Don't understand, why now???? Plus what do I do??

[ct man 1969]

I drove 180 miles each way on Wednesday to go see my daughters @ summer camp for family night. We had a great time. More importantly, while I was driving I prayed much of the time. I've now come to the conclusion and/or accepted the realization that whatever will be, will be. Even if I don't agree with it initially, I will abide by God's plan. God knows what's best for me and will provide what I need to get through this. I'm sure he'd rather see my wife change her mind, but if she doesn't God's got something beautiful waiting for me.

My wife not coming home the other night has really changed the way I look at the marriage and the way I look at her. I really don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me, but if she changes her mind AND God puts it in my heart to take her back, so be it. I really don't see that happening, but for now I need to focus on me and my daughters. I don't have to be mean to my wife, but I surely view her differently and am disgusted by her and her actions. I would rather not speak to or see her at all at this point.

I know that I tend to waiver back and forth (I think that's natural in my situation being on an emotional roller coaster), but I hope this frame of mind lasts. I think it's the most healthy way to look at things.

Thank you all so much for your input. I'll still come on the forum from time to time to give updates or share if something has changed. Thank you all once again and God bless you.

[forlovessake]

Amen! God is a God of redemption, and he can still restore this. And if not, He'll guide you to peace.

[makingmagic]

ct.... I am "with you" in your thoughts... I just wish mine would last longer than 5 minutes... I get all courageous and then flip-flop back and forth. What are you doing to insist you stick to your guns and believe in God's path?

Good luck to you!

Magic

[etc]

...but I surely view her differently and am disgusted by her and her actions. I would rather not speak to or see her at all at this point.

She senses this and that's why she's running from you. You need to show her that you are giving her a gift: the gift of freedom to do as she pleases. Strive not to be disgusted. Put your ego aside. Try to see things from her perspective. Find true empathy.

Remember what MrBond said about looking at this as a gift - that was good advice! You have to totally let go of her. Love her unconditionally. Think of how God loves us: Agape. Remember, You've had an AWAKENING.

This will be the greatest challenge of your entire life. Once she senses that you are not trying to control her or keep tabs on her or JUDGE her and that you're totally accepting of whatever she's feeling or trying to figure out right now... she MAY want to be friends and include you in her life again.

Change your thoughts of disgust to how YOU contributed to the downfall of the M and what you can work on. You can only change things about yourself. Your W is on her own journey. This is your time to take yours!

You can still GAL with your girls... Fish, take walks, check out new sights, take up a new sport together, research a new subject, draw pictures, paint, work on a new project... be the best Dad you can be. Be a H your W would be a fool to leave because it's the right thing to do regardless of where this all goes...

ETC

[ct man 1969]

makingmagic,

Sorry for the delay in response. I've been swamped @ work. The way I do it is by staying in the word and I guess hearing a sermon about Joseph a couple of weeks ago kind of gave me my "courage".

Don't forget the horrible things that Joseph went through and the bible reminds us over and over during his story that he remained faithful to God.

His brothers wanted to kill him but settled for selling him into slavery. After being raised into a position of power within potifer's house he resisted potifer's wife and she got so angry she accused him of trying to rape her. While in prison he interpreted a dream for the pharaoh butler, the butler said he would tell pharaoh and he forgot until years later. All the while he kept his faith and was always being lifted into positions of authority no matter where he was.

In the end, if it weren't for him keeping his faith, his family would have starved from the famine, and the blood line of Jesus Christ would have been lost. So everything happened to him for a reason. That's what keeps me going. There's a reason for what I'm going through. A long drawn out answer, but I thought it necessary.

[ct man 1969]

Thank you etc, I will definitely do that

[ct man 1969]

Well, today we have a 4-way meeting between myself, my wife and our lawyers to see if we can settle any issues before this case goes to court on Monday. It doesn't look like anything I've tried has worked with my wife and doesn't look like she'll change her mind. And to be truthful, as much as I still love her with all of my heart, and as much as I know this will be the most painful experience of my entire life, I think it best for us to go our separate ways. Even if she were to come to me today and tell me she changed her mind about the divorce, I think I'd be forced to go against what I feel inside and tell her no.

I just know that I'll never, ever be able to trust her again. She cheated on me 23 years ago when we were dating. We broke up for 3 years and reconciled. But this time it's different. This time we had taken vows. This time we have children together. This time we built a home together. It can never be the same and I feel that it would only be a house of cards if I took her back. I think that the slightest bump in the road would put us right back where we are now. I don't have the stomach for that and I surely can't risk putting my children through all of this again.

Both my daughters have told me they want to live with me. In fact my younger one asked me if she had to spend any time with her mom at all after the divorce. I told both of them that they can't hold grudges and they need to respect their mom. They may not agree with her decisions, but she's still their mom and they need to respect her. And though she doesn't love me anymore, she surely loves both of them. The irony is that my wife keeps accusing me of pitting them against her. I know my wife won't find out for many years from now, but one day she'll find out that I've always been an advocate for her with my children. That I've always been the one telling my girls to cut her slack and encouraged them to spend more time with her, not avoid her.

I just hope and pray she doesn't get nasty through this whole process. But I think that's inevitable also as I know she's getting advice from a friend of hers that is just plain evil. She's been fanning the flames since this all started (at times, right in front of me). Hopefully my wife's conscience will prevail over the influence of this so-called friend of hers. Please pray for my situation.

[ct man 1969]

We came to an agreement about custody without going to court. I moved out on my own last Saturday. My wife has called and/or texted every day since. Sometimes to talk about very trivial things. She asked me to come over last Friday to talk, so I got my hopes up (bad move). She just wanted to talk about how to split up the assets. I asked her if she thought that the divorce was the best decision for all four of us. She said she thinks so, but wasn't sure. She's invited me to have dinner 4 times in the last week. I said yes once. Should I ask her if she just wants to postpone the divorce? I don't think she's sure. Starting last night, this is the first week she'll be alone in the house b/c I have the girls. Maybe things will sink in. I don't know. But she seems to want to speed things up to finalize the divorce even though she's not sure. I haven't given all details and will provide more if asked. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

[AnotherStander]

Should I ask her if she just wants to postpone the divorce?

I don't see anything in your post to indicate she's changing her mind. She'll tell you if she is thinking about postponing. Rest assured, she knows D isn't what you want. You don't need to remind her.

Starting last night, this is the first week she'll be alone in the house b/c I have the girls. Maybe things will sink in.

I thought the same thing when my W moved out. Yet here we are a year later. What I've learned is that the W I knew before who placed her H and children before everything else and who lived for the family life is long gone and has been replaced with someone more interested in her own personal pursuits. Your W probably isn't the person you knew before BD, and she won't behave or react like that person anymore.

[ct man 1969]

I told my wife that I wanted her to be totally sure about going forward with the divorce because 2 weeks ago she said she didn't know if she was sure. I asked if it would be a good idea to live separated and handling the custody of the girls like we were divorced until the new year. This way it will be a substantial amount of time to see if this is what she wants. Plus we'll be going through the holidays as well. If she feels the same way we will go forward with the divorce. She agreed (well at least for now). Please pray for my wife and our marriage. Thanks and God bless.