i ask myself the same thing- HOW DO WE GET ME THERE. i managed NOT to yell, scream or reply with sarcasm or anger.
for yesterday- that's as good as it got. for me- it's HUGE I THINK.
i know- how the hell do i face it squarely - look it in the eye- have it ground into my face and then lick some up and say - whatever!!!!!
OKAY- jusT erased the 50 paragraph reply. i AM Frustrated also by my apparent lack of big progress. i'm going to have to opine here that i am just a slow slow - overthinking - plodder in life.
well, i've ALWAYS known that i have a huge capacity for physical pain and discomfort. and i can hold my temper and feelings for a very very long time in the face of some really aggressive icky persons (family & work) I have a GIANT capacity for self control when dealing with people.
i'm not saying that is necessarily a good thing- perhaps it makes me a very "willing" doormat too - idk on that...
the giant "blowout" usually is something i avoid.
i alwasy thought it was a good thing to have - worked so far in life to my benefit. not so sure now??
that i will (most probably) twirl and suffer and stuff this down my own throat til i am at the point of choking and dying or walking away- and then i will make a final move. mOST PROBABLY.
i just don't want to mistakenly END IT ALL FOREVER for effect ONLY and then regret it. i know only death is final- it doesn't feel like that tho with these very hard- egocentric people who NEVER BACK DOWN- NEVER APOLOGIZE - NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE - never accept responsibility - NEVER NEVER NEVER -
no retreat - no surrender- no prisoners... i'm serious- h and mother both. (HOW in the world i became soooo entangled with both of them- idk- GOD'S LITTLE JOKE??)
I KNOW OUR ONLY POWER is over ourselves - i don't even know if that is the "right way" to handle things. that is my stupid gut directing me. the same jerk (gut) who told me this is a good man- despite anything to the contrary i ever thought or saw in life for past million years. it's alw;ays servedme well in past - i have my doubts now- flying on faith i guess since it's all i have - no kidding.
FOR SOME unfathomable reason- u resist being "rash" and plunging into saying or doing something i'm not 100% sure is what i want - FOREVER. see- i do tend to think in very very BIG TERMS - forever.
i don't think i will allow myself any more hope or faith in h's intrinsic goodness.
I'VE been told alot by H and by my ANGRY-POWER sister - that I have drama angle to my outlook and i see things as very big and very black or white.
i am always surprised becasue i tend to think anything is possible and people are capable of almost anything- good or bad. no kidding- i think the most amazing things could be possible if people want to bother...
on the other hand- i do tend to think i'll do this til i can't stand it or him anymore and then it will be over and i'll never see his face again- the END.
SO MAYBE they're rite- idk- i am confused about me.
i always was soooo sure i knew who i am and what i was doing.
this major upset in my UNIVERSE has me questionging every single thing abut others and myself as well. i never saw and felt so much criticism and ill will before- it is new and very very unhappy thing to feel.
EVEN SAYING THAT- I AM GRATEFUL I HAVEN'T FELT LIKE SUCH A STINKING INSECT IN LIFE BEFORE NOW - THAT'S A PRETTY LUCKY WAY TO GO THRU LIFE SO FAR - 62 YRS OF THINKING I JUST MIGHT BE PRETTY SPECIAL? i do apprceciate that - OH WELL huh??? there we are - asusual-
i guess this is my life's allotment of total $hit and all i can do it suck it up til i bust and then crawl out of it and go on somewhere else...
and i'm damn sick of no darn affection or sex or LOVE in my daily life- if i don't have that- what the heck do i know this guy for?????
you're nice to write and give a darn- wierdly - in general in life i laugh all the time - i sound like such a moaner here- but i'm always wondering what the heck is u[p with people not being able to laugh- see the humour- not be sorrowful all the time, etc. sorry this is my vent/rant/be mad place - not the pretty side at all of me...
i spend my life surrounded with people who say whatever comes to their lips- no matter who it hurts. and admittedly 'GO FOR THE THROAT" IN an argument. i listen like mad to them and everyone they've "flattened" talking about how hurtful it is, etc. my family (6 women) is a mess in that respect- it slants my life too much maybe - dealing with women forever- maybe i never ever knew one thing about men -
i try like mad to NEVER EVER EVER go there - and to alwasy think of the feelings of the person hearing it- does it REALLY need to be said if it's hurtful- do i really need to "go for the throat"?
is it really my "job" or anyones? to deliver HONESTY all the time - unasked for? - (AS IN slam some poor sucker on the head ) -
do we really HAVE TO figtht over x y or z???? i hate fighting- i hate it, hate it- and it always surprises me still when someone "goes for me"...
as my sisters & mother age- it's becoming more common and everyone is more "honest" (!!!???) wtf? and mad and angry and verbal. idk- genes???
this is the "peacemaker" "conduit" in this stinkin family resigning from her job - well, been trying for quite some time- they're not letting go without a fight....
OKAY- SINCE YOU ALL KNOW HOOOOOO NEUROTIC I CAN BE WITH THE THINKING THIS- THINKING THAT, ETC.
THE THING IS THIS - my own expectations in life and VALUES (well, how i think it "should be".
FOR WANT of a better name for "it". (oh yeah- and probably too much "father knows best" and "donna reed".
I always believed that when you loved someone- it enables all of us to put THEIR happiness first.
this mlc junk has me down because - i can't feel that for h rite now or maybe any more. his happiness ALWAys SEEMed more important- like dealing with kids- i always felt LIKE A happy and secure person and able to SHARE MY GOOD WILL AND GOOD fortune and try and make the other person feel that too. you know, feel it- that they CAME FIRST.
feeling like crappola now - to him- (which i think is part of feeling like crappola to everyone almost)
WELL- it's darn unpleasant. and makes me question who i was- who was that woman? and was she just nuts or what??? or just superficial and egocentric ? or what
or just wonderful and work to reclaim her- or is it time for an overhaul and dose of reality (which seems like negativism to me)
Boy Nero I am proud of you for keeping your cool when H told you so casually that he wants to go visit The Fvcking Cow. What exactly did you reply to him? How has he been acting since then?
i just don't want to mistakenly END IT ALL FOREVER for effect ONLY and then regret it. i know only death is final- it doesn't feel like that tho with these very hard- egocentric people who NEVER BACK DOWN- NEVER APOLOGIZE - NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE - never accept responsibility - NEVER NEVER NEVER -
I KNOW OUR ONLY POWER is over ourselves - i don't even know if that is the "right way" to handle things. that is my stupid gut directing me. the same jerk (gut) who told me this is a good man- despite anything to the contrary i ever thought or saw in life for past million years. it's alw;ays servedme well in past - i have my doubts now- flying on faith i guess since it's all i have - no kidding.
on the other hand- i do tend to think i'll do this til i can't stand it or him anymore and then it will be over and i'll never see his face again- the END.
That is what you are standing for honey. Because you love H and do not want to prematurely end it all forever. I do not know if this is the right way to handle MLC either. But this Process is highly endorsed by many people, and has helped to reconcile many marriages. I think if we give up before we are "done" standing, we will doubt ourselves for ever and always wonder if things might have been different if we had trusted the process and let our Hs slowly work their way out of the tunnel.
Nero, if things do not work out for you and your H, if things do not work out for me and my H, at least we can look ourselves in the mirror knowing that we tried our best to make it work. That we did everything we could, that we gave 120% more than the rest of the world advocates we give.
i don't think i will allow myself any more hope or faith in h's intrinsic goodness.
Yes you will if and when you two are back together again. You will not have that innocent in love type of feeling about him, but you will be able to trust him and know that underneath it all, he was really a good man who caught a horrible disease, MLC, which affected his brain and made him act like a crazy idiot for a couple of years. Then that trust will slowly return.
and i'm damn sick of no darn affection or sex or LOVE in my daily life- if i don't have that- what the heck do i know this guy for?????
THis is what hurts me the most too. Well, except for the thought of my H boinking RT. I am the kind of person who is a happy faithful trusting idiot if she just gets a couple of hugs every day. My H knows this about me Nero, and if he just wanted to have a secret affair with a Russian Twat, he knows he could hide his secret by just hugging me. I would happily trust him and let him go on his way. Does your H know that about you too?
Instead they are open about being "in love" (bleech) with Fvcking Cows and Russian Tramps, yet do not want US out of their lives. Can't you see this is proof that MLC has affected their minds and they are temporarily insane? This is not how normal men act. They either have a secret affair which they sneak and hide, or they openly tell their W that they are in love with someone else and leave.
I always believed that when you loved someone- it enables all of us to put THEIR happiness first.
this mlc junk has me down because - i can't feel that for h rite now or maybe any more. his happiness ALWAys SEEMed more important- like dealing with kids- i always felt LIKE A happy and secure person and able to SHARE MY GOOD WILL AND GOOD fortune and try and make the other person feel that too. you know, feel it- that they CAME FIRST.
This is exactly what I just read on uRworthy's new thread. I pasted it on to mine who you might have read it already, but I am going to paste it here for you. This is what I have decided to do (or try anyway) with my own H. I love him with all my heart, and have decided that I love him enough to let him go. I hope he will come back, but if he does not, I am going to leave it in God's hands and try not to fret and worry about it anymore.
"I think the hardest part in all this is in letting go. I believe that is the greatest act of love. It doesn’t mean you are giving up. It doesn’t mean you do not care. It is saying that you hear them, you honor their feelings, and cherish them enough to let them go with love.
When that happens, you begin to detach so that their actions and words do not affect your actions and words. You are allowing them to live their life, and figure themselves out and you are allowing yourself to do the same."
Oh and I have a confession. I was "bad" yesterday, and decided to give my H a hug in honor of deciding to "let him go." I braced myself to have no expectations. He did not hug me back at all, but also did not flinch away like he has in the past. He laughed and said "I think you had too much tea."
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
you're such a positive little thing- yay for people like you. out there-
i know, you're rite. good news on the hug. occasionally i lose my way and actually display affection- sometimes it's not shoved away. usually tolerated i guess i'd say- but hardly embraced.
i'm darn tired of that too- the streess of having to second guess where you can allow yourself to love or go-
oh man-
BUT BETTER than this morning or yesterday. i said whati put in that first post- pretty much word for word. that i hate it, but he always does what he wants - and the words stick in my throat so i'm hardlyl ikely to invite him to go boink hw.
pretty much that. and left room- no snarl, no big reaction.
i shoulda said whatever- maybe next time (next year-next decade)
i''m picking on myself here out of habit - but honestly- i don't even care to bash myself over my poor reacitons or whatever- i am who i am and iim doin my best. anyone who is better- yay for you.
my h lied and lied about it all. he never even bothered to be honest or even try TALKING. I JUST FOUND out by accident (i swear- hand of god putting it in my face).
no k idding- both times i was soooo blind and stupid and happy- and ka bam- in my face - unavoidable something that made my brain say HEYYYYY WTF??? IS GOING ON HERE
AND THEN i confronted him. he'd have lied and been crabby and critical forever i guess. wtf is that anyway???
idk linda- back this minute to seeing his "disease" - f that tho. and f him and f her for that matter.
anyway- less rabid- less stressed - keepthinking of "the agreement" 6 months notice of impending doom or demand i clear out-
somehow i still believe that- i need to chill out one bit and lose the insecure thing. it won't disappear- happy if it slacks off.
First of all, I hope you know that we see who you are on here. We know this is a place you can vent and say what you want. But you shine through.
So, I was not in anyway saying what you should have said to your h. I think you did wonderfully.
And I am like you, I do not like confrontation, I am the peacemaker in my life. I try to treat people with care.
And I like who I am.
I understand what you said about always putting his happiness before yours. I did the same in my marriage.
But you know what, Nero? I have learned that is not a good thing.
For a few reasons. First of all, you cannot make someone else happy. You can enrich their lives, but, you cannot be responsible for someone else's happiness.
That is their job. And I have come to believe that my happiness is as important as someone else's.
You run the risk, when you put someone else first always, of losing you.
When I wrote to you I was trying to say that you are amazing. And it bothers me to see you putting yourself down in regards to him.
MLC or not, he is not treating you respectfully at times and that is not ok. It just isnt.
Nero, you are an amazing woman.
I just want you to see that. SO that when he says something hurtful, you remember how wonderful you are.
I am the kind of person who is a happy faithful trusting idiot if she just gets a couple of hugs every day. My H knows this about me Nero, and if he just wanted to have a secret affair with a Russian Twat, he knows he could hide his secret by just hugging me. I would happily trust him and let him go on his way. Does your H know that about you too?
I am! Oh, h could have been enemy number one on the FBI list and he could have kept me I hugs until they busted throw the door. And, my dumb a$$ would have been screaming in his defense.
Why would we want to see the bad in them, this was our life, we trusted and loved them and we believed they honored us today as they did yesterday, why should we live expecting the worst.
It's not our fault, it's not a reflection on you Nero, any more than it is on any of us, give it to your h who deserves the blame.
When I wrote to you I was trying to say that you are amazing. And it bothers me to see you putting yourself down in regards to him.
I have been telling you this for some time Nero, insult him, take it out on him, you have to stop putting yourself in such a bad light and assuming he thinks this about you.
Who cares anyway what he thinks, devalue his opinion, now see yourself as we do, and those who love you.
I understand what you said about always putting his happiness before yours. I did the same in my marriage.
We as women have a different role on earth, we are nurturing, gentle, loving, beautiful creatures who give this part of ourselves freely to all who cross our path. I feel we are the living breathing equivalent to nature, and all her complexity.
We are always going to give more than we get, or in another way...we don't expect much back, we give freely. Our H, children or even family are the best "takers" and we're not naive to the fact but we love them and don't really mind.
Its when they mistreat our gifts that we stand up for ourselves, become aware of just what is going on outside of the perfect world we created around us.
Speaking for myself, I feel cheated, taken advantage of, maybe even used for my good graces, it's something I need to work out for myself.
H could have gone on with his life and I wouldn't have known much. But, h did disclose everything, never hiding his cell calls, never changing his passwords, even using his debit card that shows all. Why?
Well I read somewhere they need us, so they don't get lost in MLC land, not as a witness, but a life line. My h also doesn't think it so bad because there is no PA, tho he is changing that tune a bit.
Nero, your h is going to do what he wants, and he is trying to make himself feel better by believing he's being honest with you. You did perfect walking out, I'm a huge advocate of WAW.
Go home to NJ and make your life, try to keep his visits...his visits, not yours because you don't have time for him, because you are busy making a new life.
Said all with love, dm!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
you're back. yay - how is everything around the house??/ is the new baby & family living with you. idk why i thoguht that?
it would sure put alot of action in the place if so. thanks for note.
Quote:
Speaking for myself, I feel cheated, taken advantage of, maybe even used for my good graces, it's something I need to work out for myself.
yeah- me too. don't know how to get a useful place to store thos feelings. matter of fact, all you said applies to me as well. i know it-
i find it really hard to sling out the insults- i think them- i try and re-word it all inoffensively til it becomes nothing. idk- so not my style or comfortable place.
i think of the things my mother has said to any of us kids- the insults and hurt she slings out sometimes. she's amazed that everyone is not closer- she's clueless about the effect of her words on other people - AND she even knows she "goes for the throat". she is apparently okay with that.
i am not. i could not look at myself in a mirror if i caused as much pain as she does/did. he does/did. just because they're blind and stupid - i can't do it. just that. can't abide the idea of me being all "pow - - take that sucker."
maybe i should be more- idk. i've certainly tried to be brutally honest about the stuff i feel and think about him and this all- i did not hide my feelings. i just can't get past that point where i become something i hate in someone else.
does he care or get the breadth & depth - i don't think so. he is not capable maybe because he is either that shallow or that deep in denial. now and maybe forever? who knows.
it's a shame huh? i feel USED MOST OF ALL. that's the best description of it all-
uysed for the home i provided, the love, the companion- you name it. he sought it- chased me- got it- and now, takes it alllllll for granted becasue his head is in some bad place.
maybe -or he truly has morphed into a cold old foolish person and this is who he is now. both equally possible.
only time will tell this one. sometimes i even look at the ow sitch and feel pity for his stupidity. i know it sounds condescending- i just mean every once in awhile i'm able to be objective and clinical about it. rather than hurt and disgusted. it's physical - he's nuts
my thoughts now - across the board - is that every single man who is wierd and cold and 'differnt" is lying like mad- it's just like my h- he's boinking someone or planning to or wanting to - and is soooo jacked up becasue he is aware what a giant $hit he is- he's spewing back retaliation and anger at us for making him such a duplicitous $hithead. yeah- i know, like it's our fault. but hey- it's like kill the messenger kinda thing.
totally descimating us and having to see us and know it - makes them mad at us
idk- it's a wierd old life. i'm calm at the moment- not enough sleep last nite for real. gotta go pack & tidy a bit. have a feeling watching those two kids simultaneously is going to make me very tired and crazy.
oh well- keep wanting to bake cookies. my GIANT STRESS ACTIVITY- BAKE SOMETHING...
and this db crappola- i guess in for a penny - in for a pound. we began- and when it;s all said and done we don't end up EVER thinking we didn't give it every chance.
i guess- it's someting, right???
okay- i'm outta here- this morning- i got all dressed up nicely - makeup, etc.- lipstick, decent hair (well, for me anyway) and blew off a couple phone calls while he listened and left the house to go "do a few errands" before he had a chance to leave and go to his tennis , etc. he can think what e wants.
he never asks where i'm going. once or twice later in day he refers to it and sometime tries to figure out - i either don't answer or say a harmless answer, but hesitate one tiny bit so he thinks i may be lying- idk why i do it- can't resist i guess.
anyway- it's dopey- but it's something. first guy to leave-
man- didja ever think you'd stoop toplaying such dopey games ??? not me
but hey- a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do - rite?
or is that only men??? the waw - i'm tryin man. my life in nj would be a heck of alot more alluring if it was shared with someone besides my own self. im great company & all- BUT i'm definitely a pack animal. even a small pack- 1 person would do nicely ... everything that i thnk i want to do all of a sudden becomes less fun when i've got the time rather than lusting after the time to do it. then it's a dragggggg. it's soooo me-
xxoo have a wonderful day- glad you're okay at the moment-
I am the kind of person who is a happy faithful trusting idiot if she just gets a couple of hugs every day. My H knows this about me Nero, and if he just wanted to have a secret affair with a Russian Twat, he knows he could hide his secret by just hugging me. I would happily trust him and let him go on his way. Does your H know that about you too?
i'm sure he does. matter of fact - i'm sure he prides himself on not hugging just because NOW HE likes to think of himself as an UPFRONT kinda guy. what a lying cheating rat- makes me laugh to think he has any pride in there- but see, that darn ego of his. is alive and well.
he wants to think well of himself. oh BROTHER!!!! HAVE said that too tho, one time he was patting himself on back for something- i had to say it- "do you honestly think you're a nice guy- a decent guy?" REALLYYYYYY......" can't remember rest-
Quote:
I think if we give up before we are "done" standing, we will doubt ourselves for ever and always wonder if things might have been different if we had trusted the process and let our Hs slowly work their way out of the tunnel.
yeah- i know. oh man - JUST LOST MY REST OF LETTER ADN DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK ALL I SAID. SORRY - BACK LATER MAYBE.
I'M TIRED OF THINKING OF THIS JUNK - IT'S MAKIN ME SLEEP CRUMMY LAST NITE - DON'T WANNA STAY (NECESSARILY) DON'T WANT TO GO - SOME WIERD LIFE AT MOMENT-
OH Well huh?
xxoo thanks for letter- i'm just a bore today. lots to do as usual.
i'm thinking today about someone saying i need to change one thing.
i'm thinking about the fact that inside of me- i do not care about h's anger or what is goig on in his head. he had a minute of spew other day- i mean really let loose for a few minutes about something totally stupid (as always) a word chosen that he felt could have been a better or different word. funny when we communicte at cross purposes and he doesn't understand (immediately) (it happens alot) - he sometiems (like olden bad bad days ) flies off the handle. tht is the one thing he got from quitting smoking and maybe from this all beginning.
it's all so long ago- i can hardly remember . i can believe it's all been either going on or building up to this for ten years
what a sad sad comment on me- to be "riding this out" and not really "know3ing" for soooo long. oh well huh??
anyway- this giant outburst- me- i swear- inside felt not one damn thing other than impatience to ride thru it( few min.) and to not say a thing. didn't even find it hard not to respond - FELT LIKE SAYING - YEAH , yeah, YEAH- WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS NEW. GO tell it to someone that cares.... and walk away
i am untouched by his anger lately- no kidding. don't even need to explain or try and "fix it" -
THAT'S GOTTA BE WORTH SOMETHING HERE - in my mental development and improvement.
the cleaning- i don't feel it. he's blamed me being messy soooo long and sooo hard for everything-
i've been lots lots better and not messy much at all for years now- it doesn't matter of course. whatta surprise.
i putz around and tidy here or there- i'm not killing myself anymroe making thish ouse spaerkle- he never had a good word to say about all that effort- id on't expect it now- but i don't do it either.
can i do this??? not care ? or is the "cleaning" my part of the agreement???? i always thought so- and was glad enough to do it- but lately, without love (as dopey as this one sounds) i don't feel it. i only cleaned to try and make him happy because i cared - now i know what a treasonous jerk- i don 't want to try and make him happy anymore. it's his problem
this false stupid "happy" thing-
kind of wanted to run away from here - fl house - his icky "life" "self" "mentality". sometimes i don't want to look at his stupid face til he's done -
i'm tired of his self centered life and behavior- but then i think how lonely i feel alone in nj-
it's sure a mixed bag isn't it??? it's those darn nites alone in the house-
oh well- guess i'll butch up one way or the other one of these days, weeks, years...
