Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

[TrentC]

You know what you have to do. Give it time to work.

If he is only days away from leaving you for good, I don't know what you can do (that you aren't already doing) to change his mind. There really is no trick that will fix things quickly. If there was a magic fix, we'd tell you to do that instead. He's been stewing for months; you can't repair that in days.

[Lll54]

Yes. I have to focus on what you said earlier. That i can't fix him. He needs to figure out what he is going to do on his own.

He text me a few times tonight. Normal texts...asking about the boys and how my day was. Keeping positive...not really. Lol. But trying!!

[Lll54]

Well. I don't even know what to say. He came home from work in the best mood. Kissed me about 43 times, hugged me, the whole 9 yards. He was heading for wings so he thanked me for letting him go 43 times and left. Text me from the bar thanking me again and told me he loves me. Text me at 2 am sayin he was at friends having drinks, and he would be home soon. I woke up at 3:35 and he still wasn't home. I text him, home soon? He text me back, just leaving. When he got home he was so livid at me. Asked me why I was still awake and jumped into bed in disgust. He rolled around all night and was jus pissed at me. I feel like he is still my husband and 4 am is late and i got worried. I need to keep my boundaries in place and not completely change how I feel about our life and coming home so late?

[TrentC]

What exactly are your boundaries? Have you told him what they are?

It's starting to look like he's pushing your buttons, getting you so scared he's going to leave that he can walk all over you.

He's your husband and he is just as accountable to you as you are to him. Staying out all night, coming home angry AT YOU, and not telling you why? That's BS. You can't live like that.

[Lll54]

What exactly are your boundaries? Have you told him what they are?

My boundaries would be my married husband father of three little boys coming home at 4 am is unacceptable. But I feel like I can't be controlling right now. If I say that to him he will walk out that door so fast...

It's starting to look like he's pushing your buttons, getting you so scared he's going to leave that he can walk all over you.

He totally is....my heart and brain can't take it anymore. I cried yesterday for roughly 5 hours of my life. I'm so emotionally drained. This just isn't like him. And the scary part is one of the guys he went out with last night was a friend of his back through our last split and they grew apart and have now re-connected their friendship. Which is bad altogether I think. He has come along way since then being that he has a serious gf now and is building a house with her and talks about marrying her all the time...but still.

He's your husband and he is just as accountable to you as you are to him. Staying out all night, coming home angry AT YOU, and not telling you why? That's BS. You can't live like that.

I agree its not fair. After he text me at 2 he asked me if I was happy he text me. I though that was weird. But I just said yes of course. I appreciate it. It's almost like its a sneaky way of asking for permission to stay out till 4.

He woke up this morning ok. He was affectionate to me. Kissed me and hugged me. But I think I allude his minor grumpiness to hardly any sleep....again. He was soooooo happy towards me last night. Grabbing me and kissing me so hard and it was passionate and everything. Today's were just ok.

I am having a hard time not letting his moods affect me. I'm trying so hard to go with be flow...

He is also asking more than often how my planning for school is going. It's almos like he wants to make sure I have something going on so he isn't leaving a stay at home mom...

[TrentC]

My boundaries would be my married husband father of three little boys coming home at 4 am is unacceptable. But I feel like I can't be controlling right now. If I say that to him he will walk out that door so fast...

If it's a boundary, it's not controlling because it's not about what he's allowed to do, it's about what you WILL do. You're expressing what the consequences are for unacceptable behavior.

I mean, his behavior is REALLY unacceptable, right? It's making you miserable? If so, then why let him do it to you?

He totally is....my heart and brain can't take it anymore. I cried yesterday for roughly 5 hours of my life. I'm so emotionally drained. This just isn't like him.

If he needs time and space to sort his stuff out, give it to him. Tell him that if he wants to really work things out that you will be there for him, but you can't live like this.

Yes, you might push him to really leave you, but what is the alternative? Not knowing day to day what he's going to be like? Falling apart every time he stays out late, or says something you don't want to hear? (And you have three kids together; no matter what he thinks, you're never going to be out of his life, not completely.)

And speaking of kids, how are they doing in all of this? Do you think that their dad coming home all mad or moody at all hours of the night, or their mom being a nervous wreck, isn't having an effect on them?

And the scary part is one of the guys he went out with last night was a friend of his back through our last split and they grew apart and have now re-connected their friendship. Which is bad altogether I think. He has come along way since then being that he has a serious gf now and is building a house with her and talks about marrying her all the time...but still.

Why is that bad? Was this guy pushing him to leave you the first time?

I agree its not fair. After he text me at 2 he asked me if I was happy he text me. I though that was weird. But I just said yes of course. I appreciate it. It's almost like its a sneaky way of asking for permission to stay out till 4.

I think he's manipulating you. He's giving you just enough crumbs to make you want to stick around. You know you have codependency issues, and abusive people know how to make codependents dance to their tune.

I am having a hard time not letting his moods affect me. I'm trying so hard to go with be flow...

He is also asking more than often how my planning for school is going. It's almos like he wants to make sure I have something going on so he isn't leaving a stay at home mom...

STOP MIND-READING. It's never done you any good. If your relationship is based on you trying to figure out exactly what you need to say and how you need to act to make him happy, that's not a healthy marriage.

[chl0901]

Sorry you're having a hard time right now.

I don't think the 4am stunts are acceptable either. And I know what it's like to have a moody H who can go from one end of the spectrum to the other daily. I try to not let his moods affect me, which is hard to do, but I think I'm getting better at not reacting externally when he is being grumpy.

I hope you have a good weekend, maybe you can go out for a bit to get a pedicure or something relaxing!

[TrentC]

Saw this online and it seems appropriate to the discussion:

"Becoming a doormat in a relationship destroys love." ~ Dr. Edwin Locke, Ph.D. & Dr. Ellen Kenner, Ph.D.

[Lll54]

I mean, his behavior is REALLY unacceptable, right? It's making you miserable? If so, then why let him do it to you?

Well at this point I would rather find a way to deal with it until we are back on track. Things are too sensitive right now to bring something like this up...if ever. He is a very independent person and hates when people tell him what to do so for me to voice this...would get me nowhere.

Yes, you might push him to really leave you, but what is the alternative? Not knowing day to day what he's going to be like? Falling apart every time he stays out late, or says something you don't want to hear?

The alternative is him leaving and losing my husband. Not a great alternative for me....he was like this last time he came home too. Pushed the envelope. I remember a few weeks after he was home he went on a New Years Ski trip with a bunch of people, including wives and didn't invite me. He crosses the line cause he knows I won't say anything. But if I do then he gets mad and will leave.

Why is that bad? Was this guy pushing him to leave you the first time?

No he didn't push him to leave he was just single and always available to go out drinking and we never really got along so I don't assume he talked good sense into H. I think that's why H and him grew apart, he didn't really like him.

STOP MIND-READING. It's never done you any good. If your relationship is based on you trying to figure out exactly what you need to say and how you need to act to make him happy, that's not a healthy marriage.

This brings tears to my eyes because its exactly how I feel. I'm trying to say the perfect thing and act the perfect way to keep him happy and in a good mood when inside I'm so sad and spent.

I don't think the 4am stunts are acceptable either.

Glad I'm not the only one...he never used to come home after 2:30 at the latest...now 4? It's like he is staying out as long as he possibly can to see how I will react. It's like he was in a war with me to see who will give in first...him coming home or me texting askin where the hell he is. Unfortunately I lost.

[Lll54]

"Becoming a doormat in a relationship destroys love." ~ Dr. Edwin Locke, Ph.D. & Dr. Ellen Kenner, Ph.D.

Isn't that the truth....how long until you stop being the doormat to save your marriage...

Also forgot to fill you in Trent, I gave what you said a go this morning...
He woke up and I gave him my affection...and he wasn't giving me much back. So to make a confusing story short...I didn't feel reciprocation and therefore unfelt myself pull back and quit following him around the house like a puppy. This urged him to give me a little more. He asked me to come sit and have breakfast with him stuff. So it seems to work. I can still show him my changes without sitting on his face an getting nothing back.

Update....he called me from the hardware store and was joking around askig who i was....I answered his wife...he asked which one....i told him his favorite and he laughed. Was nice for a minute of normalcy. We joke like this alot. We went out or lunch today with the boys and it was nice. We talked about house things...normal things. He needs to fix a few things so we discussed that. We talked about my school and his schedule and how we are going to work it. Was nice.....

Taking it in stride.