let's start at the end, shall we?

[KindaHappy1]

Greetings to everybody!

I am here because my marriage seems to be breathing it's last breath. On April 19th, my wife finally communicated that she was in therapy and that she was unhappy. I now know that I should have started making some changes then, but I didn't. I kept going on like usual. He would bicker about stupid things but no real fights. Then after a few weeks of me realizing that she was cold, I withdrew all affection to see if she would respond, she didn't.

on June 8th a day that she was out working, she came home and pretty much avoided me for the rest of the night, hanging out with the kids instead, then took a bath, then took a xanax and came to bed. I asked her if she was avoiding me, and she said "not now"
I pushed for answers and it turned into an argument and I told her that if she didn't want me, I should just leave, she said fine. This all just seemed like one of our usual games, but she wasn't playing anymore. I woke the next morning and started packing, the kids caught on and called my parents who came to intervene.

I was hurting and we were so distant at that moment. I said I was just gonna leave my whole life behind and start a new one somewhere else. Not a smart thing to say. She later said that that pushed her from wanting to separate to wanting the big D instead.

Her complaint is that she hasn't felt like I have made her as important as I should have and that her attempts to get my love and attention had failed for so long that she now doesn't feel a thing for me and she cannot recall me showing her any love.

One of her MAIN complaints for the past year or two has been on how much time I was spending on the internet, at a certain site that focused on very negative subjects. Now, part of my reason for being on the site was because of how much time she spend away from me. She had started martial arts, and got really into it, and I felt like I lost her to it, so I found my own thing to get lost in.

We both kept spending more time doing our thing until there seemed to be nothing left between us.

After that last big fight, I stopped going to that site, and I really don't go on the internet at home anymore, if I can avoid it (Makes checking this site out a bit difficult) and I had heard about the love dare book, so i got that and started the 40 day challenge. within the first week was when she told me she wanted a divorce. I begged, for the kids sake and mine, to give me another chance, she halfhearted agreed, and I agreed to go to see her therapist with her.

At the therapist, she agreed to try to stay together and learn to communicate. I explained that i really just want her to be happy in life, and that, since we have kids, we are gonna have to be in each others lives, why not try to learn to communicate, if she still doesn't love me after a while, I'll leave.

A week goes by and she goes to therapy alone. Now, since the June 9th fight, I've been super attentive, I've been cleaning and working around the house (Amazing what one can do when not stuck on the internet!) Apparently, even though she likes the behavior, she doesn't trust it, she thinks I'm being phony just to win her back, and then I'll go back to my old ways. I told her that I am acting out of love and that I will love her no matter what happens between us, but she still wants to separate. She is so angry about me not giving her the attention that she wanted in the past, that she can't be with me now, but she thinks that if we want to work on the marriage, we can get together for dates and do family stuff together a few times a week, so I don't know how I can be out of the house and be there too.

Should I really move out, or should I try and stall for a bit?

[KarenR]

Hi, Your situation is at a point where your behavior can stop 'this runaway train' and turn things around. This is what the DB coaches are experts at, helping you come up with a very directive plan of what to say and do (btw.. don't move out until you talk to a coach!:) It is typical that she doesn't trust your new behavior, why should she think it is going to last...but husbands DO change when faced with the thought of losing their family, nd it can be for the long haul...your coach will show you how to make her realize that. Please call for more info..take good care

[DigDeeper]

Hi KH, just want to say keep up the 180s and monitor your results. Hope you've read DB/DR too.

[KindaHappy1]

Update:
I moved out 3 weeks ago after we had a huge blow out. She said that she was so stressed and couldn't think with me in the house.
I moved out and we would still have family dates and the 2 of us had a couple of nights out too. She acts happy when we are out, but as soon as we return home, she acts all depressed and I feel like a monster. We had gone to a therapist and she told me that day that she was spending that Friday at her relatives, and said I could spend the night at the house with the boys.

I've totally lost any ground I had after catching Saturday morning her at OM/EA. She claims she slept on the couch. I got into an accident at the scene and now she acts like I am crazy. I have sought some help and she has started a new therapist and is going to a psych doc too. She told me I should see one because she doesn't know who I am and that I scare her.

I started to argue that she is the only one who sees that, but then I realized, we were arguing, so I instead thanked her, and told her that I respected what she was saying, because she sees a part of me that others don't and I agreed to go too. I'm scheduled for next week.

On Tuesday, she worked late, and agreed that I could go to the house and hang out with the kids. I did, and we had a great time making dinner, playing games and talking. She came home and seemed so depressed, and I started feeling guilty about it. I talked about how I could drive the boys to school in the mornings once the year starts, but she said that she could do it. She seems to love showing me that she doesn't need me in her life.

I also went to a pastor yesterday, and he helped me see how much guilt I hold on to and explained that my actions didn't make her do anything, she chooses her actions. Of course this is all common sense, but I guess I was stuck with my twisted logic that it was all my fault.

We have a wedding tomorrow with my kids, and she agreed I could go with as originally planned, and her Birthday is Saturday and she made plans to go to a fair with her sister and family. I asked if I could go too, but she didn't seem to want me to. I told her that if she doesn't want me there, I don't want to go and ruin her day, and I meant it.

I had thought about not going to the wedding, but the pastor said to go, but not for her, for out boys. That makes sense to me, so that is what I'm going to do, and I am going to have a great time, and I have internally vowed to not be reactive to her.

[Makingchanges]

Hi Kinda,
I am still new to all of this so i'm sure i will be corrected if I am wrong. Since moving out what have you been doing to GAL? Have you identified any more areas to 180?
One thing I did notice was that you asked to go with her to the fair. It seems to me that it is pursuing when you make requests like that. Take the pressure off of her. When the time comes that she wants you to join her on something she plans then she will ask you.
Have you been making plans to spend time with the boys without her at all? I have been trying to focus on my kids as much as possible. Hang in there. I will be checking on you.

[KindaHappy1]

my 180's have been
working out and looking good!
dieting (Lost 40 lbs so far, around 20 to go!)
Becoming more social (started facebook and I've reconnected with a few friends that I will be making a point to meet up regularly
Spending more time playing with my boys
Started going to church

I need to keep working on not being reactive

I'm trying to keep my distance. We do have contact with each other through work, so between the kids and work, there is always a reason for us to talk, but I'm trying not to abuse that.

[MileHigh]

If you read enough other posts around here, you'll see that consistency is key. A lot of spouses will notice changes and think it's just a trick, or just a phase.

The things I'm really working on right now are things I want to change because I don't want to live with that guy anymore - no wonder my W didn't either!

[Not Quitting]

Be prepared for a long roller coaster ride. Things will go from bad to good back to bad. Try not to take it personally. You can only change yourself, no one else.

Get your hands on DR and/or DB books, read other threads on here. You'll find similar sitches and insights from sitches that are quite different that may be helpful to your sitch. Sometimes just venting or journaling on here can help.

No R talks - that's pressure; let your spouse initiate; validate and don't argue. Concentrate on yourself. A common statement on here is " Believe none of what you hear and 50% of what you see" and "this is a marathon not a sprint". Don't expect anything to change overnight.

[KindaHappy1]

Thanks for the replies!

I've got DR and have read most of it. I think she may be MLC, it fits. I had started DR, but one of my issues is that I am always looking for the magic bullet, and when 180's didn't help, I looked elsewhere and started reading other books. I started focusing on myself more and looking into the issues that make me so reactive.

I read No MOre Mr Nice Guy, and realized that I have huge unresolved abandonment issues, so then I moved on to Taming Your Outer Child. I was thrilled to be learning how to fix myself and my issues, and I bragged about it and tried to teach her things out of the book in an attempt to fix her issues... BIG MISTAKE. That was one of the last straws before our big blow out the night before I left and it was something I was still doing as of last Saturday after I caught her spending the night at the OM that is at least an EA.

This week I came back to DR, and realized how if I had just stuck with it, I may have made much more progress. All I can do is keep moving forward and learn form my mistakes so I no longer repeat them.

I talked to her today asking if I could take the boys out after work to get them clothes for the wedding tomorrow. She is having a get together tonight with her nephew and nieces. I know that at least of of them is very against me, but I have learned that if I say anything negative about them, she feels attacked and like I am trying to control her.

She said that she didn't want our boys missing out on seeing their cousins. I reassured her I would have them home and I would be long gone before the get together. She agreed and I got the shopping done, got food for the boys and had the youngest call her to see if she wanted any food. She asked for a sandwich, so that was nice to be able to do something for her, even if she doesn't appreciate it.

I got the boys home and she was still out, so I was able to get out of there before she got home. That way I wouldn't have to see the depression face that she puts on when I am there, and I wouldn't be affected by it, and I feel really good about it.

I agree, no more R talks at this time.

How wrong is it to ask if she want's to join certain "Play dates" with the boys? our 20 year anniversary is next week and I was going to ask if we could make it a family night, but I don't know if that would be too much pursuing.

[KindaHappy1]

So I went forward with attending the wedding. We had a great time dancing and talking to family, Drove home and got my stuff to leave. She didn't mention anything about the fair, so I assumed that I wasn't wanted and did not ask. Now, I am having a very hard day, knowing that my family is having a great time. Everyone who was going was either at the wedding or at my house before, so I feel very left out right now.

Someone close to me told me that they think she is trying to make me hurt right now, and if that's the case, it's working.

She sent me a text this am, saying she had a good time and that she loved the birthday present that me and my boys got her.

I texted back that I had a good time too and that I hoped that we could get together again soon.

I think I need to send the day focusing on myself and what I want and need. I want to try therapy WITH her, and I don't want to push her, so I don't know If I just let her know that if she decides she would like to try, that I will go, or if I just want and see.

I am afraid if I go as dark as I can, she will think that it doesn't matter. There are so many assumptions that have come between us, I feel that it is important that there is conversation, but I don't want to be forcing her.

Thanks for reading.