Need help detaching

[lost_hope]

Thanks liitleGTO. Despite everything my little son is really the bright line in my life. Come next week I will have no choice but to concentrate on his cute little face and take care of all his needs. I fully intended to be an attachment parent (ironic the term, eh, I need to detach from my H and I want to attach to my baby). The only thing I may not be able to do is b/feed (a) b/c I am having a c-section and that sometimes wreaks havoc on milk supply and (b) I will be taking meds to deal with my anxiety and precent PPA/PPD and I don't believe in medicating and b/feeding at the same time (though I know there are meds that you are able to do it). Anyway ... all that to say yes, you are correct. It has been hard to detach from H and from my M for obvious biological reasons in addition to the normal ones we all feel, but I am looking forward to meeting my little guy.

I realized last night just how cold and detached my H is ... In the midst of (another) argument he blurted out something along the lines of sometimes he wakes up and he feels we can make it but then I do (fill in the blank with the litany of his complaints about me) and it all goes sideways and that he is withholding affection pending his "decision". I told him not to insult my intelligence and that I know exactly how he feels by the lack of affection he shows me. (Unfortunately although the reason is different now, I know his game exactly b/c he did this to me for about 6 months two years ago -- that time it was for EA that I of course discovered by accident).

I'll know exactly when it is he thinks we can work it out by his actions not his empty words. Honestly I just HATE the way he makes me feel worthless and that he's doing me some big, grand favour by "sticking around" and that he gets to decide months and months later whether we can work. Not by talking to me, not by going to counseling, not by reading a M help book (which he did last time by the way when we were apart, I found out later), but just by doing nothing. It actually made me sick to my stomach and I still am sick. And I angry at him and not hiding it. So long PMA! We have to do some stuff for the house closing today so it will be interesting. I am going to try to limit my anger to just not talking to him much but I won't get into any arguments or anything.