We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
S, DIL and GD were to have moved in with me. It was agreed upon they should move into Mom’s house. D has been living there for 12 years and feels as though she should not have roommates.
It is not her house and she has not managed her funds well. At this point she is a poor college student. She is not able to afford the anticipated utilities.
Immaturity abounds as DIL feels she should not have to support D and wants D to pay half of the utilities. S, DIL and GD will live with D in a large home for the cost of utilities and groceries. Of course they have to clean and maintain it. I will assume responsibility for repairs and property taxes. I view this as a good deal for all parties. They’re sniping at each other, go figure.
A couple of days ago D was angrily venting and I stumbled. I began to use personal accusatory phrases such as “You need to…” As I was saying these I realized what I was doing, stopped and about an hour later apologized. Yesterday D was venting again, I described her tone and words as appearing victim like and reminded her I could not solve her issue. Better.
She is not happy. This is not my issue. This is an opportunity for growth. I will not dance upon the triangle.
Yesterday, DIL asked X to babysit. Afterwards she was critical of the manner X babysat. I said nothing.
This weekend I moved the content of my father’s office. The man was a meticulous record keeper. Records going back to the mid 50s will occupy my time and shredder. Of more immediate concern is Mom’s lack of organized record keeping and getting the utilities squared away. The kids are almost moved in and I have reminded D her brother will have orders elsewhere in less than two years.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Yesterday was the first evening in recent memory I did not visit my parents home, either to clean up or to keep Mom Company. She liked visits and conversation. (Quality Time).
Before she passed she wanted to watch the two children next door and GD pick out a pumpkin. We spoke about turning some ground over and planting a small garden to accomplish this. After discussing it she decided it would be too much work for me and she would feel bad not being able to help.
I’ve rototilled a patch of ground west of that house and put in a few squash, peppers and two pumpkin hills. Yesterday I watered it and checked for insects. A couple of the squash plants are setting fruit and the pumpkins are running, the peppers seem spindly and I’m a little worried about the stalks if they begin to set fruit. I might have to stake them.
DIL was all about the garden when it was a fantasy. Now she states “I don’t do dirt”. I just smile. I didn’t put it in for her. I’d like to help GD pick out a pumpkin also.
Mom was all about the visit. She’d put up with maintenance or cleaning for a while. Eventually she’d insist on the visit. Helpful in what I am doing now was the times we spent going over business aspects of the estate. We were not actively farming, but we were leasing and maintaining.
Hopefully in a few weeks I will be able to put more time into working on my life. My plan calls for completing one more item on the bucket list before the snow flies. There is no shortage of distractions and other things that need doing. It is a matter of priorities.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
D came by to do laundry. While she was there she told me DIL had finally come to the conclusion she could not do it all herself and asked for help. X and SIL2 were helping DIL clean the apartment they had been living at. From her tone and body language I took these statements as passive aggressive sniping. Not wanting to get drawn into the lets bash DIL fest I thought about my reply and kept it neutral. D then launched into the last argument she had with DIL.
It seems DIL wishes to host a family holiday while living at the house inviting X and her entourage. I gather it was a bit of a row. D and X are not cordial. D wants to have a haven. Her world has been upset and she is carrying a bit of anxiety.
I do not trust X. To be honest I have not been able to achieve a level of forgiveness that would allow me to have any comfort about her being inside this house.
The vehemence of my emotive response surprised me.
D and DIL are still sniping at each other. It is possible DIL brought up the holiday idea to push a few buttons. Thinking it through there is a possibility D was pushing buttons to enlist me. There is the possibility she just needed to vent. There is the possibility she feels lost and adrift and is looking for comfort and grounding.
I spoke with her about it later in the evening. I think the last thought is likely. The footing here is not firm. So best to proceed slowly, cautiously. I want to provide a safe place without enabling an escalation.
I need to work on detaching more here. It was the “She wants to invite X” comment that set me off.
I went to the house and moved some items from the basement, afterward I spent a few minutes speaking with DIL. Our conversation centered upon what I was moving and what items remained. She vented about feeling overwhelmed and I just let her.
Detached here? Check. In retrospect validation would have been better.
IMO she is causing her own feelings. She is trying to complete the move by tomorrow night. She has arranged to spend the rest of the month 200 mi away visiting her father.
Many days will pass between now and the Christmas holidays. Many things can occur in that time. I reminded myself and D when I spoke with her last night. It is best not to get wrapped up in these emotions thinking about what might happen. She agreed and said she thinks DIL and her are working through the anger phase of grieving. She thinks they see each other as safer to express anger to than me or S and that is why they have been going at it every other day or so.
I told her DIL may be attempting to establish boundaries without stating them. When DIL and S lived with me last year she would push much like a teenager does. We eventually found a place we could grow from.
Tonight? Tomorrow night? This weekend? Eh, who know. Just take it as it comes. Focus on what is good for me.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
DIL is in MI visiting; S is working and trying to finish moving. He thinks the break is good for all as DIL was getting overwhelmed. D is finishing her second ASL class trying to bring up her GPA, working, trying to clean and help her brother finish moving. They will share a kitchen and that seems to be the focus right now.
S told me he thinks this will work as he thinks DIL is beginning to realize some less visible benefits such as another adult present more often to speak with. I like his attitude and hope he is correct. D seems a bit more at ease. Time will tell after DIL returns.
I have begun the fudicrary process for the estate. I wish the L was more helpful. He gave me a checklist to complete and has taken a couple of calls when I asked for advice. This like most things is similar to peeling an onion. I’ve got a handle on it. I just wish I didn’t have to do it.
I’m back to GAL. I think I GAL different than most. I’ve returned to a couple of projects begun this spring that are in danger of becoming overdue. The most physically demanding is getting the shed built. I’m just about done clearing the area and can start on setting a base.
The plan calls for me to build it from a kit. I could set the base and have one delivered already built or contract to have one built on site, but it is the labor that is my GAL. I like the feeling of accomplishment when it is done. One of the hold ups has been an old Elm tree that died last year. Felling it proved more effort than anticipated.
At the beginning of Mom’s last week DIL visited with GD. Mom’s pain was managed well that day and they had a really pleasant visit. Mom was very happy. During the visit DIL spied a millipede crossing the floor near her feet. She freaked out as this two inch creature passed nearby causing quite a stir until it was dispatched.
On Mom’s last day while she was laying on the floor waiting for the ambulance she spied another one matching the first crawling across the ceiling. From this position she stated we should call DIL to come over and dispatch it. DIL is maybe five foot four inches tall.
At the ER during intake Mom informed the staff her major issue was she was sixteen, pregnant with twins and not knowing who the father was placing her in a bind. This was Mom’s sense of humor.
Mostly I'm good.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
JustStunned, I love the way you write, it feels as if I were in the rooms with you. I am sorry for your loss and am happy to hear how you are dealing with all the emotions involved.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
There were two items left linking X and myself legally. The first was a mutual fund. It was listed in the divorce paperwork and I had provided X with her half as part of our settlement.
The mutual fund company was not willing to change ownership based on the documentation submitted. X was not willing to sign their documentation. She wanted half of the remaining balance.
I stewed in it for a bit, then, acquiesced. It is a small amount, and not worth the fight. The account was barely above the minimum needed to maintain it and all of that came from recent gains. In retrospect I should have simply closed it when I gave her half the first time. I am beyond caring if she counts coup on this.
The mutual fund company has lost a long time customer as I am shifting to a using a performance fee based fund manager through work.
The second item is the RV. We chose it to fit our desires. It was jointly titled. We are no more. It was a reminder and not one I could easily divest myself of. We were upside down at the time of the D. I retained it and used the liability to negate another asset. I have been attempting to become right side up with it.
I reached break even a couple of months ago and have used it as a trade in on something better suited to my lifestyle and the direction I desire to go. The replacement will be a budget strain for a bit, however I am excited about it and the possibilities it offers to me. The best part is there are no memories tied to the new unit, only future opportunities.
The drama between the children seems to be easing. There is work still getting them moved in and settling the estate seems drowned in a quagmire. Those are small frustrations that will either become worked out or not.
The house is next door, 200 feet distant, the yards are separated by trees and scrub bushes. It is easy for me to visit and I have not. This is difficult sometimes. I don’t view this as martyring myself; rather I believe we will all be healthier if I maintain some separation while they settle in.
I have been asked to sit with GD on Friday evening while the kids go out.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I reached break even a couple of months ago and have used it as a trade in on something better suited to my lifestyle and the direction I desire to go. The replacement will be a budget strain for a bit, however I am excited about it and the possibilities it offers to me. The best part is there are no memories tied to the new unit, only future opportunities.
Meaning - Yosemite trip next summer???
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I haven’t made specific plans yet. I was surprised how close Yosemite is to MWTC. One of the routes even passes through Bridgeport. I remember fondly training on the mountains in the snow, but I have no real desire to visit the training center, Yosemite Valley on the other hand…
The last trip west was with X. We went as far as the Grand Canyon and Bryce before turning east. I used to be quite destination driven, now not so much. I’ve had several friends do a “walkabout” and I am seriously considering it. Taking the time from work is the challenge. I am planting seeds with my boss about taking at least two consecutive weeks next summer.
Babysitting GD went very well last Friday. She had a cold hanging on a bit, but she was in a good mood. We played outside a bit, inside a bit, went for a walk with the dogs and generally were active enough that she went to sleep easy. We had a bit of quiet time while I rocked her prior to putting her to bed. The kids had a good time and were happy when they got home.
Saturday I picked up the new rig. It is new to me and after going over it more closely I don’t think the previous owners utilized their purchase much. The more I go over it the more I want to camp it soon. It is five feet longer than the previous unit. I need practice backing this unit and to get the level indicators set.
Yesterday DIL, GD and D visited me briefly. DIL has a foundling cat in desperate need of a vet visit and wanted to know if I my relationship with the vet would score her a serious discount. I doubt my vet will do charity work based upon the business relationship I have with her. DIL vented frustration offering me an opportunity to validate.
The upshot of the whole visit is I have a standing invitation to stop by and visit whenever. DIL asked why I have not visited more and I tried to explain I thought it healthier to give them space while they moved in. DIL seemed to discount this. I am just glad I have an invitation.
Have you ever heard guests and fish have something in common, after three days both begin to smell?
I will be careful so as not to make my visits onerous or odorous.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I’ve been off participating in a continuous improvement meeting at work. This qualifies as one of those “Be careful what you ask for” things as they are mentally exhausting. It was not my first and I did not ask to participate. This does not matter, one rolls up their sleeves and participates, participates, participates.
It would have been better for me to have this meeting last week. Aug 7th was our anniversary and the day did not pass without notice. I don’t know why this year was more difficult than last. It just was. I could have used the distraction.
Last week DIL asked if X could come to the house. This was a continuation off her discussion/argument with D about the same subject. It shifted from family holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) to GD birthday and babysitting hand offs. It does seem draconian to argue against X picking up GD for babysitting and inconvenient for DIL to travel to X’s house. I could see her point and relented I will consider the birthday party some more. I expect to relent on that also. I need to become comfortable with it first. It isn’t right to hinder or prevent GD from interactions with her Grandmother. DIL offered to rent a hall or use a community center for the birthday party. From my POV this seemed to be a lot to ask of her just because I am having an issue with X.
X in that house will take some meditation.
I meet X tomorrow morning to cash the check from the mutual fund company. How that interaction goes will influence my decision. The last time she was deeply in replay and so unnaturally happy she seemed high. Perhaps she will perceive reality differently this time. IDK. Tomorrow isn’t here yet.
I’m not worried about it. It will be what it will.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
