round and around we go

[AnotherStander]

I have asked him what his 'path' looks like?

You'll never get good answers from a WAS to questions like this, because inside they are confused and they don't know where they are going or what they want. It changes constantly. Just validate, don't pressure him with questions.

H says he grew apart from me. that the gulf is too big. He will say he is sorry. the ILYBMIL. he doesn't want to work. he doesn't care what a therapist would say.

All WAS script. Remember that WAS's speak in absolutes. That doesn't mean he'll never change his mind, it's just how he feels right NOW.

I have remained so always leaving the path home accessible. He's returned twice since initial separation.

Well leaving the way home paved and smooth is not the same thing as having a revolving door policy. If he talks about returning again, ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES. There's a lot of hard work that HE should do before being allowed to return. You are letting him come back even though he has done NO work on himself. That's got to stop.

We will forever be connected(or so I think) because of our D

MWD says in DR that when there are kids, there's no such thing as "divorce". The parents are forever linked.

My plans for the future, I thought would include both me and H taking care of D together. H wants to go off and do his own thing. He already has r with ow.

Time to change your plans. There's a saying- "Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans". ALL of us had plans that radically changed at BD. You can blame your spouse and lament how much they screwed up your life, or you can take control of your life and make it your own responsibility. One path will foster anger and bitterness, the other is empowering. One will ensure your marriage is doomed, the other may open the door to reconciliation.

[willbwell]

Thanks AS, I've been following your post too. I know I will be ok. My faith is strong. When we talk today, I will listen and validate. I have my class orientation today which is me doing for me and my kids.
I have allowed the revolving door. So confusing for the kids. I will do better.
Take care of yourself AS. Thank you for your wise wisdom

[willbwell]

Hey you guys who are living separated...what do you do about kids bdays? Both my boys have bdays coming up.

[MrBond]

Depends on what you want to do. When my W and I were separated, we decided that we would celebrate our kids' birthdays together.

[Whiterose]

My H left just before "heavy" season. Two weeks after my birthday, 1 week later H's bday, 3 days later S14's bday, 3 days later Mother's Day.

H wanted to spend time with S14 but I had made plans for a party and sleepover. Then it was Mother's Day and they were mine for the day.

I had to make plans so he wouldn't feel like his birthday was ruined and am glad I did. He had a great weekend.

You need to do what is right for you and your family though.

[complicated]

wbw,
How did the talk go?

[willbwell]

H is adamant about d. I said I would like to remain status quo. separated.I have school, s16 will be a junior in HS a very tough year. H says he does not want to be married. Why should he delay the inevitable. He said he will proceed.

of course I cried. Of course I tried my best to be calm, to validate, to listen. I was not smart aleck, but he at times got short with me. He would say something that sounded so ironic and I would laugh out loud-I couldn't believe he could be saying that. or I would smirk and shake my head in disbelief...for example saying he would be there for kids...He is not here dealing with kids day in day out. He wants to be there for them now? I asked him how?

I have seen an attorney. Its all so expensive. My state is terrible for women. What the law "allows" is crap. I have been a stay at home. I am now back in school( which is good) but will make my life even that much harder in the short term. I have school and all kid responsibility. I can do it I know. Just pisses me off that he is out 'living his life'

S19 bday is Saturday. he wants to do burgers at home. H will come over. I will do my regular. Be happy, busy.

Going to art museum today with d15 and friends. Have a big headache right now, but it will be better later.

[willbwell]

I would like to ask h if relationship with ow is what is driving this d. I want to ask him to please be man enough and own up to it if it is true. What's the point of lying at this point? He no longer feels the need to lie to protect me or my feelings. He does not care. he wants to move on( statements by him) Why should I care to know- the result will be the same d.

[LBH_LC]

willbwell, I know the urge. I suspect my W was not honest with me when she said there was no one else in the picture when she left, and I think any reasonable person in my shoes would be suspicious too.

But really, what does it matter? Does it change the fact that our WAS left? No. Do you think it would make it easier for you move on? Well, maybe, but you'd be acting out of emotion instead of reason. Is that what you want?

[complicated]

wbw,
Sorry your talk did not go as you had hoped. Remember that things change minute by minute with mlcers. I have a few years on you in this journey and I can't count how many times my h hs been up and down on what he "thought " he wanted. We also were about a month away from d being final before we stopped it.

RH was about a week away I think.

Use this time to continue to work on you and detach as much as possible. Give the a some time to fizzle. Try not to have r talk.

You can do this. Work on you and spend time with your kids and friends. Patience my friend!