Ok T2 I'm still on board. I requested my account be closed but admin never did. Of course I am FREAKED out. My W has called L that she already met with. After finding this forum she said "you haven't changed at all, you're on the internet bashing me to everyone." She said she is filing. The L's # all over our caller id and she has a babysitter for Friday morning. I know deep within my heart it had nothing to do with the forum. she has been looking for validation to leave me for quite sometime. She has been snooping my phone and email and she kept coming up empty handed. She has been waiting for me to make a mistake. Finding the forum is just her internal justification. She WAS not happy reading that I thought she had some sort of mood disorder/MLC going on.

I did try speaking with her but she wanted to do with conversation. She just kept cursing at me. I said snooping in my personal forum is like taping my counseling session.

Stuff came out that I was fearing to tell her. Like her txting other dudes. How hurtful I thought it was. That after family vacation trip she distanced herself for no good reason. that she made up some excuse why but then 2 weeks later retracted it.

We went over EA. She didn't know our abbreviations. She thought it meant extramartial affair. i explained emotional affair the best I could without attacking. Basically saying OM got attached to you enough to make a pass at you while we were separated.

So much came out but in the end she feels I haven't changed and this was final straw to break the camels back.

One of the reasons we got physically separated in the past was because I was narotic about her hormones. I know this. So for her to read me referencing it again made her LIVID. sorry that is how I feel and that is what I feel is part of our problem.

She told me that I was the sole reason she had a nervous breakdown. That she went to hospital 5 times with panic attacks. (I did remind her I was by her side each time). Her breakdown started after she weened our youngest off breast feeding. But she continued to blame me for her breakdowns.

She also blamed me and said our failed M was 100% my fault. Basically she was the perfect W for 9 years and I was selfish. that me helping out now with laundry and stuff isn't enough.

Basically I feel my W checked out of this M long time ago and she was faking it to try to make it. I've been trying to be perfect (not healthy environment) and not make 1 mistake but it was always something I did.

I tried to explain that DB forum was a save your marriage forum and self help to make me a better person. Without it I wouldn't be making any changes within myself. Did not want to hear it. I said it was private and anonymous.

I'm sick to my stomach today. I've cried all morning like a baby. Not in front of her etc..I'm hurting. Part of me knows that this M is so toxic and unhealthy. that if she does no work it really won't work. I can't do it by myself.

I know that what happened, happened for a reason. the bandaid came off. There were lots of positive things in my posts that she read. (i read all the posts she read based on history tab).
She chose to find the hormonal, mood disorder, mlc ones. It really did look BAD.

sorry for jacking your thread but you have been there for me in the past and I don't want to start my own for now. I'm trying to go underground and still get support. Ugh. Thank you