To elaborate on the fights involving his parents, his mother hates me. She has come to our apartment and tried to kick me out, she has told me to my face I make her son unhappy, she didn't even want me at her house after we got married. She places pictures of my H and his ex-girlfriend around her house with none of me. She speaks only Russian in front of me yet says my name constantly even though she can speak perfectly comprehensible English. She doesn't like me because she says she knows I will pass on my bipolar disorder to her grandchildren and ruin them. We've spoke to a doctor prior to marriage who told us the odds are very low occurrence. I usually argue with H telling him he needs to stand up for me more. But, I realize I also need to stand up for myself more. I do know this is putting him in the middle. I just can't believe someone could be so nasty to me for something I have no control over. That's what I meant by forgiveness, sorry I know I sometimes go all over the place. I think I hold a lot of resentment towards his mother because of how she treats me, and I sometimes hate that he doesn't stand up for me. I guess I need to forgive how she is, and not dwell over why she treats me that way.
About the moving out of state thing, I'm not settled in it so much to give up my marriage, yet. It's more than just money. I say yet because I do want to continue on to get my PhD and there are some schools that are better versed in my field than others. UCLA is here which is a great school, but again that would require us to remain in Los Angeles costing more money. (Basically I would have to get a full time job to afford it out here and couldn't go to the PhD program) I have had a dream to get my PhD for years, and I haven't decided if it's more important than my marriage. If we could find a great school in California in a lower income area that would be great, but I'm having trouble finding that. PhD programs can take 5-7 years so it's a place that would require a huge mount of investment. This has got to be one of my top three dreams, and I'm not sure I'm willing to give it up. He just wants to stay out here so we can stay close with his parents. My parents are out here too, but I know they would want me to pursue my dreams rather than stay for them. I really have to think about this one, because it's a huge thing to give up. To clarify, they do give you stipends in the PhD programs, but the stipends are enough to live off only in some states, and others not so much. I could take out a loan and stay here but going into further debt is not really something I want to do.
You are spot on about us being two strong personalities. We are both stubborn as can be. I think that's one of the reasons we bud heads so much. We went to MC when our marriage was better about two times, but he no longer wanted to go. We both fail in the compromise department, and I've identified this problem long ago. I realize sometimes I fail to see easy solutions because I have no idea how to compromise, nor does he. Both our parents were poor models in that department. I wanted to continue going to MC so that I could get better at communication with him, but he simply wasn't interested. Maybe I should have continued with the MC alone? I'm still in IC, but her specialty isn't marriage therapy. I wonder if it would be beneficial to find someone who specializes in MC and try them...I just don't know. Also, there were times I would try to spend time with him, but I would fail to be consistent with it. Now he doesn't want to spend time with me so there's no changing that right now.
Sorry for all the word vomit. I don't know how to be concise sometimes. English was never my best subject.
