I have really been wanting to see an improvement in my relationship with my daughter's dad. I just today realized that I cannot control the relationship.I might have known that on an intellectual level, but I didn't really "GET IT." I always knew I could not control him, but I have always tried to make things "better" and I have been frustrated and confused and surprised to see things not go as I expected. I guess my "trying to fix the relationship" is just an indirect way of me trying to control HIM. I know some things I need to do. 1. Stop trying to "fix the relationship" The one who cares the least is the one who has the power and I know I am ALWAYS going to care more about the relationship than he is, so I need to hand over the reins. I don't WANT to be the one who cares least. 2. Make positive changes in myself and my attitude. 3. Bite my tongue when I feel annoyed or disappointed. 4. Make every interaction a happy and pleasant and positive one that will help him have positive feelings that he associates with being around me. 5. When he acts weird for no reason, I should let it go. He is entitled to his bad days and being cranky sometimes. I should not take it personally or have a chip on my shoulder. If he has a chip on his shoulder, I should just avoid him (which is very easy to do since I have gone 3 weeks without being around him or speaking to him) till the mood passes, and it will pass, and more quickly if I don't make a big deal about it.6. Admire and respect and appreciate all the wonderful things about him as a person and as a father. 7. Learn the difference between encouraging and pressuring and avoid pressuring. 8. Continue in prayer and don't get in God's way. 9. Open my heart to him and not harbor bitterness from things he has done in the past. 10. Wait patiently.
2 years ago things were really good in our co-parenting relationship (the only problem was that I wanted a boyfriend and he didn't want that kind of a relationship with me, and he didn't want me involved with another man, either). I don't think it is ALL my fault that things are so bad now, but I know I have not always acted or reacted in a loving and respectful way. I really miss us doing things together as a family and I hope we can start doing some things together again. I would love to have the rapport we had those first 7 1/2 months before he dumped me, but even then he would act weird a lot of the time and it upset me. That is just how he is and I need to accept it and expect it and don't insist that he stop being that way or try to shame him into acting differently. In the past 5 1/2 years there have been very few times when he really did something bad to me, and even then, I don't think he meant to hurt me. Many, many times I made a big deal out of something and probably damaged the relationship because I didn't want to just let something go. I knew I was right and he was wrong and I wanted him to know it and admit it, too. I know he has feelings for me, and I have feelings for him, but they have been buried by a lot of hurt and resentment. I have to say I love him, but I haven't liked him a lot of the time, and there have been plenty of times I felt like I hated him, but I know it was just anger or frustration. I have been praying for peace, but I think that is really within my control. It is one of the fruits of the spirit. I need to have a peaceful attitude. I had a chance last night and also today to get my hackles up and I exercised my self-control and didn't make an issue out of it. I will take a stand when I need to, but I need to let most things go.
I have always hated to be around people who are always looking for something to get mad about. I sure don't want to be one of those people myself, but I think I have been.
I will be so happy if we can enjoy our daughter's birthday party together in October. But that will also be a test for me. If I ask him to join us, and he says, "No, thanks." I need to let it go. He won't know what to do with himself when I am talking to him almost daily, yet not trying to tell him what he should or shouldn't do and asking him why he isn't acting the way I think he should. Maybe that is why when I just withdrew totally, it made things worse instead of better. We need to interact in a positive way. Avoiding interaction all together was inconvenient and unhelpful. Sometimes you deal with problems best by working through them and not going around them. Reminds me of "Going on a Bear Hunt" and when you come to the tall grass or the mountain or the river, you "Can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, you have to go THROUGH it" and when you get through a problem together, it is good practice and experience and it gives you confidence that the next challenge is one that will overcome, too.
