My mother is dying. XW wants to be my friend.

[missmyfriend]

Tad, I am sorry you are going through this. From the brief excerpts (I hope I didn't miss much) that I resd, you didn't want this and she turned your life upside down and continues to cause you emotional discomfort.

The only thing I can imagine is that she has trouble letting you go. No matter how much our WAS complains, they typically have spent a great deal of their life with the person they walked away from. And not all the memories are bad, even though most will act as if they were living with the devil himself.

I have read more accounts of marriages falling apart and how the person that walked away ends up regretting their decision. It may happen immediately or many years down the road but almost all eventually feel they may have made a poor decision.

I would say she has trouble letting you go.

[AJM]

She has contacted me more since she has been married than she did before.

I find myself slipping again and starting to believe all of her lies and spew.

The question is:

If she is going to continue to do this, how do I handle these calls?

Does that surprise you? As she is putting herself back together, I would think it would be easier to "fix" somebody else than to look at one's own issues and deal with them. Mine did the same, Tad. Almost exactly the same. I handle it by being nice, cordial and telling her I have no reason to talk to her. I sometimes just tell her "talking to her isn't going to work for me" or whatever hair-brained idea she comes up with, "just won't work for me". I keep it brief, I don't accuse, I don't accept accusations, and I don't let the conversation continue. Period.

I sometimes get the feeling that she really does want to be my friend. The problem now is: I'm not sure what I want.

I think you do know what you want, Tad. I think you want the mess to stop. I think you want her to leave you alone. I think you want an apology for how she wronged you. Am I right? I don't get the sense you want to be friends with somebody who treats you like that, but you would prefer she stop treating you like this. Am I still right?

XW - She has been married for about 6 weeks. She has contacted me more since she has been married than she did before. WTF? She also can't seem to keep her nose out of my family's business. I've also realized lately what a mess she really is. She has said numerous times that she is not the bad guy here. Everytime we do talk, I have to hear that she KNOWS she made the right choice and she has to give me a reason why she did what she did. The funny thing is, it is almost a different reason every time. Hell, when she first left, it was because I never took her to the right grocery store. Then, it became because she was unhappy for 5, 10, 12 or 15 years depending on her mood. Now, it is because I supposedly cheated on her.

Are you sure we didn't marry the same woman? I swear we did Food for thought - when was the last time you heard a happy person tell you how happy they are? Or somebody who is sure of their decisions go out of their way to tell you how they made the right decision? Something to consider...

I was accused of the same Tad. Many times. Why? Haven't a f'n clue. But if I had to guess, it's because it helps her feel better about herself. It allows her to feel like she can be happy without the guilt of what she's done. I suspect that is all sooooo buried that it's not a conscious thought. i.e. not malicious per se. But the more I refuse to talk to her or play her games, the quieter she gets. It was getting ridiculous until I told her and her husband to stop harassing me. I followed the rules above. I didn't even read her response, Tad. I just am not interested.

If you can't step back and look at the situation and realize now, that it was never about you, then it's going to be a tough road. Are you going to get angry still? Of course. But then you'll have to look at what you're angry at - and it's hard to be angry at anything other than the situation or annoyed at her trying to be part of your life still. It's more annoyance than anger, right? The anger is...different.

The feelings? Seems natural to me. I have the same. Sometimes I want to date, and sometimes I really just don't care to. You're not alone in those feelings. I completely relate.

In the end, I flat out refuse to let anyone take away my happiness. I refuse to let anyone be that source to the extent it shakes me if something happens to them or it doesn't work out. Not that I wouldn't be sad (that's happened a few times already although I left them), but I'll be fine. Make sense?

I'm not sorry my ex is gone Tad. I've been frustrated that she won't stay gone at times, but even that is getting to the point I don't really care any longer. A little perhaps. But it all takes time to work through the emotions and come to terms with the reality. That is more difficult when the ex won't leave you alone. And there's no reason you can't make her leave you alone i.e. stop taking her calls. Don't fall for the voiemails. Don't fall for the drama more than once

I've actually thought that she has been trying to convince herself of a lot of things since this whole mess started. If you tell yourself something enough don't you start to believe it? Then maybe she really does believe that I was so terrible.

If she believed it Tad, she wouldn't have a need to tell you about it. Believe me, that's not how somebody who follows their beliefs talks or acts. She's done enough damage at this point, that she needs to find a reason to help her believe it. Accusing you seems to be it for now. i.e. "if he cheated, then I'm justified. What? No I never said I never loved him. I never said it was because he didn't take me to my favorite store. That's crazy talk.""

There's always more to discuss, but my fingers are tired. I think you see the idea and more importantly, it's not just you, Tad. It's not. And you also see that to face all the pain takes time. It does not magically go away. You have to work at it and you have to get her to stop interfering. It goes faster that way. Trust me on that.

It gets better if you make it get better, Tad. Takes time and effort, but it gets soooooo much better.

Peace,
AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. Everything you say is so right. I know it. I just still have some off days. I still have questions and still wonder why.

Blabbering....

As for contact with the X, I may just never answer a call from her again. Ever. Seems like that is the only thing that is going to do me any good.

I wonder....have any of the other MLCers on this board left, divorced and remarried as quickly as mine did? Seems to me from many that I have read, that the majority hang onto their OP for a while but never marry.

My S18 has turned down his mother's request for a visit three times now.

AJ - where ya been? I've missed you man. Our situations (or atleast our Xs) are so similar. You seem to do a great job of making me see that it really wasn't me. I'm not saying that I was the perfect husband, but sometimes I think about what she did, what we had and what she destroyed and think: "My God. What a fool."

I'm not there yet, but I do have some really good days from time to time. The bad days are getting fewer and this crap does get better with time.

A friend asked me last week what I would do if she asked to come back. I told him that I wasn't sure of an answer I could give her, but it would probably be one of the following:

1. Doubtful.

2. No.

3. Hell no.

Anyways, I just came here to vent or check in....

Tad

P.S. Mom has been in and out of the hospital for the better part of a month. I don't think she has much time.

[AJM]

I wonder....have any of the other MLCers on this board left, divorced and remarried as quickly as mine did? Seems to me from many that I have read, that the majority hang onto their OP for a while but never marry.

I see it the other way around. I see many that have left and married the OP almost immediately. Perhaps I only see it because mine did that (she remarried 9 months after D was final, but planned it long before the separation period was half over). I see many others that do similar. There's a poster posting now who's H is engaged and isn't even divorced yet. He's trying to kick her out of the house and move the OP in. Time is not the relevant thing to a MLCr.

Glad to hear you have mostly good days. I suspect as you figure out how to get her to go away the rest of the way, you'll do even better. And I do see that you're doing much better. I've seen that for a while. I also know that it doesn't just magically go away and "all is well". It wouldn't be real life if that were the case.

I am very sad to hear about your mother's struggles, but I know people are strong and will surprise you. I hope she turns it around and is around for much much longer, Tad.

Peace,
AJ

[Starlingesque]

Tad,

I was wondering that with my husband. I'd never felt more pain, or been through something like this, in my life. Would I take him back? I can't say that I wouldn't, now, be a bit hesitant. For the first time ever, I've limited the communication I'll receive from him. Simply because it never seems to end well for me, emotionally. Sometimes we need to protect ourselves and our hearts. xox

[job]

Tad,
There are many who jump out of one relationship and into another as soon as the ink is dried on the divorce decree. Mine was one of them. It honestly doesn't matter how long the relationship carried on before they marry. It's how they go about destroying everything in their path to get to that point. I agree w/AJ, i.e., time is not relevant thing to a MLCer. All they are focused on is relief, fun and that illusive happiness.
You are divorced, i.e., your xw is now remarried and she will continue to try to contact you until you put a stop to it. The question is...what do you want? Peace of mind or to continue traveling down into the rabbit hole? Tad, the way I see it, she feels that she can contact you now and you will not be looking for any hope/sign of her return.

I'm sorry to hear the news about your mother. It's time to turn your focus back to what is important right now...your mother. You need to spending as much time w/her as you can. Call her every day and treasure that time, take some photos, do some recordings, etc. Those memories will help you when the time comes and she crosses over.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Snodderly and AJ.

I'm having a bad day.

You are divorced, i.e., your xw is now remarried and she will continue to try to contact you until you put a stop to it.

But will someone tell me WHY?

Something else that I found out today that really p!sses me off.

She has been contacting members of my family that she had nothing to do with while we were married.

What is her DEAL????

%&#$%^#@@$^*^!

I just don't get this crazy sh!t. My son told me today that she is into fantasy football. I always had Hell to pay if I even wanted to watch a damn game.

She is a mess.

Me? I'm just tired.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
The only reason that I can come up w/is that she feels very safe now in contacting you and your family members because she has remarried and there are now no expectations for you to think about. Some of them do settle down after a divorce and remarriage and want to be friends. They really don't realize the destruction that they have left behind. Their empathy chip is broken and they can't understand how much pain they have created for us.

Tad, the best thing you can do is tune out whatever you are hearing the best you can. Your sons need to step bringing home the information. They need to be told that it's not helping you recover form this ordeal. It's time they leave that information at the door when they come home. I certainly hope that they are not telling her what you are doing as it is none of her business any longer.

Tad, please, please, keep the focus on you and your family...but most importantly your mother.

[AJM]

I agree with Snodderly. The 'why' will drive you nuts. She is NOT the same person and you can see that. She is also trying to heal in HER own way. One that seems to hurt you, but it's possible she has blocked so much that she doesn't understand (at a conscious level) why you are hurt and not happy for her. Kind of like she had an emotional stroke or something.

You can spend your time trying to figure out why she does what she does, when likely she doesn't even know. Or better yet, you can shake your head when it happens and let it go as just something she does. You can work at getting her to go away from your life (she will try to connect with everyone else possibly.)

She's just toxic to you Tad. There's no reason why that a normal person would understand. She may not even understand it. She doesn't seem to. She protects herself by telling herself that you're hurting her. That you cheated on her. That you're a monster. And so on. How can you argue with somebody like that, Tad?

You can't. They will just make up something else to protect themselves from you (read that as whatever it is that they are protecting themselves from; it's not "you" but you represent whatever it is.) Self-preservation is a very powerful motivator. The mind has these self-defense mechanisms (defence for those over the pond) and they are strange and wonderful at the same time, especially to the outsider.

But you can't change it. She won't likely stop. It's not fair. It's on you to stop her from intruding on your life and healing, Tad. It's you that has to leave her when all is said and done.

How is your mom by the way?

AJ

[Delboy]

Hi Tad, Dig this my wife had moved in with OM Nic late Jan 04. My brother was visiting us in mid Sept 04. I asked him to go into the hotel where wife worked just to have a chat and see for himself how she looked and felt.

Well wifey had left early that day but she got a message from the barman. For about a week she tried to get my Bro's tele #. She finally got the number from my SIL. Wifey rang the number but my Bro wasn't there so his partner talk the call, And Wifey was telling her how wonderful her life was now and that she was very happy etc blah, blah blah!

Believe me, most of these MLcr's are so fecked up!

Love

Delboy