Guess I belong here now...

[sweetbabyred]

RosaLinda, I feel bad that you read all my long rambles over the past year.

I guess I wasn't clear on the shooting incident. OW used her bf's gun to shoot a male friend (unhappily married, fooling around with their mutual female friend) who was playing around with that other friend.

She was drunk and got jealous that she wasn't the center of attention, so she aimed the gun to stop them. Sadly, she'd done the same thing a few days before, but they were all stupid enough to keep hanging out together and drinking.

Bf is crazy enough to still be with her. Guess she'll stick around til all his money is gone too. Think it's funny that she's on the 2nd "love of her life" in 2013 alone. I'm 13 years older than her and I'm not sure I've had that many my whole life!

Xh knows that he's messed up because of all the crap she did to him, but still doesn't seem to understand that if he wasn't already messed up he never would have considered dating her.

It makes me so sad that they cannot or will not see that the person who loves them the best and who would make them the happiest is the same person they have kicked to the gutter.

Yes, for some reason he can't get over anything bad that I've ever done, but can forgive all the crazy ow's.

When his real friends, fake friends, and ow's would walk away from him, he'd always ask why I was still there for him and still cared. Hmm, because I was the only one in the first place that took a vow to be with him forever? No friend ever signs a lifelong contract.

Xh's mom is worried about him. She says he tries to sound happy, but she knows that he's really sad. I feel bad that she lives 6 hours away and just worries about him. She told me that she felt so much better when I was with him because she knew I'd watch out for him.

I think, cannot be sure, but I think that even if we D, I will not be completely done until he remarries. That would sure be the end for me.

You know, I'd say the same thing, but I also thought I'd be done when xh went public with ow3 and then when we were D'd. I finally realized I can't predict how I'll feel until it happens.

I looked up articles the other day of exes who remarried each other. A few of them had other spouses in between, so you never know...

[brobafet]

It makes me so sad that they cannot or will not see that the person who loves them the best and who would make them the happiest is the same person they have kicked to the gutter.

I know how you feel. The worst feeling is knowing that I did as much as I could and she still cheated on me, multiple times. I loved her, and I cherished her even when she treated me this way. I know not everything was perfect but I don't think anyone ever deserves to be cheated on.

I'm glad that I am taking the steps to better myself. Who knows maybe this was all just practice. We can find that other person who will love us just as much as we love them. Keep your head up Sweet. Praying for you!

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks for the prayers Brobafet! I definitely appreciate them.

So, the last 24 hours or so have been interesting.

Around 2am I received a text from xh. It said that his a/c was out he couldn't sleep (it's 100+ during the day and slightly cooler at night), he was sad that his best friend may not be moving back to Texas so he might move somewhere too and that he hoped my life was going better.

As I was staring at it, trying to decide what to say, if anything he responded with, "and no, I'm not drunk". I was wondering.

Last summer when my a/c went out, he invited me to stay at the house, so I felt it was only fair to return the favor. I said that I would invite him over, but his girlfriends probably wouldn't like that. And that if he decided it was best to move, that was his decision.

He immediately responded that he didn't have a gf, but he didn't want to intrude. I said I wouldn't have offered if he wasn't welcome.

So he came over (after I quickly ran around and picked up any stray clutter) and we had a fairly decent convo before going to sleep.

In the morning we kept talking and it went pretty well. I made coffee and he showed me floor plans for an apt he's thinking of moving into.

I joked that his leasing co should just let me move into his place when he moved out and save the cleaning fees, etc. I've been debating moving and if I do, it would be to that area since my church and all of my friends live over there.

And I love his apt, very bright, etc. And while he has bad memories of choosing it because OW wanted him to, I am not bothered by that. He actually thought that might be a great idea.

He had to drive out of town tonight and I agreed to take him to get his rental car. He said he'd buy me dinner and took me to my favorite restaurant.

When I did go over to his place to pick him up, he stated that he'd talked to the complex and if he added me as a roommate, I would be able to then sign a new lease. I'm not sure if I can afford that rent, or if it'll work, but I was very surprised that he asked and said he wouldn't mind living a block away from me.

On the drive to the airport, he told me more about the one woman he's somewhat dating (she lives in Fl, so he doesn't want to move too fast, although she seems willing to move here, even though she has two kids). He's dropped the others and seems more willing to actually share his feelings with others. That's a 180 for him.

He did say he didn't want to rush into things, because who knows what could happen, that "maybe we'd get back together". I kind of snorted at that, because I honestly couldn't believe he said it.

He kind of looked at me, and said, well, maybe you're not in the same place as me. I would so work on things, but I can't let him think I'm eager.

I'm kind of nervous about that sitch, but he is only looking at 1 bedrooms, so he doesn't seem to be thinking about getting her and her family to move.

We may never get back together, so I don't want to get my hopes up, but we actually had a pleasant day together. We were able to joke around and have a good time. He almost seemed like his old self.

I did a good job of having a PMA and trying to validate him when I could.

Last night at church the message was about God making us change. The point was that it takes a wakeup call for us to know something is wrong and that desperation is necessary for us to do something about it.

It struck a chord with me, because I know I need to work on my communication and relationship skills, but unless this had happened, I probably wouldn't have made the effort. But when everything falls apart, you get to/have to start over.

[MileHigh]

Sounds very interesting indeed. Thats a lot to handle. Good job on the PMA.

It's sad that we have to wait so long to get that wake up call, but it seems to be our nature.

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks DMR for commenting. Yes, it was a lot of info at once, but I think I did okay.

I guess it helps that we're actually divorced now, so although I'm still jealous of anyone he's involved with, I know that he's free to do so, as am I.

I knew xh conducted a training today, so when I got out of work I texted him, saying I hoped it went well and wishing him a good day. He replied, saying it went ok and wishing me the same.

I said thanks, but thought about it and after 30 min or so told him that I was sure his training was great, but that he was always tough on himself.

We discussed that for a bit, me giving him WOA (his ll) about how good he is as a trainer. I used to sit in on his trainings, so I know what he can do.

The convo ended, but 20 min or so later, he thanked me. I told him he didn't need to because I was only telling him the truth. But he could remember it the next time I told him something he didn't like! He agreed, asking me to do the same.

If I'm going to be in a relationship in the future, with xh or not, I need to figure out how to speak someone's love language, so I might as well practice.

Yesterday was just weird, because it was like seeing the old h that I fell in love with, not the angry, depressed guy I've seen for the last two years.

[RosaLinda]

Brobafet "I know how you feel. The worst feeling is knowing that I did as much as I could and she still cheated on me, multiple times. I loved her, and I cherished her even when she treated me this way. I know not everything was perfect but I don't think anyone ever deserves to be cheated on.

I'm glad that I am taking the steps to better myself. Who knows maybe this was all just practice. We can find that other person who will love us just as much as we love them. Keep your head up Sweet. Praying for you!"

Hi Brobafet, nice to meet you. I looked over some of your threads, sorry you're going thru such a hard time with the D and being away from your kids so much. 

I read that your W has been cheating for well over 2 years, with a short reconciliation. Sorry, I know how much that hurts. But 2 years can be a drop in the bucket in MLC land. If your W is having a MLC, she still may escape out of that tunnel even if you do D. Don't give up - look how much stronger you are now. And as my old MC used to say, even if you don't reconcile, you'll be a great catch for your next relationship!

SweetRed "He did say he didn't want to rush into things, because who knows what could happen, that "maybe we'd get back together". I kind of snorted at that, because I honestly couldn't believe he said it. 

He kind of looked at me, and said, well, maybe you're not in the same place as me. I would so work on things, but I can't let him think I'm eager. 

I'm kind of nervous about that sitch, but he is only looking at 1 bedrooms, so he doesn't seem to be thinking about getting her and her family to move. 

We may never get back together, so I don't want to get my hopes up, but we actually had a pleasant day together. We were able to joke around and have a good time. He almost seemed like his old self. "

This is great news, SweetRed! You did great, except maybe that snort But I would have snorted too, followed by that leaping happy heart thing! H looking at ONE bedroom apartments when the OW (who wants to move in) has 2 kids sounds like a positive sign that THEIR R is going no where! Him saying "maybe you're not in the same place as me" was great too!  What did you say? Will you bring that up again somehow? 

SweetRed "Last night at church the message was about God making us change. The point was that it takes a wakeup call for us to know something is wrong and that desperation is necessary for us to do something about it."

That sounds like a great message. About 2 weeks after BD#1, I was sitting in the living room listening to my H play the piano and sort of telling God how bad and wrong H was acting, and asking God to change H and make him love me again. I swear I heard a voice clearly say out loud "Linda you cannot change someone else, you can only change yourself" and I was instantly filled with the most overwhelming love for my H. I guess I should not have told him because he thought I was crazy, or fell in love with him only because I was losing him. 

But it was true and I still feel that love almost 4 years later. i've always hoped to hear that voice again too, but never have. 

[brobafet]

Sweet,

Stick to church, and keep that PMA! I'm praying that your H can come to his senses and ask for forgiveness. Please do not make the mistake that I did and cheapen your forgiveness. I didn't hold my W accountable for the pain she put me through and she never showed remorse for it. Be strong, know that God is there walking with you and nothing is too small or to big for him.

[sweetbabyred]

Okay, I'm ready for some 2x4's. I think I need to get knocked upside the head to knock some sense into me.

Linda, I saw your message last night right after I'd done a lot of stupid stuff. Hopefully nothing I can't eventually recover from.

I know that if we ever get back together it's going to take a long time. I know that. Especially because he actually went through with the D.

But I guess I'd just read several sitches on here recently about h's coming back and saying they wanted to work on things, seemingly out of nowhere.

So, xh had been out of town and had mentioned that he might need/want me to pick him up after he dropped off his rental car. Yesterday morning, he texted to see if I could get him.

I was at work, but we made plans for him to drop it off at 8 and he'd take me to dinner at the bar/grill we used to go to all the time by our old house/my apt.

We were texting casually about some stuff on and off throughout the day. Around 6pm, I get a call, telling me that he's got a ride, so I don't need to get him.

He says that he wished I were getting him instead, but he still wanted to go to the grill together sometime. I couldn't help it and kind of laughed.

He asked why I was laughing and I said it was funny that I was being ditched again. He says that he thought he was saving me from an errand. He said it wasn't a gf who was picking him up, but admitted that she did want to be.

I told him that we'd made plans for me to get him and I'd planned my day around it, so it wasn't an inconvenience. So he asked what I wanted him to do, if I wanted him to call and tell her not to go, even though she was supposedly on her way already.

I just said, "we made plans, so you know what I want" but knew he would never do it. (In the past he's ditched me before, not thinking we had "real" plans when something else came up, so I'm somewhat used to this).

And I thought it was extremely passive aggressive to tell me he'd rather me do it, but somehow this other woman talked herself into it. How hard is it to say thanks, but I've already got someone picking me up?

He said, hang on, let me call her and several minutes later he called back to figure out when we were meeting, as it was earlier than it was supposed to be.

I picked him up, we went to the bar, had a good conversation, nothing relationshipy,he received quite a few texts, but didn't answer any of them. He did say that he went out with a girl Sunday night when he got to Houston, so that explained why he said he was tired at his training on Mon.

Then I took him home, we talked for a bit and I drove home. I guess the two beers got to me more than I thought because I started texting him, saying that it was difficult to spend time with him because he was acting like the guy I fell in love with and that I get jealous knowing about all the other women he's hanging out with, even though I know I have no reason to be since we're not married.

He did say he's not sure why he's doing that, because that's not like him. That he'll be jealous when he sees me start dating someone.

I feel so stupid, because I shouldn't have brought any of that up. I did text him when I left work today, apologizing for texting him last night, thanking him for being respectful and not texting the other girls when I was with him, and saying that I clearly have a low alcohol tolerance, and hope that I can figure out how to be friends without being jealous.

Ok, this is way too long, so I'll respond to your comments in the next post.

[sweetbabyred]

Brobafet, saw your comment on Linda's page. You and anyone else are welcome to hijack my page! I never know what I'm going to learn from someone else, so feel free to discuss whatever.

I'm definitely sticking to church. It keeps me sane for a few hours per week. That was another thing xh mentioned-that he was annoyed that I became a Christian after we broke up, although he never went to church once when we were together, except when we visited his family and we both went.

And now I try to go twice per week, joined one of the groups, and read/watch anything I can for inspiration. I was always more of a Buddhist, but had a change of heart over the last year or so.

Brobafet, I'm sorry that you have to deal with your w cheating on your for two years. My xh didn't do anything until he decided to "separate". So I still think it was cheating because we weren't divorced, but he doesn't think that way. agree to disagree i guess.

I have forgiven him and have told him so. We did the best we could at the time and I know I've learned a lot more about how to make a relationship work. he'll need to work on that too if he ever wants any of his to work out.

Linda, he's sort of mentioned us getting back together over the last two years, but always prefaced with a "I don't want to give you hope, but" and this was the first time he didn't do that.

I'm trying not to worry too much about fl ow. She'd have to get permission from the court to leave the state, so that would take some time. And xh is hanging out with women in every city he goes to. He's told me that he's going to stick up for himself more, and seems to be doing so, from what I can tell.

I'd been dating xh for 10 months before I finally moved to Texas to be with him, so I'd hope this lady, since she has kids, would also take the time to make sure it's a sure thing before she'd try to move.

Also, she's telling him he needs to fight for custody of his son, who is scheduled to go back to ny at the end of the year. She doesn't know the whole sitch like i do, and has no idea that things are good between him and his son's mom, and he doesn't want to rock the boat. So that might bother him too.

Linda, I really wish I could hear a voice giving me advice. I've prayed for that, but still have yet to hear what I'm supposed to do.

So for now, I'm going to keep working on myself, and try to be patient and see what happens. I'm not so good at that, but I'm going to do my best.

[sweetbabyred]

I think one of my problems is that I keep looking for some sort of big sign about what I'm supposed to do/think. While that would be nice, I may never get that.

Instead, I need to enjoy and appreciate any good experiences I have with xh.

Even if xh does ever decide he wants us to try again, I really don't think he's the type of person to come out and say it. I think it would be more of him trying it to see how it goes, but being afraid to say something and put pressure on it.

And we've only been divorced for two months, so there's no way that he'd be ready to think that he was wrong for going through with it.

He has to see what else is out there and hopefully learn how to be on his own.

We're not married, so I'm just as free to go out and see what's out there too. So there really is no need for me to be jealous of all the women who get to see xh.

And I have the advantage of him knowing that I wanted to spend time with him when he was broke, somewhat out of shape, and was driving a company minivan.

These women might be interested in his new workout body or his sports car or what they think he can do for them. He'll always wonder if they actually like him for who he really is.

If I do spend time with xh, I need to just take it for what it is and not hope for more. If it's meant to be, it'll happen, but not on my time table.

The past few days were difficult because xh was acting so much more like the guy I fell in love with years ago. He does seem to be sticking up for himself more and not texting when he's with me, two things I've asked for.

So maybe he is working on himself. Even if we don't get back together, I'd hate for him to keep going from one dysfunctional relationship to another. I'd rather we both learn what we need to so that we have better luck in our future r's.

And I need to keep all of this in mind the next time I start to get upset and wonder where all of this is going. This isn't my plan and I'm not in charge. I can only control myself and what I learn from this sitch.

Thank you so much to everyone who takes the time to read my posts and give me feedback. You have no idea how much it means to me.