For the last five months I have been thinking and writing a lot so I want to start this new thread by putting the old ones behind me. This will make this first post rather long but it is nothing compared to my threads and thoughts. I write this as a summary of my previous four very long threads.
SHORT BACKGROUND W gave me the ILYB on 8. March 2013. I was caught off guard but also after a rough period of time. She moved out on the 1. August. We have D6, D4 and I have S10 from other M. If you need further background then it is here you will find this in my first thread here.
W: I have a standard WAW in most areas, but at some point she acts different. She is totally nice and pleasant and has been this way almost all the way. We have had some arguments about the practical’s (financials, children etc.) of splitting up but otherwise the time living together after BD has been good. This is my opinion but W hasn’t opened up, so in fact I don’t know what she is thinking! A part of me takes her acting as positive and some part of me thinks that the only way she can behave like this is due to total detachment from her and her being gone for good. I hate this last thought!
During these last months we have: Hugged, kissed on chin, hold hands, sat close, slept together, quality talked, worked the house and the garden, built a sandbox, shared expenses, been to circus twice, had visits from friends and IL, taken baths together with children, visited my father’s grave, been at the Zoo and much much more….. We have lived as happily M without ILU, kisses and sex. In my opinion it would have been a great time if not for the BD. She left a week ago but she still contacts me almost every day and some days several times. Most the times she has some kind of matter like children or that she forgot something. She also still has a lot of things at the house that she hasn’t moved yet.
To me it looks like she got fed up, decided to run and did so as fast as she could. I am certain she has had the doubts about the decision but she stood with it. I believe she has a lot of enablers around her, but I am also quite certain that I am not in any way disliked by most our friends and even her family. One major problem I have is that she stated prior to BD that she doesn’t believe in people changing. Add this to the fact that she hasn’t stated any why’s and you got the basic problems of my sit!
ME I guess I am an average LBH. I received a lot of advice coming here, but wasn’t able to comprehend the meaning of detachment, focus on me and GAL. Reading through my old threads almost makes me laugh at myself. Especially Sandi2s posting in the early days are so spot on when I read them now, but at that time I simply didn’t understand the words or the meaning of them. I am not sure I do that today but I am getting there. I have been blessed with so much good from this forum and I truly can state that if this forum didn’t exist I would have been a mess!
I have thought, written, looked for small steps to the outmost extent – it has almost been driving me crazy! Now she is gone and that will give me some peace since I don’t have to worry so much about her.
I believe I have done fairly well in regards of DBing and my hopes are right now that these past months living together contains enough good memories that W someday will open up and talk.
I have done a lot of 180s, and kept a fairly high PMA around W. I have had MAJOR problems with focus on me and GAL but I believe that during the last month I am getting better at this. At the same time I have loosened a little on the 180s and especially me fixing everything. I have also realized that the reason for BD might be a little different than I saw at first. I have read a lot of books and in here about the WAS and the subject of love in general and feel I am getting the hang of the ideas. My only problem is that she is being so nice. As time passes I tend to turn towards this being a negative.
I have had 7 sessions with a DB-coach and I have due to Ws behavior been advices to pursue a little by touching. I have written an apology-letter. Nothing has changed her mind. I understand why DB-coach gave me this advice but I am very much in doubt if I did right in following it.
I love W and I my goal is that through the work I do on myself I will be able to attract her one day. I believe I am in for a very long and tough haul, but also feel that as long as I can keep the hope I will stay on the path toward possible R. I do feel hopeless more and more often as times go by.
My path is quite clear to me for now – the only big issue left to solve is how to treat W and how to react in regards of her and around her. I will discuss this with my DB-coach and my shrink in august.
GOALS Keep, update and evaluate a list of goals and 180s Continue journaling in here Get my business situation and thereby income stabilized. Get my medical issue solved and possible go through surgery Fix my home Work my 180s Try to follow thoughts – being more spontaneous.
KIDS When kids are here – Focus on them, by: No work when they are awake No long phonecalls Doing at least one thing out of the house with them, when they are here for weekends. Involving them in daily life like cooking, cleaning etc. and accepting that this will be on their timeframe
ME When alone focus on me by: GAL Work my goals Exercize Sleep
AROUND W: I still feel a lot of doubt in regards of interactions with W. I won’t reach out to W but since I have a history of going silent I won’t go completely dark I guess I will initiate convo 1 time every time she has initiated 3 times. I will be pleasant and nice towards her. I will let her solve her own problems I will give her (and me) the needed time and space
That’s it for now!
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
