We signed the mediated separation agreement today, essentially putting the nail in the coffin's lid. In the process I learned a lesson that I'd like to share. I asked for a written apology in which she would take responsibility for what she did. I don't know why I asked for that - just a gut feeling it was something I wanted. Well, if nothing else the letter I received today was enlightening with regards to her state of mind:
"I don't think there is anything I can say that will change how you feel about me. I am sorry for how our marriage ended and I am greatly saddened by the fact that after so many years together, we are now strangers. The depth of this pain is so unfathomable for me, and I know you are hurt and suffering. It was never my intention to hurt you, and I am truly sorry that things happened the way they did. I do not proclaim to be perfect and I have certainly made my share of mistakes. Like everyone else in this world, I am doing the best I can, trying to clumsily navigate through life.
I feel sorrow, guilt and sadness. I am sorrowful that your grandparents are now not part of my life. I miss them very much.
I hope someday we both find ourselves healed."
I was really struck by the almost pathological inability to accept any responsibility for her actions. Everything is seen as something that just "happened" as opposed to something that she was the author of. She exhibits only remorse for the consequences - like a child who is sorry to have been caught, not for having done the misdeed. It always comes back to how the consequences maker HER feel and not how they impacted those around her. She clearly has remorse of some sort but can't seem to tie that remorse to her actions. Even when she admits to causing me emotional trauma, she turns around and excuses it because it was "unintentional" (despite her full knowledge of the emotional consequences of her infidelity and abandonment). And then to trivialize what she did by saying, in essence, "eh, nobody's perfect" was almost too much to take.
It would almost be bizarre enough to be interesting to observe if it was someone else that I was reading about. But seeing my wife become someone else is truly one of the saddest things I have ever witnessed. God help her if one day the fog lifts and she really sees what she has done. ____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24/12, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25/12 EA/PA ongoing, MC 9/30/12-present D mediation in progress
