I do miss my W - I feel like I was never given the chance to say goodbye to her before this new person who I don't recognize took her place. In some ways that loss feels similar to what I imagine the sudden death of a spouse might be like. Truly horrible and sad beyond words.
GM, I could not agree with this more. My xSO simply vanished from my life like a puff of smoke.
Quote:
She really does not care what happens to me at this point.
This is the hardest thing for me to accept even after all this time. Most probably because I can not relate to it at all. I still have quite a few friends that I have known since childhood and would not have treated them like I was treated.
Wishing you all the best on your continued journey.
Thanks for the updates GM. I too wish the best for you... and your dog.
These words hit me as so sad:
Quote:
I remember the good times but they feel more and more distant like a dream you can just catch a glimpse of after you wake. I wonder when they will slip away.
Yes, life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people.
Please remember the good times you had with W were real. Keep those memories forever.
FY
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi GM, it's good to see you're making progress on your road to healing.
This is from my point of view. It's a bummer that she keeps coming round to your place for your dog. If I was you I would wish that she would feck off forever.
In My sitch we have kids so the chances are that I will see my ex from time to time. Which to me succks. She looks awful and the OM Nic can keep her.
We signed the mediated separation agreement today, essentially putting the nail in the coffin's lid. In the process I learned a lesson that I'd like to share. I asked for a written apology in which she would take responsibility for what she did. I don't know why I asked for that - just a gut feeling it was something I wanted. Well, if nothing else the letter I received today was enlightening with regards to her state of mind:
"I don't think there is anything I can say that will change how you feel about me. I am sorry for how our marriage ended and I am greatly saddened by the fact that after so many years together, we are now strangers. The depth of this pain is so unfathomable for me, and I know you are hurt and suffering. It was never my intention to hurt you, and I am truly sorry that things happened the way they did. I do not proclaim to be perfect and I have certainly made my share of mistakes. Like everyone else in this world, I am doing the best I can, trying to clumsily navigate through life.
I feel sorrow, guilt and sadness. I am sorrowful that your grandparents are now not part of my life. I miss them very much.
I hope someday we both find ourselves healed."
I was really struck by the almost pathological inability to accept any responsibility for her actions. Everything is seen as something that just "happened" as opposed to something that she was the author of. She exhibits only remorse for the consequences - like a child who is sorry to have been caught, not for having done the misdeed. It always comes back to how the consequences maker HER feel and not how they impacted those around her. She clearly has remorse of some sort but can't seem to tie that remorse to her actions. Even when she admits to causing me emotional trauma, she turns around and excuses it because it was "unintentional" (despite her full knowledge of the emotional consequences of her infidelity and abandonment). And then to trivialize what she did by saying, in essence, "eh, nobody's perfect" was almost too much to take.
It would almost be bizarre enough to be interesting to observe if it was someone else that I was reading about. But seeing my wife become someone else is truly one of the saddest things I have ever witnessed. God help her if one day the fog lifts and she really sees what she has done. ____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24/12, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25/12 EA/PA ongoing, MC 9/30/12-present D mediation in progress
GM, I am truly sorry that things have gone "south". I had hoped that things would have settled down a bit for you and your w, but it appears that she is still on the yellow brick road searching for her inner self.
As for the apology, what she wrote is the best that she can do right now. I can tell you that this apology may be as good as it gets. They aren't very good at apologizing and accepting the blame for the destruction that they have created and left behind. To actually focus on the destruction that she's left behind would be too painful for her to accept and see w/her own two eyes right now.
I do hope that some day she will wake up and realize what she's lost. GM, time to continue moving forward and turn the focus back on to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
" In the process I learned a lesson that I'd like to share. I asked for a written apology in which she would take responsibility for what she did. I don't know why I asked for that - just a gut feeling it was something I wanted. "
IMHO you shouldn't have asked her for this. You wanted her to say she was wrong. That's an ego thing and won't help your resentment of her because you pressed the issue. It's not something she voluntarily came out and told you. You will not get closure this way.
The only way to find peace is to actually forgive her with no strings attached. No apologies necessary from her. That way you release her and YOU are at peace with it. Technically your sitch hasn't been very long and so you are still in the early stages of DB.
Personally I can see there still being a chance for your M, but it would require you to forgive your W.
Good luck to you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I get that MB. It is especially hard to forgive someone who does not ask for forgiveness, but I've been working on that. I responded to her letter shortly after getting it (and before posting here) and my last paragraph actually mirrors your thoughts:
"It was probably wrong on my part to solicit an apology from someone who isn't genuinely sorry. I will leave it to you to grapple with those demons. I don't want those negative feelings to be part of my life anymore. I've said what I needed to, I know that I have consistently done the right thing, and I forgive you."
____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24/12, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25/12 EA/PA ongoing, MC 9/30/12-present D mediation in progress
Also, one additional thought on this. My motivation for asking her to admit her responsibility came from the feeling that the mediation/divorce process in my state is entirely focused on the division of assets and does not take into account the actions of the parties. In essence, it made me feel like I was equally culpable, which is a horrible feeling when one has been so wronged. Despite language like "Fair and Equitable" the whole thing is the very picture of injustice. In the end, she even ended up with sole custody of our dog - heartbreakingly unjust for someone who did absolutely nothing to deserve any of it.
But in the end, I realize that it doesn't matter what a court decides or what mediation determines. Sad though the outcome may be I'm beginning to see that, when everything is stripped away, all that is left is the ability to look myself in the eye and know that I did the best I could. Regardless of the outcome, I can truly say that I've given this process everything I am capable of giving, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable pain.
____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24/12, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25/12 EA/PA ongoing, MC 9/30/12-present D mediation in progress
GM, it is sad to hear about how things are going. About the apology, I think you got about what can be expected. In my case, my W had a 1-night stand, I found out about it and asked her to leave. A condition of her returning was an apology. She did and I accepted her back. I have two observations: first, she said she was sorry but now I wonder if she truly is, or as you say, maybe she is just sorry that she got caught? Second, she apologized, I took her back, and now we are living a "normal" life. Yet, I feel as if it is not enough. I wish she would apologize again and maybe again after that ... I guess what I'm saying is that it is hard for us to let go and forgive and forget.
