Circles no more

[shouldistillhope]

Stander,

First off, let me thank you for always taking the time to stop over and set me straight. I have a good set of friends, but have only talked to very few of them about what some of the causes and problems were that led up to this. The reason is, that their first reaction always seems to be "screw her, your better off without her." I just don't feel that way right now, but as time goes by things will begin to get much clearer i suppose.

I am now to the point where my heart is telling me one thing and my brain is telling me the exact opposite. I find myself waffling almost daily. When you tell everyone that it could take months, maybe years for the fog to lift, that is when my brain kicks and tells me that it's not worth waiting years to find out if we can have a second chance. I think i am addicted to the memories of the good times we had. It's too bad that the WAW only remembers the bad.

I was there when XW's dad got married in Vegas, i walked his W down the aisle (his 4th marriage) only to find out that after a few years they also got divorced. They were divorced approximately 6 months to a year and they got back together and remarried again in Vegas while XW and i were there for my 40th birthday. It just doesn't seem like people want to put any effort into working things out anymore until it's beyond too late.

During BD, my XW mentioned this. She talked about down the line if we started getting along better we could always get remarried because it worked for her Dad and his W. Unfortunately, all she has seen growing up was when things aren't going good in a M, it's time to get a divorce.

I want her to realize the consequences of her decisions and we talked on the phone two nights ago about how unhappy she is still living in our house. She wants it sold so she can move to the city because she says she is bored. We talked about moving to the city where we worked when we were M, but she didn't want to leave the small town, and i eventually gave in and so we bought a house in that same small town that she so desperately wants to leave now. It may be wrong of me to think this way, but right now i don't want our house to sell. I want her to have to live there by herself and deal with her decisions. I may seem like an ass for thinking this, but these are some of the feelings i am dealing with.

She already has her new place picked out and it will be ready for her Oct. 1st. She has her plans in place and if our house sells by then, things will just fall in line for her and things will seem so rosy for her then. I hope it doesn't make me sound like a bad person, but i don't want her to always look for the easy way out of everything. She also should have to face her problems like everyone else. I know it sounds a bit petty of me to feel this way, but for right now, these are my feelings.

Stander, i hope to get to a point in my life that you seem to be at right now. I respect how you deal with things in your life and for the immediate future i still hold out hope that maybe down the road we can be a family again. But as each day passes, i almost feel that hope slipping away bit by bit.

Maybe thats a good thing?