I am titanium

[Raine]

Ahoy the shore!

I've been meaning to do an update the last couple of days, but it seems like when I get on the computer, I start doing other things. And then life happens.

It feels like lots of things are changing and lots of things are good, but in retrospect, and looking back through my sitch and others, it just feels like a perpetual cycle. Enough good to keep going. Enough bad to be reminded that this doesn't have much to do with me, I can't control it. It all comes together to play on my patience and keeping me tightly held to my seat to see the final score of the game. Home team is getting slaughtered. Yet, I'm such a huge fan. I still can't leave my seat, even to beat the traffic.

I've had a few people ask me my take on in home mlcer and one who is gone: which is easier? In home is much more difficult for me. And this is coming from the chick who was abandoned, while pregnant, working full time, and three other kids to boot. It was easier then to detach. Write about it all, and then forget about it, because it wasn't there constantly. Now I feel like I'm more pulled in than ever, that he is depending on me, that he is opening up, that my "don't abandon him at his darkest" is going far beyond just don't divorce him. Part of that to has to do with this part of the journey for him for him too. It's easier to be quiet, to ignore. It's more difficult to question everything I'm saying and doing, because he is looking towards me. I’m no longer the enemy. He is still looking forward to the moment in his life where he is stable enough to divorce me, but I’m not the person he loves to hate anymore.

So what’s been going on…
Went for a drive with the kids last week. H’s scheduled night to go be with friends, and he went right there from work. I was gone awhile. This is becoming something I really enjoy doing. Roll the windows down, open the sun roof, and blast the music. It’s something I can do to get away, but still have my little posse with me. I took a wrong turn at one point and ended up in the most amazing place. I got some killer pics of me with the kids. Sometimes taking a left when I’m supposed to take a right can be a very good thing. There is a metaphor in there.

The next day, Saturday, was the start of “H in Funk.” Never really saw him. He didn’t get out of bed. Didn’t eat. Didn’t shower. He likes to have his friends over on Saturday night, and just expected me to plan it out. I ignored it. His friends, his thing, why am I now in charge of it? I took off with the kids and we to a park and let him be his funky self. But then he was super annoyed at me that I didn’t make arrangements for everything. He was in his funk, so how am I supposed to even know he still wanted to do it? He never said anything to me about it, just expected me to take care of everything. People still came over and I just grabbed some pizza and it was all fine.

So next day, he is still funky, and now smelling like it too. Still hasn’t eaten. We’re hitting 48 hours now of him being Gandhi. I tell him I want to go for a drive, planning on just giving him space again. He tells the kids to get ready that we’re going for a drive. I was thinking, oh I mean me, but of course I just went with it. It surprised me.

So about an hour goes by and I’m dealing with kids, and I finally just say to him, hey take a shower and once you’re done we can head out. He does, and we do. Stop to grab some food for the boys, but he doesn’t want anything. We put on his music, which isn’t quite the party playlist I put on, but it’s all good, and head for the canyon. As time goes on, the more he starts talking and being happy. We start making plans for when his parents are here. He seems to be excited about that. I know he wants to impress his dad. We talked about places to take them and at the top of his list is one of the most expensive restaurants in the state.

At one point during the drive, S8 gets upset. Thinks we are teasing him. H has me pull over and he goes back and sits next to him. He tries to get S8 to talk to him, but he won’t. So he just puts his arm around him for 20 mins or so. Finally S8 just starts talking to him about dragons or who know what and he is all good. After a little bit H asked me to pull over again so he could come up front again. H and I were laughing, talking about everything, it was like old times.

I told him earlier that my parents were doing family dinner. He said at one point should we just go there now, it’s too late to go back home. This was first I knew he was even coming. Probably first for him too. It was totally old times at my parents with my siblings. They and H were all laughing back and forth. H and I were back in sync, playing off each other, thinking we are hilarious. His hunger strike was abandoned and the funk was gone. We headed back home and he had friends come over again for a few hours that night too.

Gonna get this posted. I’ll debrief ya’ll on the rest of the week soon. Yes, the funk returns as well as him opening up about some things too.

Oh some other updates:
C appt is all set for H. He did his research but went with the one I recommended. It’s a few weeks out and he wishes he could have got in sooner. Interesting, since he dragged his feet on it as much as he could.

OWs still ignored. He is doing a good job at keeping his word, as far as I can tell.