Yes, it certainly appears that i have a lot of work to do in how i handle and react to things regarding XW. After reading your reply, i can definitely see how she would have no interest in wanting to discuss anything with me because i sure seem to come off like an ass. It is things like this that caused problems in our marriage. I wasn't happy at times in our M either, so this is how i chose to react to her.
I felt i was never a priority to her when we were married so in turn, i started treating her badly because i wasn't getting what i felt i needed from her either.
I can definitely relate to that last line especially. I wasn't getting my needs fulfilled in our M, so I would tend to pout and/ or lash out at W in odd ways. It's great that you can recognize this, because that is the biggest step in doing a 180 on it. If you're texting or emailing and you type something up, give yourself a few minutes and then read it again before sending. I do this now and often when I reread it I realize the tone is way off and I have to revise it before sending.
Quote:
I just want a chance to try and do things differently, but if i don't figure out how to handle myself during these types of interactions, that chance will never come.
Validation is an art form and unfortunately there are not a lot of resources on it. Retrouvaille gave me invaluable insight into validation techniques, I wish there was a book out there that covered the material! But in a nutshell, just be a great listener. Make lots of eye contact, do 80% listening and 20% talking, remove distractions (turn off TV, radio, etc.), ask questions that show you're paying attention and to encourage her to keep sharing, ask her about her feelings (that sounds frustrating, is that how you feel?), validate her feelings (I hear you saying how angry you are, I can understand why you would feel that way). Men suck at validation and women are really good at it. That's why women seek out their female friends when they want to gripe, because their female friends don't try to fix them, they just sympathize and validate. We on the other hand want to fix things, so we tell them what they should do to fix their emotions instead of seeking to understand them. But that is not what they want/ need from us. Make sense?
Quote:
It is just starting to feel like time is slipping away and i am losing my window of opportunity, but if i don't start now, i am doomed no matter who i end up with.
You're barely half a year since BD, you've got plenty of time. The sitches here that have resolved usually took well over a year, and in a lot of cases multiple years. Don't beat yourself up, just be patient and work on those 180's
