The risk is that I don't give her enough time and space to work on her own issues, accept her back too soon, and end up in the same place down the road. We quickly fall back into each other and then it's easy to overlook some of the problems.
How to mitigate? Now that really is the question isn't it? I guess first, I have to keep some distance between us for a while. I'm still am a long way from trusting her and I think that we have to start rebuilding that with some space. She says she wants to work on it, but I don't really get the "feeling" that she's ready to dig in and do the work, if that makes any sense. Maybe it's because I understand how much work it is and I don't think she does....I dunno.
She probably wants to "work on it" because of your new girly interest. If you are not feeling it from W there is a reason.
H wants me to get out and date, but when I did, he wasn't happy. Apparently it's okay for him to do so, but he hasn't dealt with all the repercussions within himself of me doing so.
Your W is probably a bit panicky right now, because she thought you would be there forever and it was a dash of cold water to maybe realize that wasn't going to be.
Your falling back in reminds me of the line in the Clarity song. "You"ll pull and I"ll push too deep and I'll fall back into you..."
W seems to notice when I get "triggered" and she gives me a lot of space. That in itself is really amazing to me, because when the shoe was on the other foot, I really struggled with it. Maybe that IC is really helping her
Been a couple weeks and some significant changes, so time for an update.
With regards to what bug was saying about seeing XW without expectation....difficult. I realized that while I was saying I could do it, I still held the expectation that she would respect my wishes and not pursue me while she was in contact with OM. That turned out to be false....they are still talking daily.
So when I back away a bit, the pattern seems pretty clear. I don't believe W was really ready to reconcile. I'm not even sure she wants to honestly. Rather, I think she was trying to get it back to the way it was, or at least, as close to that as possible. She has become addicted to cake!
And for me, I realize that the continued contact, the friendliness, the sex, it was all preventing me from moving forward. I became mired on the sideline...not able to let her go, and not able to live my life. I sit and hope that she changes, but in reality, I enable her to have a similar existence by doing what she'd gotten so good at doing...hiding the truth, lying, and manipulating.
So with that, I think I am really ready to let go. In the back of my mind I still have some hope that she'll figure things out, but I'm no longer convinced that will bring us back together. And while I miss her, I don't miss the stress and hardship she brings into the relationship. It's simply unhealthy. For the last few weeks I've been dark (except for kids/finances), and I'm a lot more comfortable.
My lady friend and I have kept our distance, but I did start seeing someone else this week (I'll steal Ruby's acronym here and call her SE2). She is very balanced and we click on a lot of levels. She knows I'm not ready for anything serious, and wants us to build a friendship first, so we're in sync on that as well. She seems like a pretty awesome lady, so we'll take it slow and see where it goes.
At church this morning, it was a the start of a new series and the gist of the discussion was about bullying. The pastor made a number of points, but one that stuck with me was his second:
Quote:
You are not a doormat for abuse.
Of course, initially, I'm thinking this whole sermon is about my kids and the challenges they will face with this issue thru school, but the pastor made this point specifically about adults, and the relationships we maintain.
As I started to reflect on my relationship with my XW, I saw how this tied into my thoughts about self respect. I realize that I had become a doormat, and that my XW was, at least in this context, an emotional bully.
This whole idea seems to apply to a lot of us here, and it made me think about the book "Love Must Be Tough."
SE2 also made a comment to me this morning that got me thinking. She said it in jest, but she made the point about me getting along with overbearing women. One of the things that really started to annoy me over the last year was how much my XW bossed me....so I'm going to dig into that a little bit and see what's there.
I am interested to hear your results on that digging. Your dynamic with W is very much our dynamic as well. I am bossy (was, well, working on it), and H just let his feelings be subordinated.
