Usually our fights involve his parents treating me bad, me wanting to move out of the state, me not liking big crowds, or me not spending enough time with him. To overcome them, that's one reason I really am working on forgiveness. I need to forgive his parents. As for moving out the state, I still stand firm in that believe. It's expensive in Los Angeles, and nearly impossible to get a decently priced home the size I want. We can move outside of Los Angeles (and stay in California), but sometimes H is being unrealistic on how expensive it can be. We are continually in debt because he spends his money like we have it to waste. He bought a brand new sports car with all the perks even though we were already 20k in debt. I can't control that aspect. As for crowds, I have always had great anxieties in dealing with crowds I think being somewhat related to my bipolar disorder. I have slowly in baby steps overcome some of those fears with therapy, but H wants it to be solved overnight. I continually work on it, because I know I don't want crowds stopping me from going somewhere. I forgot to mention I gained a huge amount of weight after taking my new medicine (70 pounds), and I have low self esteem because of it. I am currently down 40 pounds so I've been doing good on my progress to lose some weight. The progress started at the beginning of the year before the BD, so I was working on that regardless of the situation. Everything is slow, but I think worth it.
Today, I am having an extremely tough day. I am tired, and my H is just hitting me with painful words. I will be back in California in about 2 weeks, and I think it's resurfacing some raw emotions. My H said he wants to separate still, doesn't see me in his life, but he's not sure if he wants the divorce yet. He is firm that this has been the best month of his life since we've been married, and he loves it. (Super stab in the heart, although my mood stabilizers prevent me from crying). I know one of the rules say only believe half of what the spouse says, but god it is so hard sometimes. I keep wondering what if he does really feel that way? It's hard to ignore sometimes. I calmly told him I will help him pack if he wants to move, and he stated that he wasn't going to move, but that I would be moving. He said if I didn't he would stop payments on the apartment (which I can't afford) and screw me over. It was hard for me not to react harshly, but I remained calm. I was planning on getting a job regardless, so that I could have my own income. So that is on the top of my list when I get home. (I was going to do it anyway as soon as I got my B.S. degree). So do I take his threats as truth? Should I move out assuming he will stop payments?
I asked him to give me some time to think about things. He said he was planning on asking a friend if he could stay with them until I move out. (Right next to an ex-gf's neighborhood oddly enough) Am I paranoid about him going back to her? Slightly, but I'm not going to stalk him. I got rid of FB while I was in school so it wouldn't distract me from my studies, so it's not a temptation.
So now, I'm going to slightly worry about my living situation, pick up my pride, and focus on my goals. I'm going to get a job, save up for a house, as I'm sick of living in a cramped apartment. And, in two years regardless of what happens, after I finish my Masters, I'm going to use that money to move somewhere that is better for my income flow. Where? I don't know, only the future can tell. But thinking I have something to look forward to with or without my H is slightly fulfilling. I let my weight goals lag for a bit, so I'm going to push forward on them with a little less leeway. I want to lose another 30 by the end of the year. I don't think that's to insane of a goal. We'll see.
