decent job with that and giving her space but I know with all these new people she's hanging out with, I'm constantly putting her on the defensive.
Changes I'd like to make? I'd like to be more confident and I'd like to be able to say, "No" and not feel bad about it. I'd like to find a way that we can both be happy.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
