Today is my X's 33rd Birthday. I will probably send her a text later wishing her well. Then it's back to her initiating contact.
Overall, July was a very good month. It's a strange feeling having my anniversary, her sobriety birthday, our engagement day, and her birthday pass with very little aching in my heart. It's not quite "just another day" but I now look on those days with appreciation.
I'm hanging out with my new friend on Sunday.. or so I think. As I have said many times, our conversations together are great.. but our texting has gone down dramatically.. and she keeps forgetting our dates.
I had a good conversation with my best friend about new friend and I think it's time I distance myself from her as well. She is not doing anything wrong, but the more I spend time with her.. the more I want to spend time with her. Although she says the same thing, she does very little to make that happen.
So I feel like I need distance so I don't keep investing in something not going anywhere.
And this time around I don't want to settle. Maybe it's seeing my X make an effort that reminds me that I am worth making an effort for. That the people in my life should celebrate me, not tolerate me. That they should make time to see me if it's important.
The past two years - I have worked very hard at only allowing those kinds of friends in my life... I'm not sure why I was soo willing to change that for a new friend.
I don't think it's 5 months down the drain.. because there are lessons here that I need to learn.
The big one is that LA is a very difficult dating jungle. Folks are always looking to upgrade.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
It sounds like you are continuing to make great progress! Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.
I know what you mean about LA's dating scene. I feel like that mentality extends to relationships in general in LA (not to everyone, but many I've encountered). Either people are looking for ways you can help them out or they're looking to upgrade. I know there are good people here somewhere, though! Those who will demonstrate their worth to you and likewise make effort to demonstrate your worth to them
I'm doing well. I use to hate time and space.. and now I enjoy it so much. I like taking the time to look at myself and not feel the self-imposed pressure to do "something".
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
X txted today. Her gram (Whom I loved and who treated me very well) passed away on Wednesday night. She thought I should know.
I thought about it for a minute on whether to respond. I've been dealing with really deep demons in regards to x..
.. but I put them aside and for the 1st time in over a year and a half.. I picked up the phone and called her. Thankfully I left a message.
I'm not going to lie.. I'm not completely healthy yet so I had a few co-dependent thoughts. I pushed them way down and just prayed that she would be surrounded with the best support - even if that wasn't me. I checked myself that my phone call was not about me - but her. And I kid you not.. I prayed - if I was going to be selfish, please don't let her call me back.
She called me back a couple hrs later and we chatted. About her gram and her mom. About her. She talked a little but then switched it a topic about me.
Our conversations are getting better about each other sharing. I don't usually let it slide when she closes off.. but again.. it wasn't about us or me.
It was not an easy chat for me. I've recently discovered (not confirmed) that she may be dating a woman. For those of who didn't read my sitch - a big reason my x left me was because she thought she uncomfortable with being with a woman.
This has been a very difficult thing to deal with. Lots of triggers there..
.. and I won't say that it has made me selfish.. but man.. there needs to be some soul searching on my end.
Because I don't want to call her - and have selfish thoughts
I had to be careful about what I said. Making sure she had support but not trying to dig for info about her current relationship.
Making sure there was a difference between me listening and offering my condolences vs. wanting/trying to get her to open up to me.
Fighting the negative assumptions about her instead of just being in the moment.
This is not easy stuff. I am so thankful for the growth opportunity.. but I don't know what to do with this new info.
It's definitely shined a big FAT LIGHT on the fact that I am not healed and I must step carefully with X.
With this new info, my pendulum swings now towards letting her go completely.. maybe not forever.. but that I need to heal. I know I have come a long way but I refuse to manipulate this relationship.
And that fact that I have to fight it with her... bothers me. ALOT. It feels like very old Val tendencies... and I want none of that.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
It seems to me that the confusion really stems from the fact that YOU don't REALLY KNOW what you want in respect to your relationship with XW. What do you want to happen? Just a friendship? Or something more.
Man, you gotta lose that word 'manipulation' because it just makes you fear-ridden and causes you to act unnaturally. One it isn't fair to you, two to XW, or thirdly to the two of you. You might want to shift your perception from 'oh my gosh...I gotta avoid manipulation' to 'this is a precious gift of the moment and I will honor it'. See?
XW reached out to you and you can honor her grief by being present with her. Yeah, I can relate that the first phone call presents a host of challenges for both parties. Been there myself. Sometimes people get too hung up on 'how should I say this and that'...it just gets in the way of the process and the flow of the convos.
Please try to lose that fear of 'manipulation' and put the focus squarely on truly appreciating the gifts--small and large---that come your way.
I do keep trying to determine if I want a friendship with X or more than that. But maybe that's looking too far ahead.
The truth is that I just want it to be different than our marriage. Yes we had many laughs, but she put me down alot, she shut me out alot. I became very scared of her. Making the wrong move. Walking on eggshells.
I played the victim because I was too fearful to communicate. I didn't express my wants clearly. I was eager to jump to conclusions and I was trained to assume the worst because assuming the positive just lead to too much heart-ache.
I don't want to do that anymore. I want a healthy relationship with her. Which is part of why I wanted to meet up with her. If she wants to be in my life, it has to be different. That's what I want to happen.. so what does that mean.
It means - not holding me at arms length and pushing me away when she scared.
It means not just checking in but doing life with me from time to time. I don't want spectators of my life, I want participants.
It means us discussing what is uncomfortable between us. Forgiveness is there - but so is the damage.
It means I need to live from this day forward and trust her for who she is now vs. who she was. Protecting my heart but continually realizing when fear and manipulation is there and confronting it head on.
It means work for both of us... and for two years she has said - no work on us.
But I would either like to work on a relationship of some kind or walk away. What I ask of her is something I ask of for all the people in my life who I feel like I have an attachment to in this way.
Because seriously.. my heart can't do anything else. Having relationships with people is what I have cherished the most the last two years. People have seen me at my worst, and still loved me through it. There is something very freeing about not worrying about being good enough or being perfect. There is something freeing about being vulnerable with one another and tackling the challenges in life.
After 10 years of knowing someone.. it's hard to just "catch up". We have deep conversations.. as if we were still in each other's lives to some degree.
Maybe that is what's comfortable for her.. but that's not what's comfortable for me because deep conversations usually come with a level of trust that I just don't have with her. It comes with a level of commitment from one another. An emotional bond is created.
So our conversations freak me out.. because she has stated that she doesn't want that in the past.. and I can't help but become more emotionally attached because of woman I have chosen to become.
It's not that the meeting is confrontational by any means because I don't think she is doing anything wrong.... but I really don't want an emotionally disconnected relationship with her. And if that is what she wants.. then I need to walk away.
Maybe one day I will be able to talk to her and feel nothing.. other than "it was a good chat" but that time is not now. I'm not detached enough for that. I don't know if I ever will be.
And that's why I think my pendulum swings.. because I know I need to do the work with her.. but I know she may not want to do the same.
I know that it's come down to two choices. It always has but the ball has entirely been in her court and she has made the decision.
Now the ball is my court and I have to be strong enough to make mine.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I read about your fears and your feelings and I can just now realize that is exactly what my H felt / feels about me. The difference is he is not even willing to open his heart and mind and being vulnerable around me anymore. I hurt him way too much.
Your love for your W is so pure and amazing. I cannot say she is lucky because she might chose to walk away from it all. But you know I want the best for you and if that includes having your W in your life in some shape or form, I hope it all happens for you.
((((((val)))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Val: Improvement does not happen overnight and often occurs in stages. We plateau for a time before deciding to move forward again if we are striving for continuous improvement. Change is constant and improvement is a goal.
For a time separation was healthy. Each needed to work upon themselves. Paths diverged.
Paths become parallel for a time, b/c we really don’t change that much and the things that attracted us in the first place are still present.
We look to see how things are for a variety of reasons. It is important to do so. In some cases to validate our decisions, in others we still hope and we would regret if we had not.
Having done so we decide upon the next tangent for our path, converge or diverge is our decision. How many degrees the tangent contains is our decision too. Each of us writes our own destiny.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I know that it's come down to two choices. It always has but the ball has entirely been in her court and she has made the decision.
Now the ball is my court and I have to be strong enough to make mine.
It seems like it always comes to that doesn't it? After everything, eventually, in the end, the decision is ours. It really always has been. It just didn't feel like it for such a long time.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Well.. New Friend cancelled last week but rescheduled for this weekend. She warned me that she was coming down with a cold though..so we will see what actually comes of it.
It's hard to not feel like she is blowing me off. I consider myself a smart woman but I was very much in a marriage where I turned a blind eye. I don't want to be "dumb" again.
But I've got to control myself to not go to the completely other end of the spectrum. She is in the middle of writing 3 HUGE papers.. I've learned that when this happens.. she falls off the grid.
Not that I agree. I don't think it's hard to send a txt letting folks know.. but at the same time, it's not her place to heal my insecurities.. It's mine. I remember getting super needy during my marriage when my X got super busy with her work, or even when she started program. It's time I implement the lesson I have learned.
The only option I have now is to express my insecurities. Not in a fixing kind of way, but in an honest way of where I am. When she asked how my month was, I told it was going rough. I didn't tell her that it was because of her.. and because of my new relationship with my X, but more the root of it.
Because it seems like I'm having similar feelings with both of them.
Which is that I'm struggling to find my line. Typical of a co-dependent, but I felt like up until recently.. I had it.
Caregiving vs. Caretaking. Accepting a person for where they are at vs. setting boundaries. It just has me feeling uncomfortably vulnerable recently.
And I've been trained that when I'm vulnerable, I back away. I create reasons for things, instead of addressing the issue and expressing my feelings. Because it doesn't feel "safe" to do so.
I've been working through this for a couple of years, but it's still very uncomfortable for me. Usually what I want to say - doesn't come out right. My friends and family have been extremely patient and loving with me through this process.
I guess I just question that both new friend and x will do the same. With my X - that makes sense as to why. With this new girl - I'm not really sure. Maybe it's because our LLs are so different. Maybe it's because she is not in crisis.
Gotta figure it out though.
Oh how I love personal growth...
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
