Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

[TrentC]

My boundaries would be my married husband father of three little boys coming home at 4 am is unacceptable. But I feel like I can't be controlling right now. If I say that to him he will walk out that door so fast...

If it's a boundary, it's not controlling because it's not about what he's allowed to do, it's about what you WILL do. You're expressing what the consequences are for unacceptable behavior.

I mean, his behavior is REALLY unacceptable, right? It's making you miserable? If so, then why let him do it to you?

He totally is....my heart and brain can't take it anymore. I cried yesterday for roughly 5 hours of my life. I'm so emotionally drained. This just isn't like him.

If he needs time and space to sort his stuff out, give it to him. Tell him that if he wants to really work things out that you will be there for him, but you can't live like this.

Yes, you might push him to really leave you, but what is the alternative? Not knowing day to day what he's going to be like? Falling apart every time he stays out late, or says something you don't want to hear? (And you have three kids together; no matter what he thinks, you're never going to be out of his life, not completely.)

And speaking of kids, how are they doing in all of this? Do you think that their dad coming home all mad or moody at all hours of the night, or their mom being a nervous wreck, isn't having an effect on them?

And the scary part is one of the guys he went out with last night was a friend of his back through our last split and they grew apart and have now re-connected their friendship. Which is bad altogether I think. He has come along way since then being that he has a serious gf now and is building a house with her and talks about marrying her all the time...but still.

Why is that bad? Was this guy pushing him to leave you the first time?

I agree its not fair. After he text me at 2 he asked me if I was happy he text me. I though that was weird. But I just said yes of course. I appreciate it. It's almost like its a sneaky way of asking for permission to stay out till 4.

I think he's manipulating you. He's giving you just enough crumbs to make you want to stick around. You know you have codependency issues, and abusive people know how to make codependents dance to their tune.

I am having a hard time not letting his moods affect me. I'm trying so hard to go with be flow...

He is also asking more than often how my planning for school is going. It's almos like he wants to make sure I have something going on so he isn't leaving a stay at home mom...

STOP MIND-READING. It's never done you any good. If your relationship is based on you trying to figure out exactly what you need to say and how you need to act to make him happy, that's not a healthy marriage.