After the Divorce?

[Starlingesque]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to the community, though I've read DB and am trying to survive this trying time.

My husband and I have been married for three years, living together for four, and he ended the relationship two months ago. He said that he isn't attracted to me anymore, and that we don't have a connection. He is extremely adamant that it's over, and that he's going to file papers... tomorrow.

So I wonder, is there hope after a divorce? Honestly, I don't know why he's filing so quickly, other than he says that he just wants to get on with his life.

In our lives, he was the breadwinner, and I was the home maker. He made enough income for that, and said that I could stay home and be a writer, which I was doing. But, ultimately, that was not enough. He got a new job with a huge pay raise and, shortly after, he ended the marriage, saying he wasn't happy. He says that this is the best for both of us.

This has been devastating. Scary, financially, but also I felt like suddenly, my best friend was gone. My goofy guy. My wonder. A huge joy in my life. He's cold, he won't talk to me, he just ended everything. As if we had been dating.

I've since done a 180, as in, I've gone back to school to get a nursing degree, so I will never be in this position again. It's definitely not my dream job, and it's not artistic, but it pays well, I can work with kids and, yes, I will never be in this position again. My husband is very upset about paying alimony. He says that he doesn't want to, doesn't see why he should (since I worked in the home), etc.

Well. I feel like I did everything in the relationship. I listened to him, I made our home beautiful, I took care of all of our household arrangements, did the cleaning, the shopping, the cooking. Took care of all of our Burning Man details (yes, we go every year, and it's a ton of work!). I supported him when his self esteem was down, I listened to him when he had problems, and we could talk for hours. Then, suddenly, he ended everything.

All I can think of is that he wants an end to the support cycle, and that my being in nursing school and my working is the only thing that will make a difference. I've tried being nice, I've tried being brave. I'm going to try the LRT, but if he's divorcing me now... then there are details that we need to talk about.

This has been the most painful thing I've ever been through in my life and, honestly, I don't know what to do, or what would really be successful.

Much love,

- P aka Starlingesque

[KarenR]

I am sorry you are going through this, it is very painful. It is great that you are getting a degree, you will feel better about yourself and you can still work on your writing part time. I suggest you also talk to a DB coach, as this is the time to get clarity on what went wrong and what you could say and do differently to get a different response from him, so that you could open up the possibility of rekindling your relationship. You will feel so much better having someone in your corner helping you through this. Take good care.

[Mimi00]

Hi Star, sorry you find yourself here, you'll get a lot of great advice and support here though.

My sitch is very, VERY similar to yours. From me being an artsy girl, to H making more money then all of a sudden announcing he was "unhappy"...etc..etc..etc..

It's great you decided to go to school, that's a big step you've made in a short time.

Are there any other complaints your H had about the marriage that you could do 180's on that will be beneficial for you as an individual first and secondly for the marriage if R was to happen?

Keep your thoughts on positive things!

[AnotherStander]

My husband and I have been married for three years, living together for four

What are your ages and do you have any children? Have you done any reading on MLC? If you're describing things accurately, it sounds like you were a pretty good wife. If so then he may be entering MLC.

So I wonder, is there hope after a divorce?

Well, certainly people do reconcile after divorce, but often what happens is after divorce the LBS closes their heart to the WAS because they see no hope of reconciliation. So when the WAS eventually does approach them about reconciling, they've long since moved on with their life.

Honestly, I don't know why he's filing so quickly, other than he says that he just wants to get on with his life.

Read Sandi's DB tips (sticky at top of forum). DO NOT bring up R, M or D talks. It's not unusual for the WAS to say they're filing for D right away, but then they don't do it. If the LBS talks about it constantly, then the WAS feels pressured to proceed. But if the LBS doesn't ever bring it up then it removes the pressure.

I've since done a 180, as in, I've gone back to school to get a nursing degree, so I will never be in this position again.

That's great! That's what you need to do, focus on you. Rebuild your life. Show your H that you are going to be fine in life whether with or without him.

My husband is very upset about paying alimony. He says that he doesn't want to, doesn't see why he should (since I worked in the home), etc.

Very selfish attitude, another indication that he may be entering MLC.

Well. I feel like I did everything in the relationship.

Maybe he didn't see that as a positive thing. Maybe he felt like you were controlling and manipulative because you "did everything". I don't know the whole story obviously, but you need to try and step outside of your R and look at it more objectively and figure out why he wasn't happy.

This has been the most painful thing I've ever been through in my life and, honestly, I don't know what to do, or what would really be successful.

Very sorry you're going through this, but practically all of us here have lived through the pain, are rebuilding our lives and can help you do the same. The healing takes time, lots of it. Just know that there IS still hope for your M, even if your H does push the D through there is still hope. Time is an amazing thing, it can change people and situations. Embrace time, take a deep breath and get ready for the long haul. Good luck!

[Starlingesque]

Hi KarenR, Mimi30, and AnotherS,

Thank you so much for your responses. I was surprised that you wrote, and it means a huge deal to me. This really is a community--and it's the first time I've engaged in an online community before.

I'm 33 and he's 37, and it definitely could be a MLC--the situation seemed to align pretty well with DB. I haven't read any titles on it, though--do you recommend any, or any websites?

For some reason, I thought Mimi30 asked if there were things that I'd contributed to the situation, and I thought about it for a few days. (I've actually been thinking about it for two months...)

I was quick to be emotional or reactive to his tone. His parents bicker all the time, and he sometimes does the same. I had never been in a home where bickering was the norm, nor had I been in a relationship where that happened before, and I didn't have the tools to handle it well. My feelings would get hurt, and I'd feel hurt and would sometimes cry. Then he felt like he couldn't bring things up without my reacting. It's kind of embarrassing to talk about this openly, but it's the truth.

Also, he wasn't attracted to me. I'm not sure why, as I'm 5'9", I'm slender, I have pretty clear skin, and I've been complimented enough on my looks. After high-school, I traveled the world a bit to model (a very little bit, I was really too young for it). I'm older now and no longer in my 20s, but I'm OK in the looks department. But he wasn't attracted. My friend just confided to me that, a year ago, he had had too much to drink at her house and started telling her how he wasn't attracted to me, and that she felt uncomfortable and asked him to speak with me, which he didn't.

I didn't know how to handle the lack of physical attention. I didn't go out and learn more about sex, like reading books, watching movies, going online, etc. I've since learned (I've now read 14 books about relationships, lol) that people don't just "know" how to do these things well, and that reading actually helps.

Other things? The working. It really bothered him, though he said I could work from the home. It was a contradiction. I'd worked as a copywriter downtown then got laid off, and since took up photography, edited books, nannied, and did odd-type jobs that brought in spending money but not much more than that. I'm now working with a therapist about my working, as I eventually took on jobs that I knew I could do, and that were easy, not ones that seemed "scary" or "challenging" but were way more interesting (it's like a gal who dates guys she knows she doesn't want, because she feels intimidated by the guys she does want). My counselor is making me write down every compliment I receive for a week, and has begun a small program on changing that wiring (I'm also reading What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter).

That's really all I can think of. My self-esteem was pretty low at the end. I've since opened up about how I felt sexually, and am reading books in that arena. I'm reading and have reached out to this community. I inquired with my friends about part-time jobs while in nursing school, and got a lead and actually called on it yesterday. (Ah!) And I'm working toward that degree. What I feel is really missing from my life is art and writing as, with this whole thing, I have done hardly any of it at all, aside from a few short poems. So that's a 180 I can do for myself, as well.

Love to all of you, and thank you for writing back,

- Star

[Starlingesque]

Hey AS,

I wonder about the "doing everything" part.

You know, I didn't have much of a life outside of him. As in, I did--I had and have a ton of friends that aren't his friends and weren't, and I see them very regularly. I also had my own small jobs, my photography, I took some classes, etc. But also, by writing at home, I waited for him to come home and "be company," as it were. I think he liked that I did so much, as he worked so much and really didn't have time to do it. I don't remember him ever complaining about it, and that's the truth. But, if I had stepped back more, perhaps I would have made space for him to engage more, and by engaging more, he would have cared more. Perhaps I should have made dinner fewer times, and created space for him to do it. And the same goes for our Burning Man prep, etc. Good point, there.

I wish I had known so much. I wouldn't have taken him for granted, I would have actively sought other ways to handle stressful situations (going for a walk, etc.) I would have worked on my own esteem when it came to working, etc. F*ck!!! Too little, too late? Perhaps for this time around.

- Star

[Mimi00]

I was quick to be emotional or reactive to his tone. His parents bicker all the time, and he sometimes does the same. I had never been in a home where bickering was the norm, nor had I been in a relationship where that happened before, and I didn't have the tools to handle it well. My feelings would get hurt, and I'd feel hurt and would sometimes cry. Then he felt like he couldn't bring things up without my reacting. It's kind of embarrassing to talk about this openly, but it's the truth.

No need to be embarrassed at all. I was the same, my H would say things and I would cry, I didn't have the proper tools to communicate my feelings, I'd just get frustrated and angry. The last two years of the marriage I did learn to stop crying in front of him and would get up and cry in another room (lol, that's all the progress I made). My H also was worried about my reaction to certain things, so he stopped telling me things. Which was not good, b/c when I would find out I'd think he was lying/purposely keeping things from me. If he would have been more open about his reasons for not telling me, I could have corrected things in my self.

I did IC online and learned about emotional regulation, now I am much better.

What I've learned through reading other people's sitches, is that the human experience is so similar. We think we're so different and no one could understand our pain.... but we all have many of the same quirks and reactions in many situations.

I wish I had known so much. I wouldn't have taken him for granted, I would have actively sought other ways to handle stressful situations (going for a walk, etc.) I would have worked on my own esteem when it came to working, etc. F*ck!!! Too little, too late? Perhaps for this time around.

I say this too. I never thought to read books, seek out wisdom etc... until AFTER the BD. I thought my H and I would just continue to learn and grow together and that things would work themselves out naturally. Now I just shake my head at my ignorance. You have to make purposeful actions in order to get the changes you want.

But you never know, it may not be too late for you or me. We'll just have to continue to learn and grow.... what will be, will be.

[Starlingesque]

Wow, that is the best advice.

And it's so true. It looks like you and I really did have similar experiences.

I also just thought that things would take care of themselves. I never thought to seek the help I needed/we needed before the separation.

And yeah, there's a lot of letting go. I think that the biggest thing I learned here was to let go. You never know. And there's a lot of time ahead of us. The only thing we can do is just work on ourselves.

Thank you, Mimi30.

xox,

- Star