i ask myself the same thing- HOW DO WE GET ME THERE. i managed NOT to yell, scream or reply with sarcasm or anger.
for yesterday- that's as good as it got. for me- it's HUGE I THINK.
i know- how the hell do i face it squarely - look it in the eye- have it ground into my face and then lick some up and say - whatever!!!!!
OKAY- jusT erased the 50 paragraph reply. i AM Frustrated also by my apparent lack of big progress. i'm going to have to opine here that i am just a slow slow - overthinking - plodder in life.
well, i've ALWAYS known that i have a huge capacity for physical pain and discomfort. and i can hold my temper and feelings for a very very long time in the face of some really aggressive icky persons (family & work) I have a GIANT capacity for self control when dealing with people.
i'm not saying that is necessarily a good thing- perhaps it makes me a very "willing" doormat too - idk on that...
the giant "blowout" usually is something i avoid.
i alwasy thought it was a good thing to have - worked so far in life to my benefit. not so sure now??
that i will (most probably) twirl and suffer and stuff this down my own throat til i am at the point of choking and dying or walking away- and then i will make a final move. mOST PROBABLY.
i just don't want to mistakenly END IT ALL FOREVER for effect ONLY and then regret it. i know only death is final- it doesn't feel like that tho with these very hard- egocentric people who NEVER BACK DOWN- NEVER APOLOGIZE - NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE - never accept responsibility - NEVER NEVER NEVER -
no retreat - no surrender- no prisoners... i'm serious- h and mother both. (HOW in the world i became soooo entangled with both of them- idk- GOD'S LITTLE JOKE??)
I KNOW OUR ONLY POWER is over ourselves - i don't even know if that is the "right way" to handle things. that is my stupid gut directing me. the same jerk (gut) who told me this is a good man- despite anything to the contrary i ever thought or saw in life for past million years. it's alw;ays servedme well in past - i have my doubts now- flying on faith i guess since it's all i have - no kidding.
FOR SOME unfathomable reason- u resist being "rash" and plunging into saying or doing something i'm not 100% sure is what i want - FOREVER. see- i do tend to think in very very BIG TERMS - forever.
i don't think i will allow myself any more hope or faith in h's intrinsic goodness.
I'VE been told alot by H and by my ANGRY-POWER sister - that I have drama angle to my outlook and i see things as very big and very black or white.
i am always surprised becasue i tend to think anything is possible and people are capable of almost anything- good or bad. no kidding- i think the most amazing things could be possible if people want to bother...
on the other hand- i do tend to think i'll do this til i can't stand it or him anymore and then it will be over and i'll never see his face again- the END.
SO MAYBE they're rite- idk- i am confused about me.
i always was soooo sure i knew who i am and what i was doing.
this major upset in my UNIVERSE has me questionging every single thing abut others and myself as well. i never saw and felt so much criticism and ill will before- it is new and very very unhappy thing to feel.
EVEN SAYING THAT- I AM GRATEFUL I HAVEN'T FELT LIKE SUCH A STINKING INSECT IN LIFE BEFORE NOW - THAT'S A PRETTY LUCKY WAY TO GO THRU LIFE SO FAR - 62 YRS OF THINKING I JUST MIGHT BE PRETTY SPECIAL? i do apprceciate that - OH WELL huh??? there we are - asusual-
i guess this is my life's allotment of total $hit and all i can do it suck it up til i bust and then crawl out of it and go on somewhere else...
and i'm damn sick of no darn affection or sex or LOVE in my daily life- if i don't have that- what the heck do i know this guy for?????
you're nice to write and give a darn- wierdly - in general in life i laugh all the time - i sound like such a moaner here- but i'm always wondering what the heck is u[p with people not being able to laugh- see the humour- not be sorrowful all the time, etc. sorry this is my vent/rant/be mad place - not the pretty side at all of me...
