Well.. New Friend cancelled last week but rescheduled for this weekend. She warned me that she was coming down with a cold though..so we will see what actually comes of it.
It's hard to not feel like she is blowing me off. I consider myself a smart woman but I was very much in a marriage where I turned a blind eye. I don't want to be "dumb" again.
But I've got to control myself to not go to the completely other end of the spectrum. She is in the middle of writing 3 HUGE papers.. I've learned that when this happens.. she falls off the grid.
Not that I agree. I don't think it's hard to send a txt letting folks know.. but at the same time, it's not her place to heal my insecurities.. It's mine. I remember getting super needy during my marriage when my X got super busy with her work, or even when she started program. It's time I implement the lesson I have learned.
The only option I have now is to express my insecurities. Not in a fixing kind of way, but in an honest way of where I am. When she asked how my month was, I told it was going rough. I didn't tell her that it was because of her.. and because of my new relationship with my X, but more the root of it.
Because it seems like I'm having similar feelings with both of them.
Which is that I'm struggling to find my line. Typical of a co-dependent, but I felt like up until recently.. I had it.
Caregiving vs. Caretaking. Accepting a person for where they are at vs. setting boundaries. It just has me feeling uncomfortably vulnerable recently.
And I've been trained that when I'm vulnerable, I back away. I create reasons for things, instead of addressing the issue and expressing my feelings. Because it doesn't feel "safe" to do so.
I've been working through this for a couple of years, but it's still very uncomfortable for me. Usually what I want to say - doesn't come out right. My friends and family have been extremely patient and loving with me through this process.
I guess I just question that both new friend and x will do the same. With my X - that makes sense as to why. With this new girl - I'm not really sure. Maybe it's because our LLs are so different. Maybe it's because she is not in crisis.
Gotta figure it out though.
Oh how I love personal growth...
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
