Emotional Connection and Attraction

[Accuray]

BC39, there is not problem with your intellect. Your writing is fine. Like any situation, we're looking at yours through a keyhole, we only see what you disclose to us based on what YOU think matters. You may be missing things that others would take as very positive signs. I find it very helpful when people transcribe conversations because you get a bit more of an unfiltered view.

In answer to your questions above, I would NOT do any temperature checking at this point, nor would I do R talks.

90%+ of communication is non-verbal, so you already know what she's feeling, she's letting you know quite clearly. By pushing her to articulate it and examine her feelings more closely, you solidify them and further polarize your positions.

If she was ready to work on the R, you'd know it. She would have read the book you gave her, she would have done the revised LL's survey. She didn't do either -- she's communicating with you.

Look, she's not moving out. She's still there. She gave you sex when you asked for it. She's hanging in there. She may get to the point where she wants to re-engage to your satisfaction, she may re-engage but not to the extent you need, and she may never re-engage.

Based on the trauma you've gone through, this is as much or more about you right now than it is about her.

If you had never had a relationship problem, how she's treating you right now probably wouldn't bother you. It bothers you because of what you've gone through, and because you desperately want to feel safe, reassured, and attractive right now to help you recover from what you've gone through.

You're in a state of "elevated needs" and your W is in a state of "diminished capacity", and those two together cause tension.

The harder you try to pull her toward you, the more inclined she'll be to push away.

If you take your eye off the ball, and at least *appear* to reduce your needs, you give her space to lean in -- or not.

In the long term view, things WILL get better, either because you get comfortable with things as they are, or because they improve. Either way it will get easier.

If it gets *good enough* for you is the million dollar question. If it doesn't, you have to leave. The act of your leaving *may* motivate her to want to do the work, and it may not and she may never come back. What you can rely upon is that you will be okay either way. You need to understand that and get comfortable with it, and that's where you get your mojo back. You don't *need* her, you *want* her. That's an important distinction. We can live without the things we want, we can't live without the things we need.

The more space you can give RIGHT NOW, the better off you will be longer term.

I continue to think that taking a break is your best course *if* you can pull it off. Your emotions may not let you.

I almost always agree 100% with MrBond, but in this case I would not push for an M retreat, nor would I ask her to read books or anything else. I would enjoy having her as a friend, roommate, and co-parent for now, and see what develops down the road.

Get yourself some IC, work out your feelings there and spare your wife.

Often we think that everything we say or do in this situation has incredible weight. That if we say the wrong thing we've BLOWN IT, or that if we do something right we should be REWARDED. If the weighting of your current doings is an 8, try dialing it down to a 6.