W instigated a R talk last night. We were out for dinner for our 11th wedding anniversary.
We were having a nice dinner, then right out of the blue she said she felt she needed to talk. She never does this.
I'm going to do my best to summarize the details and transcribe the convo. This is obviously not word for word and may not be in order.
(I was very compassionate and understanding. W teared up off and on throughout. There was no anger or contempt at any point)
W: I wanted to bring it up because I know its been obvious the last couple months and I don't think its fair to you to not discuss it. I've been struggling. I've felt like I haven't wanted to try. I don't like talking about our problems. I feel like we've only ever been good at surface conversation, it doesn't get any deeper than that (I actually mentioned this to her a while ago, but I just kept my mouth shut) I don't want to go to a MC because I don't think there's anymore they can do. I didn't even want to bring this (R) up because I don't like hurting you, I want to protect you.
Me: I understand. It must have been hard for you to bring it up, but I'm glad you did.
W: Thanks. I still feel the same about the intimacy. When were alone it doesn't feel right, I get anxious about S. I just want R to be the same as it is for now.
Me: It has been obvious lately that's how you've been feeling, thats why I haven't said anything. I don't want to pressure you into doing anything. If you want things to be the same as they are for now then thats what we'll do. I want you to feel safe talking to me. Do you?
W: Yes I do. I don't want to hurt you. I don't think this is fair to you, I'm not sure how long I'd expect you to do this.
Me: Obviously being your roommate is not my ideal, but I'm trying to be patient. Have I thought about how long I'm willing to do this? Yes, I have, but I'm not sure what the answer is. I continue to fight for this M and our family with a passion I've never felt before. I continue on my journey to better myself.
W: I can see that, you've done amazing. That's one of the things thats frustrated me. You've made all these changes and I still feel the same. You're an amazing person, father and husband...you always have been. We have an amazing and blessed life. Why do I still feel this way?
Me: I don't want to discount your feelings, but its because of the things your talking about that I think you, or we, need to see someone. As I've said before, you're not going to wake up tomorrow morning with new feelings. You/we need new skills and a path to follow. We, or you, can't do that alone. I've been educating myself about this daily for the last year.
W: I've been reading too. (She said mostly Google searches)
Me: I'm glad to hear that. It may be beneficial to read books.
W: Talking with you about all this makes me feel better, I'm glad we're talking. We should schedule times to talk about it.
Me: That sounds good. I'm a little concerned what your expectations are. You understand that "in love" feelings change in a long term marriage right? (I went on to explain "Loving Attachment" etc)
W: I understand but don't agree with all of it. I feel I want "some" passion or deeper feeling.
Me: Do you fear losing me?
W: I don't think I do. I feel so bad for saying that. I think if you left tomorrow I know I'd be okay.
Me: What do you want?
W: I'm not sure what I want.
Me: Do you have needs I'm not meeting? Is there something I could be doing?
W: I don't think so.
W: I'm thinking long term...10, 15, 20 years from now.
Me: What do you want?
W: I want to "crave" someone.
Me: Again, I don't want to discount your feelings but I'm not sure you're being realistic.
W: I don't know. Look at some of the people around us. (She mentioned her parents, my parents, my sister and BIL, and our best friends) I know when my dad leaves for more than a couple days my mom misses him. We've never even had that opportunity because we've always worked (job) together. We've always got along at work, but again, it was always surface convo, we're good at that. But then when we're at home its still surface convo.
Me: You do understand that all those couples (I'm not sure what she talks about with her parents) all have their own issues right? That they may have worked harder at their R and/or communicated better?
W: I understand I can't just pick things I want from other relationships.
Me: I said this since the beginning (BD) but these are things we can work on. We can change our M dynamic. I want the same things. Our old marriage is dead, its gone, it wasn't working. We need to take all the goods things from it, put them in a chest for safe keeping and move forward.
W: I'm so thankful for the way that you talk to me during these talks.
Me: I'm glad. Listen, I have my fears too. I fear that by outpouring all my love to you and being the one in this R that is "doing more work" than the other that I'm making it too easy on you. I will fight to the death for this family, but my love isn't unconditional. If you do what you did (EA) again, I'm gone. If you refuse to work on this M long term or treat me poorly etc, I'm gone.
W: I know
Me: Do you still hold any feelings for OM?
W: Absolutely not. Truth is I never really did. I haven't really thought of him.
Me: You're not chasing the "feelings" you got from that R?
W: Not at all. But when that happened all my feelings about our M that I was dealing with internally for so long all turned to concrete at the same time (she told me this at BD) and I haven't been able to get my feelings back.
Me: The thing that happened 2 months ago with getting text from OMW and what happened the days after...does that have anything to do with how you've been feeling?
W: Not at all. I haven't really thought about that either.
She then thanked me again for talking with her and that it made her feel better. We left and went outside. She gave me a big hug and told me she loves me.
We had a couple hours to kill so she asked what I wanted to do.
I said we're not going home to have a bunch of S? Thats kind of what I took from that convo, did I not read that right? (I use humour after serious talks, I know it may sound strange on paper but you'd have to understand our R) She found it very funny.
So we pick up D7 and S5 and head home.
(I hope this ins't too much info or too detailed, and its kind of embarrassing, but it may help understanding the dynamic.)
W get into the bath. When she gets out she lays on our bed and kids get into the tub.
I take a peak under her towel and she laughs. I start to touch her and she lets me. She giggles, puts the towel back over her and says "one step at a time mister".
I said I had an idea. We should have crazy S everyday for the next 30 days...that will fix everything. Like a scientific experiment. (She's laughing a lot by this point)
The kids are in our (master bedroom) bath, so I go shut the door. She smiles. I said all I can think about is ripping that towel off you right now so go change or I can't be held accountable for my actions.
She got up, dropped the towel and walked around to the other side of the bed, and "waited" for me. We had S, then she laid in my arms for a couple minutes.
We got up this morning, I held her in my arms and had a couple playful touches. All smiles.
Look forward to your feedback friends....
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
