You really have to ask yourself if you are ready to let go and move away from your marriage. Remember, you are the only one who decides when it's over. Building a relationship with another person is definitely a means to an end, or at least a step in that direction. Are you ready for that? Would it make your life better? Would it help you move on and put your marriage behind you? How will it weigh on you if this relationship ends as well? To be honest, I am tip toeing on the edge of the very same thing. A cute D-Mom has been texting me a lot and we have shared some drinks....I am not sure how healthy and happy that will end up making either of us. A date would be fun. A friend would be great. A romantic relationship, I am not too sure about. Just food for thought, GTO.....
Ok, DBers, I think I get the picture about my new friend, Sven...
Let me recap your advice:
PS/ruby- geography is bad AS- "snuggling" = having sex in his mind jp- me desperate for positive attention (yeah)
newman- enjoy positive attention lost_hope- sounds like a transitional R/rebound R, but positive male attention may help me move forward
Thumpered- he's playing on my vulnerability & any R would be temporary & leave me with guilt (but he did NOT cheat on his W...it was the other way around, according to him--we talked about issues in our marriages some)
Thanks, everyone! There seems to definitely be a common theme here...proceed with caution. I hear your advice loud and clear.
Not sure how to proceed forward though. Still want to have interactions w Sven. It might be a while until he initiates contact again (to see me) as we are both busy this weekend and he may have his son the following weekend (weekdays he's too busy working, so I don't expect to hear from him unless I initiate texting).
In two weeks I start a new job (same building but new position) so I will be very busy when that starts up & my obsessive thinking about Sven will hopefully diminish.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
18th anniv came & went on Monday. I actually made it very well through the day as I am on vaca w boys.
H calls and wants to talk to me. Says he's been thinking about me all day and went to text me 3 or 4 times but didn't really come out right. He wanted me to know he was thinking of me and hopes I was doing okay today. That he knows it was a hard day for me (but actually it wasn't).
He also says he cares for me. Then he proceeded to tell me the 5 things he did around the house while we're gone (so I thanked him genuinely).
His call was sincere and it did make me cry.
But I am no longer confused where H is concerned. It is time for me to move on with my life. And I already am.
Not looking forward to the conflict involved with "D."
He has talked to boys a couple of days and asked to talk to me twice. Each time he seems very down. When I asked him why? he said he was depressed about being alone so much and no family around and nothing to do while we are gone (too bad R w OW is not progressing, huh?!). (I think they are waiting for her D to be final...not sure, really.)
Again, it means me feel better to know that his life isn't as happy as he hoped it would be without me in it...and I feel his R w OW has been in Fantasyland for sooooo long that whenever it does proceed forward (into a PA) it will never live up to whatever expectations he has for it.
Time will tell, but at that point (and now) it is no longer my concern.
Thus, the reason why I think about Sven...it gives me hope for a future relationship (and I'm pretty sure it won't be with him but Sven is symbolic for me).
Again, time will tell. And, I will try to heed all advice!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
"Symbolic" is good - Because whoever you decide to begin the relationship journey with will be his level or better.
You are 100% correct that Princess Pretend wont work out. She is the equivalent of a teenage long distance relationship right now- all fantasy and no baggage. The buildup and anticipation alone guarantees a letdown.
Question- Do you feel yourself looking for someone now more to offset the pain your anticipating? To give you addition strength for what you are envisioning the D proceedings to be like?
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
That he knows it was a hard day for me (but actually it wasn't).
I hope you told him that, because he needs to know you're not sitting around the house all day moping and weeping that he's not there. A good response would have been something like "Actually I didn't even really think about it that much, I had a lot to do today and it was a great day!" Show off your GAL!
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He has talked to boys a couple of days and asked to talk to me twice. Each time he seems very down. When I asked him why? he said he was depressed about being alone so much and no family around and nothing to do while we are gone (too bad R w OW is not progressing, huh?!). (I think they are waiting for her D to be final...not sure, really.)
It sounds to me like he's fishing around to do a temp check on you. To see if he still has you on the hook. Again, flaunt your GAL, make it clear to him that you are continuing your life whether with or without him.
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Again, it means me feel better to know that his life isn't as happy as he hoped it would be without me in it...
It rarely is, that's what helps the WAS to come out of the fog. Reality never aligns with the fantasy they had pictured in their head before ripping our lives apart.
AS, you always have such a good handle on the reality of things!
GTO, I am not sure what to say, because I am in pretty much the exact same spot as you are. It's funny how lineal our sitches have progressed. Well then again, maybe it's not funny :-/
Like you, I am really excited about the possibility of someone being interested in me. Last night, a friend of a friend sent me a text.....perhaps a "setup"? It almost feels like I have opportunities for dates coming out of my ears, all of a sudden! That does a major boost to ones ego and self esteem! regardless of how I proceed, because I really don't know if I am ready to accept any romantic relationship at this time, it is very uplifting to communicate and interact with someone of the opposite sex. Just be careful with yourself, GTO. I worry about us both.
PS- I get what you are saying about looking for someone to "ease my D pain" but Sven came into my life at the beginning of the summer before "D" was even mentioned. Would a R distract me from perseverating over the details of my D- yeah, it would?
AS- I did tell H on anniv date that I was actually having a good day and until he called I was doing great. I actually think some of his depression is due to the fact that I am moving on w/o him...GALing my tushy off! And, Sven's name popping up on my cell while H looked over my shoulder was a good reality check for him, I think!
SP- very interesting we are at similar places! It is exciting to think about getting positive attention from someone of the opposite sex! And, I'm right there with you about the "worry factor" b/c I tend to fall hard and fast into relationships (at least in the past I did).
Tomorrow is my birthday...celebrating on vaca with my boys! Going for a bike ride in morning (I can't get enough now), then boating and soaking in the sun all day. Campfire night w family and friends. Can't think of a better birthday than that!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
BTW- I think I may be interested in the "dating world" sooner than I thought, as this whole thing with Sven makes me want a "real" R and not just a late-night every-once-in-a-while face-to-face get together.
My Fantasyland birthday-- To get a real kiss from someone who cares about me (maybe next year)? ..and not my kids! LOL!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I am ready to have someone in my life at this point, I think. SSE#2 seems nice. We have chatted and are just beginning to know a bit more, but we will see.
Glad anniversary went well for you, and H sounds like he is beginning to think "What have I done?"
Sometimes I think H thinks that, but has gone this far into his leaving act, with dating and all, that he thinks he can't come back. Oh well...Isn't that interesting??!!
- Because whoever you decide to begin the relationship journey with will be his level or better.