I have no idea what I'm doing

[RealityTrip]

IC session was good. I am good. Therapist talked about my W and how "sick" she is in her opinion right now and her concern. We talked about boundries with W. How and if I was able to support her as a friend and not a wife. W seems very alone. She's not opening up to family out of shame and completely obliterated her friendships. So I am processing that part of me that wants to help her, and this is how I put it to my T:

"As a friend, I want to gently show her the road to the light and allow her to choose to walk a path to healthy or not." My therapist asked what road I would take? Was I going to try to walk it with her?.. "No. I'm going to get back in my hot air balloon and sail. This is not my work it's hers."

So... My therapist has me at a crossroads to contemplate. About whether or not I want to support my W in her recovery as a friend. Am I capable? Could I be here for her for "touches" but not enable her any longer?

Tough stuff. W called a little while later. (she said she would call me again today). I couldn't answer but texted I'd get back to her. I did an hour or so later.

She was still in bed at 1:30pm. She had no idea what to do, where to go, how to get there. She and AP talked last night. AP stayed in a hotel. AP wants her to go to counseling. (I called that one! ) AP found a therapist that will meet with each of them tonight 30 minutes alone first and then an hour together. W feels guilty because she never tried counseling in her M. AP told her if she didn't change her flight booked for Monday to the airport upstate that it was over. W says she's not changing the flight. Now my typing is taking on the rambling of my W's thoughts.

I just listened. The counseling thing enraged me but I remained silent. She kept talking. She was so glad she can be more honest with me. She doesn't deserve me.

W: What do you think? What should I do?

M: Stepping out of any other role in your life other than your friend, my advice would be to focus on you. Put your marriage in a box and shelf it. Put your affair in a box and shelf it. You need a happy, healthy, stronger you. That person is the only person that can clean all this up. Spend some time focused on making yourself happy and healthy. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Think about what that person looks like and what you could do to get there.

A little more of that back and forth. Some plain old good DB and IC advice relayed to her. She was thankful. She said she didn't have that kind of support anywhere. That AP just wanted her to be happy and hunky dory and doesn't understand she has things to work out. I said, "Of course you do. That must be hard to not feel supported at home."

W: What do you think about this emergency counseling session AP wants?

M: What do you hope to get from it? Do you feel like it will help YOU?

W: I want to go in and be really honest. I want someone else to tell us we don't belong together. I don't want to leave AP. I want her to leave me.

M: Why?

W: So I don't look like the bad guy. I am always the bad guy. I can't take it anymore.

M: I see why you could feel that way. I don't think there are any "bad guys" in this situation. Bad choices. Not bad people.

W: AP said if even 1% of me loves you and wants to come back home that she wants to know and it's over. Of course I do. I don't want to lie anymore. How do I stop lying?

M: I'm sure it's hard. Sometimes we lie thinking we are protecting others but truth always prevails doesn't it?

W: Yes. And then it's even worse when it comes out because I lied. How did I become a liar RT?

M: I don't know W. But it doesn't define you. Could that be something you explore for yourself in some type of IC?

She spent the last 5 minutes singing my praises. Then she told me she loved me. She knows we were not going to talk about "us" but when she says she loves me she wanted me to know it's not just as a friend. That she "really does" love me.

The exchange was good. I meant it all. I really do hope she figures it all out. And I will be here for her if she needs a friend.

Me? I'm ok. I'm headed out this weekend to my friends lake house for some good times and R&R. I'm happy to be on the other side of LimboLand and SO glad I took the detour off the CrazyTown Connector those two are on now.

Interesting questions from therapist? "Do you still see yourself as married?" Not really. I see myself where I am... in the process of a divorce.