wife hardends heart-2

[MrBond]

"What was forgiven was undone.
To sum it up, i managed the situation poorly."

What exactly did they do to her?

Right now forget about what your W says about your children not seeing your family. They are your kids and they are YOUR family. Honor your parents.

Right now your W is going to blame everyone for her bad behavior except for herself. She is not taking any personal responsibility for what she's doing.

Think of it this way. She's a big child right now. And when she doesn't get what she wants, she'll bully you, throw a tantrum and make a big noise until she gets what she wants.

What do you do with a child who acts like that? Do you give them what they want? NO! If you do, they will keep doing what they're doing and walk all over you.

You are the man of the house. Time to start standing up to her when she throws her tantrums. Don't yell or argue. Just look her straight in the eye and tell her that you will not be talked to like that and if she is going to continue the way she is, then she doesn't deserve your respect.

Then walk away. Head up and shoulders back. A strong man knows the right way to handle a strong woman.

[planet]

What exactly did they do to her?

Copied this from my previous posts

1. My pregnant W insisted that i asked my mom if she would care for my eldest daughter after she was born while we worked but my mom just shot 'have you delivered yet?'.

2. My mom did not prepare nourishing soups for W throughout her pregnancy which we asians believe it was good for both mother and child. W felt my mom did not care.

3. There are several incidences involving my mom or her lack of thoughtfulness that really bothers my wife. She felt so unloved by her MIL. It bothers me to find that her mom never really did anything for her when she's pregnant but takes issue with my mom for not being involved.

4.My sis was different. She resented my sis for doing something taboo over our wedding period which we had cautioned everybody earlier. She nonchalantly mentioned she's done something after our wedding. My sis strongly denied it when we confronted her years later. My wife never believed her. We don't have any proof other than what she said.

5. When W bought a new bigger car, it was her proud moment as she felt she had made it in her career. My mom asked why would W would want to show off. I stupidly relayed it back to W. W was upset but kept it herself then.

6. My sis didn't want to drive to a faraway place using her own car but instead borrowed a much bigger car from a friend. W found out and thought it was hypocritical of my family due to point5 above.

7. When my sis was preparing for her wedding, she's worried that her husband's family would disturb her 'matrimonial room'. Mom relayed this back to W and I. W was upset because it was hypocritical due to point4.

8. My sis and mom were always rude to my dad. I guess it was his uninvolved relationship with us throughout our lives that made all of us lost respect. I did tell them off. This made W resent them even more.

9. When my mom bought something for us during W's pregnancy, I returned the money which is a small amount and my mom accepted. W was upset my mom accepted.

10. Mom thought W scolded MIL over the phone. I asked W about it and she insisted that she made no phone calls to her mom and it was somebody else and she wasn't angry.

11. W delivered and was complaining about her pain. Mom asked if it really 'that painful'. It was insensitive as mom had forgotten her own delivery pain and should be empathetic. Years later when mom had her surgery and was complaining of her pain. W thought it was hypocritical.

12. Mom was tasked to bring specially prepared meal to W after her delivery. Mom was late because she wanted to wait for my brother before they come over. The meal was already cold when they reached. W took a few bites and was really disappointed.

I did not stand up for her when she needed me to be. Those i think really upsets W because she brings them up over and over.

[PatientMan]

We have a verbal agreement that my kids will not be visiting my family any time soon. My family strongly encourages me to accept this arrangement.

Why? (to both statements)

-PM

PatientMan
Took quite awhile for your post to show up.
W hated my mom and sis for what they have inadvertently said or done. My earliest post in another thread of mine best describes what happened but that's just some of her grievance against my family. It's basically her complaint over the course of 4 years and its in the same repeated pattern of bursting anger whenever she spoke of it. My inaction and brushing it off made it worse. To her, i did not put her feelings first and instead defended my family because i find them trivial.
W developed withdrawal behaviour roughly 2 years ago whenever my parents would want weekly visits. I had to make up one excuse or another to my parents. I hated what i've done and months later, my parent did get the hint. W then told me that she didn't want them to visit.
Whenever we have an argument about something, she will always related her grievance against my family. This frustrates me because it always has nothing to do with anything we are arguing about.
The last big argument we had was when i have had enough. I told her to speak directly to my parents. She asked me to gather my brother and sister and their partners as well. I asked why involve others. She replied that she wanted them to witness my family's ill treatment and hypocrisy. She just spoke her mind. Everything was supposedly forgiven that night but I was pretty angry when we got home. What was forgiven was undone.
To sum it up, i managed the situation poorly.
W didn't my kids to have anything to do with my family. She said she can't accept the way she was treated and therefore they do not deserve my kids. I promised her some time for her to heal.
I have spoken to my parents a couple of weeks ago. They understood the situation and were willing to not visit at all to appease her. They said not to force things. I told them i will not agree to that and will determine a period for her to heal. Initially W wanted 3 years but i have put it at 1 year.
W's decision was not made after the bomb but years before.

Your W's problem with your parents has nothing to do with your children seeing their family. She's using her personal problems to deny family seeing family. That's wrong. (It's also petty and immature.)

She needs time to heal? What does her healing have to do with denying your family from seeing your children? How is that "healing"?

My advice is to stop capitulating to her emotional and manipulative outbreaks, and to stand up for yourself and for your kids. I certainly don't know your situation in full, but following your thread along, it certainly seems like you let her walk all over you and your biggest fear is not to rock her boat. At this point in time she is done with you. Accept that and start doing what is best for you and your kids.

Step back from your situation and take a real hard look at what is right, what is wrong, and then take action to address what is wrong.

What's she going to do? Divorce you? That's already happening!

-PM

[MrBond]

Reading through all those things. I have one thing to say. You and your W have to get over it.

How your family chooses to act is their responsibility. A majority of points were what you and your W 'perceived' as insulting. Like the soup thing. I get it. I really do. But you know what? Who cares? If your mother doesn't want to make something for your W, then it's her choice.

Instead, your W decided to take these actions personally. AND what's worse is that you're trying to be the in between person. I understand all of that stuff you said about the Asian cultures, etc. But the bottom line is that you're not going to make everyone happy.

Decide on the type of man you want to be and go from there. Treat your family and your W under the guidelines that YOU believe in and not others.

[planet]

You and your W have to get over it.

All I ever did was to blame W for taking things personally. I should have comforted her. I get it. I don't blame W anymore. I really do see things from her perspective now. It really does hurt.
Is W going to get over this? Is time going to heal? It's really not up to me to say. I really want her to no matter the ending is going to be.
I want both families to be comfortable with each other so that my kids will grow up in a healthy environment. I don't want any animosity between W and I. For the kids. For myself and W.

[MrBond]

But you have to understand that even though your W was hurt at those times, you don't always have to stick up with her when she's wrong.

The way she's acting out like a child is wrong.

[planet]

I have been taking my kids out pretty often lately. Apparently this annoyed W. This morning she launched her tirade. I looked into her eyes and told her that I will not have any conversation if she behave this way and left.
I took my kids out and when we got home hours later, lunch was prepared. This time, I was invited.

[PatientMan]

I have been taking my kids out pretty often lately. Apparently this annoyed W. This morning she launched her tirade. I looked into her eyes and told her that I will not have any conversation if she behave this way and left.
I took my kids out and when we got home hours later, lunch was prepared. This time, I was invited.

Well done. Keep it up.

-PM

[newman7977]

That's a good start planet. You change you and the dynamics change. Keep it consistent. Remember she will not always react the same way but that shouldn't affect you.

Newman

[planet]

Well, I wouldn't say that was the direct result of being firm with W but it was a nice gesture from W after a long time.

After a week of her family finding out, W and OM blocking me from FB, its pretty much a roller-coaster emotionally.